art by tinamariaelena

Sex with Strangers

In the heat of summer on an early Saturday evening, a beautiful woman of few friends and mild social anxiety can be found scrolling the personal ads of her local online classifieds to see what wonders there are to discover: long term relationships, casual encounters, women for men, women for women, women for more women.

She doesn’t find any ad that piques her interest, so she decides to place one of her own. She’s a talented writer with an entrenched love for writing. She fills her ad with poetic symphonies of iambic pentameter; words of truth from her heart. She writes in a way that people placing ads for online personals just don’t write. Not so, “Let’s just cut to the chase.” It’s a waste; nothing there anyway but weirdos and creeps, scammers, sex trafficers, and desperate souls. Oh, but she is neither and yet she is here. She’s just a lonely girl fishing to fill her Saturday night with a bit of fun and fresh delight.

Sex with Strangers

I don’t know about anyone else, but I do enjoy the thought of the occasional risque rendezvous of encounters with strangers; nameless sex in unknown territory. Sometimes it magically morphs into more and those are the times I risk it all for. No pressure. Millenials are indeed recreating the dynamics of relationships.

I’ve met a few friends through the ads of online classifieds. Imagine my devastation when I discovered such a venue no longer exists.

We all do relationships a bit differently from meetings and individual introductions to sexual encounters and all facets of relationships.

This is one way I do or rather did them. Now, SESTA and FOSTA and the entire 45 administration is destroying what I suspect had been a way of doing relationships for many of us introvert, socially awkward and anxious type.

Anonymous Debut

Ever since the internet debuted in my life in the eighth grade, I’ve resorted to late night chat room conversations to keep me entertained in the realm of relationships. I truly enjoy the mystery and vulnerability of it all. Chat room therapy is what I once called it. Pouring out my truest confessions to faceless human persons while sitting nude in dim light gives new meaning to being naked.

I’ll be the first to admit that the potential for sex with a stranger excites me a lot more than actually following through on it. In my head, I romanticize it so much that I’m really just scared it won’t be remotely anything the way I see it in my mind’s eye.

In the words of a close friend of mine, “You can’t expect romance in a one night stand.” 🙄 I’m still not sure where we get such ideas from. Romance is so perfect for one night stands and I’ll tell you why just not today.

Casual Encounters

I’m just concerned that sex with a stranger might be all icky and objectified; sex without the connection.

Although, there was that one time that was quite magical. I had been fantasizing about a mmf (male, male, female) threesome, but there was no one in my life with whom I felt remotely comfortable in carrying out this fantasy with, so I placed my very specific request in the casual encounters section of the online classifieds.

Jay responded.

art by tinamariaelena

instagram.com/tinamariaelena

I’ve always been wary of mmf encounters because of the stigmas associated with them. There was a recent discussion on Instagram about reprogramming and reconstructing these ideas of multiple men having sex with one women.

I’d had a mmf threesome long ago that I mentioned in my 9 Tips for Her Better Oral Pleasure post. It was an unplanned pleasant experience. I wanted to have that again, but based on the stories I’d heard from other women, my experience was a lucky one; I felt like the probability of it happening again in that positive way was unlikely without some sort of guidance on my part.

Fortunately, Jay understood precisely what I needed and oh boy did he deliver. He and his close friend saw me through multiple selfless, pleasurable, shameless, and stigma-free squirting orgasms.

Would I have been able to have this had it not been for the ease of stranger encounters via online classifieds? Perhaps. Maybe not.

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic

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An Analysis of Love

Love doesn’t hurt it is the things we associate with love that hurts us.

Monogamy = commitment = faithful = love

This is the assumed equation when it comes to love. However in my experience, it is an equation that is lacking dynamically. Can not one who is polyamorous also be committed, faithful, and in love…Indeed, they are the most loving that I know.

The truth is we, more often than not, use love to dominate, possess, control, and manipulate.

If you love me you would…

you would be…  you would do…
If only you loved me enough.

I assure you, love is enough.

Love is not property. One cannot just decide how it behaves, when it behaves, or who it behaves or mistakenly labeled “misbehaves” with.

Love cannot be possessed.

Love is whimsical. Love is wild. Love is free…Attempts to tame it will only bring you torment…Why torture yourself?

Love is not some physical entity that can be owned, bought, sold, or traded on a whim. Love is like the wind.

Love is a weightless sphere, an orb, with mass, surface, layers, depth, and diameter. At