Feminine Sexuality,  Love & Relationships,  Nonmonogamy & Polyamory

To Love Love is Unheard of

Compersion has rarely been an easy feeling to explain. By that I mean when I explain to people what compersion feels like, I’ve never had anyone say, “Oh yeah, I know exactly what you mean.”

Story time

Imagine a child who comes to sit in front of a grandparent, criss-cross applesauce, elbows propped on their thighs, and fist tucked snuggly underneath their chin eager to hear a story that they’ve heard a hundred times. That’s me listening to my lover tell me about their love and their love-making sessions with another lover and all of those beautiful acts of love.

That’s unheard of… That makes absolutely no sense at all to most people I know and those I meet. Imagine having people attempt to try to figure you out by placing you into their box. Imagine you constantly have to remind them you don’t process that way; that yes, you are aware of that way of thinking and feeling, but that is not the way you think and feel. Therefore, you cannot answer the question the way they want you to answer it without that being just a conditioned response and not really how you really feel.

Does that make any sense?

You are so different.

The first time that I ever noticed feeling compersion, I was in the high school. A guy, whom I had a sexual relationship with that I very much had a connection with had a connection with someone else. He had been reluctant to tell me about that connection because he was concerned that it might interfere with our connection. And of course, due to our conditioning, rightfully so.

I was glad he decided to tell me the truth anyway. When he shared the story about how they had been separated unexpectedly and were finding one another again for the first time in almost a year, it made my heart skip a beat.

It was like that feeling you get when you watch The Notebook or some other romantic movie you love 😍…This Rush of passion.

I ended up driving him to meet her at her school’s Spring Dance. I watched them embrace outside of the gymnasium doors where the dance was being held, then walk in hand in hand. It felt beautiful to see him, someone I cared about so much, experiencing love with someone else.

I love telling that story and when I do people think it’s weird. They question my motives, my intent, my means to an end 😆. Indeed, I have a beautiful mind especially when people aren’t trying to pick it apart.

You are so different.

It’s something I hear often when it comes to my feelings of compersion. Some people I date find it helpful and others not so much.

Just an anomaly

I was 28 years old before I knew compersion even had a name; before I knew it was a thing that was called something; before that I thought I was just an anomaly.

I was sitting in a hotel room across from a person who would become my friend. I was in post marriage confession mode. Speaking my greatest joys and passion into the Universe to people who were once strangers.

This particular evening I was confessing these feelings of feeling joy of my lover being with other lovers almost in a whisper…those whispers that come out very forcefully when you’re passionate about what you’re saying, but you don’t want to say it too loud.

The next thing he said absolutely blew my mind. In his Irish accent he said, “What you’re talking about is called compersion.”

“Come-what,” I responded.

Compersion. C-o-m-p-e-r-s-i-o-n.

The feels that I have been feeling had a name…has a name.

Is compersion a really awesome and great thing? Fuck yeah.

The world around me doesn’t always treat it as such. Many times I’ve had to walk away from a person I adore because they refuse to accept me in my compersion. I understand what you think, I understand what you feel, but that does not change who I AM.

I cannot love you the way that I desire to or even the way you desire me to if I cannot be who I am comfortably and completely.

Compersion is a magical feeling and to know that I get to experience a feeling so rare; a feeling so few relate to is such a magnificent journey.

To my loves… May I always love the love you love.

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic

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