Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic-a sex blog about feminine sexuality, relationships, and spirituality

To Be a Sex Positive Parent

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic-a sex blog about feminine sexuality, relationships, and spirituality

I strive to raise sex positive children and as much as I strive for this, the reality is I don’t really know how. Contrary to what this blog may project…I am not a sex expert. The idea of being sex positive in general is relatively new to me so the concept of sex positive parenting is completely uncharted territory. However, it is not outside my experience and there are some resources like this piece by sex therapist Kristin Hambridge, Sex + Parenting. And this one, This Is What Sex-Positive Parenting Really Looks Like, that I can’t stop rereading.

My children are young, nine and four, as I write these words. Discussing anatomical names and physiological locations for body parts is easy, but what about everything else.

When I’ve asked people, mainly women, they tell me that sex education was largely absent in their upbringing. I believed I’ve mentioned before that my parents never talked to me about sex. Fortunately, I liked to read and had a keen curiosity when it came to my body and sex in general.

The first conversation I ever had about sex, I was in middle school with a group of high school aged girls who took it upon themselves to educate me once they noticed all of the attention I was getting from guys that were in high school.

Being a sex positive parent means giving my children the knowledge and experience I wish I would have had if I had it to do again. And taking all of the high energy experiences I appreciated having and gifting that to them as well.

Confounds of Conditioning

I speak very openly about my desire to educate my children without restriction when it comes to sexuality. There are few people who agree with my methods. I can confidently say, this is mainly due to their own conditioning. The same conditioning that teaches us that sex is mostly (or only) for a man’s pleasure. The same conditioning that accepts double standards as the standard. The same conditioning that teaches a woman that it’s ok for a guy to touch her, but it’s gross to touch herself, or that sex is something you do behind closed doors and you certainly do not discuss it openly. Yes, I experienced the same conditioning. Even though I did not subscribe to all of it personally, I was going right along with it.

However, this is not where I am coming from. First, I am actively questioning and revolutionizing every ideal within my awareness about sexuality (because there are things that I am still unaware of). I am deciding which of those ideals resonate with me, which ones are counter productive to who I am, and which of them are my own formed beliefs. So few of them are my own.

One of my friends said to me, “Victoria, for the sake of your children, I hope you are doing this right.” I’m sure they meant well but I didn’t hesitate to let them know that my decision to raise sex positive children is not about being right or wrong. My children are not some social experiment in a “Most Successful” parenting competition.

Life is about giving your children all the things you never had, right? (Maybe…) For me, I did not have the knowledge to make a well-informed decision when it came to my own sexuality or even the decision to engage in the act of sex, which has had some unwarranted effects on relationships that were very important to me.

I was not very sexually empowered and occasionally found myself in situations I had not been prepared to deal with. Of course this happens in life, but it happened significantly more often for sexual encounters. Situations I had not been prepared for and had not been taught to properly navigate.

Desexualizing Nudity

I believe this is the most important component to raising sex positive children.

I walk around my home completely nude. Yes, in front of my children and so do my children. I can’t tell you how many people have gasped at this revelation. My son, who is four years old, occasionally plays with my boobs and crawls underneath my dresses. So did my daughter at that age. I mean, why not, it’s completely non-sexual: boobs are fun to play with and ankle-length dresses are like tents. When I was a child, I used to play with my dad’s boobs (Yes, my dad had boobs!), and I’ll hear you say that that’s different but only because we make it so.

My children love on my nudity all the time and I allow it because not only is it good for them, it’s also good for me. When my daughter runs her hand across my tummy, she doesn’t think how gross and ugly my stretchmarks look. She questions where I got them and when she might receive her own. This helps me recognize my own conditioning towards my postpartum body.

When my son nestles his face into my breast, it is simply his way of comforting himself. He nursed from my breast for the first thirteen months of his life, that memory is not so far away for either of us. Motherhood has helped me see that a body is not just reserved for sex. And of course, I knew that already but it was not a part of my conditioning. Therefore nonsexual bodily interactions that occur between me and my children are indeed normal however generally may be perceived by others as inappropriate.

Sexualizing children is one of my greatest pet peeves but it’s something we’ve been conditioned to do. We do it without a second thought as to the origins of such a thought.

Empowerment to the Children

Even though I found myself in those situations, I was thankful that my mom taught me that it is perfectly acceptable to say no in any situation. Although she did not say so explicitly, in my mind, sex was not different.

Now being in a situation where I didn’t know whether I wanted to say yes or no was a whole other issue and a bit trickier. No one ever taught me how to listen to my inner self to make these sort of decisions. That’s a post in itself though.

When I sit with women and talk about these things, most experiences are relatable however outcomes may differ. I try to figure out where our experiences diverge. It is through these conversations that I’ve learned so many women were not taught to explicitly say no. (And I’m still exploring the why of this: Why aren’t women taught explicitly to say no?)…and of course I’m aware of the whole, “Why is the responsibility placed solely on the woman?” I’m so there although I’ve learned to navigate this thing one question at a time…the overlap will eventually reveal itself.

It’s weird to have been taught to stand up for what you believe in and trust your intuition except when it comes to sex. I was always taught that your hormones will deceive you and your emotions will betray you. BLASPHEMY! I know that now.

I was not taught to acknowledge my body at all in any way. Perhaps if I’d been a dancer or an athlete that may not have been the case, however, that is not my story. I was only ever taught to hide and cover myself: skirts below the knee and shirts up to my collar bone. My physical and psychological pubescent changes were never directly acknowledged outside of my menstrual cycle. These conversations occur regularly now between me and my own daughter.

I want to empower my children to explore their sexuality however they choose. I want to teach them that it is perfectly acceptable to reject experiences that do not resonate within. If a thing does occur, willingly or unwillingly, it is not something you need to feel guilt or shame about.

Fearlessly Open

Whenever I encounter bullies in my life, the first thing I’d do is tell somebody. Put them right on blast so everyone would know. I wish I had been taught to be so fearlessly open when it came to exposing the “bully” of conditioning in my own life. Hell, I didn’t even possess the awareness to be so vigilant. I would like my kids to have a different option. Does this mean they’ll make all the right and great decisions? I’m sure they won’t. But once again, that isn’t the goal.

I want my children to know that it is perfectly acceptable to challenge the status quo. You don’t need to go along to get along. Let’s talk about it. What’s done in the dark must be brought to the light or else people will go on just pretending it doesn’t happen. PERIOD.

I’ve had someone say to me, if you teach your daughter to be as sexually liberated as you are, aren’t you concerned about predators. Nope…they exist regardless of whether she is sex positive, sexually liberated, or totally oblivious. They may still come for her and while I cannot change others behaviors, I can make her aware of her every option and right as a human person.

Encouraging my children to use their words, to write what they cannot say, to draw what they cannot write, and to simply be still if they need to is so important to my endeavors of sex positive parenting. No form, of the way you choose to express yourself, is greater than another.

For me, this is so much deeper than intercourse. It’s about fostering healthy attitudes, and relationships, first with your whole self, in order to choose healthy sexual experiences and boundaries with others. By whole self I mean physical, psychological, spiritual, as well as sexual (which embodies all three).

**SIGH**
I could go on and on because the freedom to explore one’s sexuality, openly and safely in the way that they desire, is so important to me. I desire for my children to find strength and sensuality in sex instead of shame, objectification, and health stigmas.

Yes, I could go on but I won’t. I’ll just stop right here and you can subscribe to keep abreast of my sex positive parenting adventures. After all, this is just theory.


Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic

 

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Join the Women’s Orgasms Matter Campaign

I received this campaign a few months ago as I began to dive into the world wide web of sex blogging. There was so much underneath the forbidden surface of it all; much more than I could ever imagine.

More than anything, I could clearly see the disparities in sex education between educating men and educating women through formal education as well as social interaction which results in huge inconsistencies in sexual experiences among those same groups. Victoria of Euphoric Epiphany explores some of those reasons in her recent post on Why Women’s Orgams Matter.

Let’s start a movement!

Women’s Orgasms Matter is a campaign created for sex positive and body positive sex education advocating for sexual freedom. Our focus is on sex positive sex education through sexual pleasure and sexual freedom.

Our goal is to promote empowerment by giving individuals what they need to make informed sexual decision which contribute to improvement in sexual health, reduction in undesired pregnancy, the confidence of being sexually aware, and simply attaining the sexual experience that you desire and all that may entail.

There are so many reasons why women’s orgasms matter and throughout this campaign, you are welcomed to join in the conversation using the hashtag #WomensOrgasmsMatter. We will be publishing and featuring video and posts by others joining us in this campaign. I am so excited to discover why women’s orgasms matter to all the beautiful people in the world.

Show your support!

You can show your support for the #WOM campaign by donating to our crowdfunding efforts which create and provides sex positive sex education materials as well as forums and workshops for open dialogue on sexuality to both men and women, young and old.

Women's Orgasms Matter go fund me (crowd funding) campaign

Women’s Orgasms Matter is without a doubt a collective community effort and requires the voice of every sex positive advocate to be successful.

You can also show your support by purchasing the #WOM t-shirt on Tee-Spring. I recently wore my own #WOM t-shirt to Houston Pride Parade and it was certainly a hit. So if you’re in the Houston circles and happen across any photos of me please let me know. I appreciate it.

If you would like to donate items or educational materials to this campaign please contact us to let us know. We appreciate all donations and recognize our donors publicly.

Women's Orgasms Matter campaign on prettypinklotusbud.org

Throughout the campaign, we will be having several awesome giveaways that will not be announced. They will be embedded within the posts. So make sure you subscribe so you don’t miss our posts or our giveaways or the opportunity to be a part of this awesome and necessary movement.

I will be promoting some of those giveaways via Instagram ONLY. I invite you to follow me, Pretty Pink Lotus Bud, there as well because I don’t want you to miss out.

Without further ado, let’s kick this campaign off with this lovely Instagram giveaway.

All you have to do is REPOST this photo, TAG me and two friends (in your repost) who might be interested in joining this movement and COMPLETE the statement, Women’s Orgasms Matter because…below the photo. Once you are done leave #WomensOrgasmsMatter (or #WOM) in the comments below our campaign photo for entry into this giveaway. Winner will be drawn at 1k followers. Let’s do this!

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Ball of Light Justin Copeland

Raising a Sexually Empowered Daughter

My daughter recently turned 9 and is grasping the cusp of puberty. I know without a doubt, she is a confident, responsible, independent, and considerate young person. However, every day I question whether I am raising a sexually empowered daughter. Now, this question might have been easier to answer except I live in a society marred by patriarchy. Not to mention the fact that she spends her school breaks with a misogynist, womanizing fool and entire culture of people who subscribe to “a woman’s place” bullshit. But so did I, and look how awesome I turned out. One fierce feminist!

Sexual liberation begins with sexual empowerment. Sexual empowerment, as with any other type of empowerment, begins with you.

What does it mean to be sexually empowered?

For me, to be sexually empowered means owning all aspects of your sexuality, acknowledging the oneness of your mind, body, and spirit in every sexual encounter, and ALWAYS putting your desires and well-being first. Sexual empowerment means never avoiding the conversation. It means openly exploring desires without judgment. It means putting your health and your personal values first. It means embracing all the things that shape your sexuality.

Once when my daughter was an infant, her paternal grandmother was changing her diaper. As soon as the diaper was off, in normal baby fashion, my daughter reached for her vulva. Her grandmother immediately pushed her hand away and told her not to touch because it was stinky. The statement made me recoil with disapproval as I scolded my mother in law never to teach my daughter that her vagina smells bad. My mother in law looked with a blank stare as if to say, “That was not my intention,” and perhaps it wasn’t. Perhaps she only meant to say the urine soaked diaper made it smell, however, I wanted to make her aware of the message she was sending. A message that could serve as a foundation of insecurity and shame, that could affect her sexual confidence as a woman.

Ball of Light Justin Copeland

The Talk

The Talk. . .the dreaded talk for many parents, the “avoided until the last minute” talk, the “I’ll wait until they bring it up” talk, the “we will just assume they already know once they get to that age” talk, the “OMGosh she’s pregnant; it’s too late, now” talk. And if you think this is not the truth, I’ll tell you this, my mother or father have never talked to me about sex. NEVER! Looking back at how much my life has been affected by sexuality and sex education, I’m completely shocked. Like, how can you not have this conversation with your child!? This conversation is as important as the “look both ways before crossing the street” conversation.

Should I talk to my 9-year-old about sex? Is it too early? Is she ready? If not now, when should I tell her? If anything, what should I tell her right now? Certainly, she doesn’t need to know everything right now, right? These are just a few of my more pressing questions. Many of my friends of 9 to 11-year-olds express fear and concern about talking to their sons and daughters about sex. I’m not afraid to talk with my daughter, I just don’t want to inundate her with sex information prematurely but I also don’t want to neglect the subject.

Following HER lead

My daughter has always been an inquisitive child. You can often discover her interest and concerns by the questions she asks. My daughter is an early bloomer. She began showing the first signs of puberty at the age of seven which caused her to have a lot of questions.

There were a lot of “oh my goodness” reactions from friends and family concerning my daughter’s prematurely blossoming body and even a mention of birth control. It has also caused a stir at sleepovers as the girls change into their jammies. However, it has made her completely comfortable with openly asking questions about her developing body. This makes the talk much easier to navigate.

Despite all other influences, sexual empowerment begins with YOU. In this case, my daughter. I teach my daughter that differences, ALL DIFFERENCES, are what makes us magical and unique. I teach her to be honest, responsible, and accountable. I focus on empowering her in all aspects of her life, not just sexuality. Everything about her is beautiful and natural and I instill that in her every single day. I let her know how important it is to instill this message in others as well, even though I don’t always practice it myself. Just the other day, I saw a woman and I said, I love her legs (she had amazing legs) and my daughter whispered to me, “Well, just tell her.” These are the things that let me know that I am teaching her well.

Teaching with Love & Guidance

I do my best to teach with intention and in my moments of imperfection, I forgive myself quickly, move forward and do better. Her dad got upset with me because I taught her to twerk. I know I might get a lot of frowny faces and I won’t defend my stance. Yes, I taught my then 8-year-old to twerk. She asked because she saw me doing it in my mirror and so I taught her. I’m also teaching her Spanish. I also downloaded an app that teaches her to draw, which she’s very good at by the way. I’ve taught her to braid hair, do simple computer setups (because I didn’t want to have to keep doing them for my 4-year-old), and a number of other things that she’s asked me to teach her. The point is, I empower my daughter to seek enlightenment and to educate herself without limits. It does not matter who disapproves as long as it is something she desires.

My entire focus must be centered on my child, her interests, and her desires. I invest heavily in gentle guidance, concentrating more on influencing her perspective rather than her behavior.

Welcome to Womanhood

At this point, my daughter expresses no interest in boys or anything related to intercourse. She is, however, going through pubescent physical development. What she is currently experiencing has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with becoming a woman. Too often, we directly associate womanhood with sex, which in term sends a dangerous message to our girls.

And so, I center our conversation around explaining to my daughter the changes that occur while becoming a woman. I explain to her that her journey into womanhood is the most honorable, most powerful, evolutionary change that will ever happen in her life. Women have a divine purpose. Life begins with a woman, as a woman, and physically within a woman. As a woman, you are born with everything it takes to bring life into this world both physically and most of all spiritually in more ways than pregnancy and birth. Womanhood is a continuous journey.

I make her aware that there will be naysayers. There will be individuals who will doubt you and second guess you long after you have succeeded ten times over because of the negative social constructs designed to control women. I teach her that they won’t just be men.

In time, we will add more to the conversation. We will address those things as she becomes aware of their relevance to her life. In the meantime, her journey into womanhood and what this means for her is the perfect segue to her personal journey of sexual empowerment.

Artist feature

“Ball of Light” by Justin Copeland

A digital artist out of Baltimore. Transforming pain while sending love and peace through his work. Visit Justin online to discover how to add his work to your collection.

IG @justincopeland_art

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Book Review: Come As You Are Pt I

Read Part II of this Review

Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life

By Emily Nagoski, Ph.D

This book is organized into four parts, 9 chapters (plus an introduction and a conclusion), and 335 pages (400 including acknowledgments, appendices, index, and reference). Since the book is pretty thick and contains such a wealth of information, I’ve decided I will review it in its four parts. Here’s an outline of Part 1:

  • Introduction: Yes, You Are Normal
  • Part 1
    • Chapter 1: Anatomy: No Two Alike
    • Chapter 2: The Dual Control Model: Your Sexual Personality
    • Chapter3: Context: And the “One Ring” (to Rule Them All) in Your Emotional Brain

Book Review

Yay! I made it through part one which consists of the first three chapters. I’ll warn you, this book is a lot to take in. Make sure you’re in a distraction-free setting while you’re reading it. You’ll be making a lot of personal references. My mind kept straying so often to how each part applied to my own sexual experience that I couldn’t remain focused. Reading it provides quite the cathartic release.

You know how when you’re actively reading the words on the page, only thing is, your thoughts are elsewhere. Then once you realize this, you bring your focus back to the passage only to realize you didn’t comprehend a thing you read. . . “Just calling words,” as my granny calls it. Only you’re doing it in your head and not out loud. So I had to reread a lot.

Isn’t it amazing how you’re able to do things simultaneously!? Further proof that the mind is separate from the soul is separate from the body yet all have to function in a single form: the metaphysical. No wonder the world is so crazy. Even within our individual selves we function in form yet not in sync the way that we should. What an epiphany!

Anywho, back to this review.

Throughout Part I, the author gives the most awesomest analogies. I love analogies. I am the queen of analogies. They work so well in putting life into simplified perspectives. My ex-boyfriend used to tell me my analogies didn’t apply to everything. Oh but they do, and Dr. Emily Nagoski proves it in “Come As You Are.”

I appreciated Dr. Nagoski’s suspenseful prelude leading into the subsequent chapter and her exquisite introduction to each new chapter. Everyone, one sprinkled throughout with just the right amount of imagery in the short stories to give this visual learner a well-informed illustration of the science behind the sex.

Yes, You are Normal (Intro)  & No Two Alike (Ch 1)

I used to skip reading the introduction. Sometimes I still do but in this case, do not skip the intro. It’s an important component to understanding the book and its organization. Also, it explains how it applies to you (or doesn’t apply to you). So transgender ladies, this may be the book for you but it’s not a guarantee.

Sex positive and body positive blog, Subscribe to PrettyPinkLotusBud.org for a refreshing perspective on sex, relationships, and spirituality. Tearing down social constructs one patriarchal perspective at a time.The first chapter was all about the sexual hardware, brain, and body. It emphasized how we all (anatomically), men and women, have the same parts organized in different ways yet no two are alike. If you’re having any concerns about your physical make-up, you’re likely to find the answer here. My favorite part of this chapter is the garden analogy which explains that our sexuality is cultivated by our family, our culture, and our religion until we are able to cultivate it on our own. I learned that there isn’t a lot of information on the anatomy of women of color. This has me wanting to take pix of my moon flower and donate them to science instead of sexting them to my forever boo.

We spend so much time in school, isn’t there a way to incorporate teaching students about themselves. It would definitely help them navigate their life more easily. I have digressed once more.

The Dual Control Model (Ch 2)

Although we have the same parts organized in different ways, as men and women, we learn and respond to sexual stimuli differently. If you’re curious about why men have a pill and women don’t, this is the chapter for you. Chapter two is in some ways a foundation for chapter three and I suspect three for four and four for five and so on and so forth.

Chapter two explains a little about the study of sexual stimulation, arousal, desire and the introduction of context. It explains how there are stimuli, physical and psychological, that makes us go and those that make us stop. Dr. Nagoski tells us all of these stimuli are learned through that garden metaphor mentioned in the first chapter.

The part about the rats had me thinking, “Nah, I’m much more complicated than this,” but as you progress through the chapter, it will all come together. I haven’t made all of the connections however, I’m also still reading so we shall see.

Context (Ch3)

And here is where your “Ah-ha” moment will occur. I’m not usually an excitable person outside the bedroom but chapter 3 is certainly a cause for arousing curiosity.

Emily teaches us about the emotional one ring (you’ll definitely want to get the book for this one) and provides a beautiful context analogy about how 72 degrees feels on a scorching hot day versus how it feels on a bitterly cold day. Perfect, perfect analogy; My entire sex life starts to make sense right here.

It explains why I mourned the temporary loss of my sexual interest after giving birth to my daughter. I was so relieved to discover that it was indeed, only temporary **PHEW**

This is the chapter where you take full control of your sexual transformation.

Read Part II of this review

Artist Feature

Woman Reading Book with Orange” by Georgy Kurasov

“Georgy Kurasov was born in 1958 in the USSR, in what was then Leningrad. He still lives and works in the same place, but now the country is Russia and the city is called St Petersburg. Without any effort on his part whatsoever, Georgy seems to have emigrated from one surreal country to another.” -Excerpt from Georgy Kurasov personal website

To see more of his art visit Kurasov Fine Art

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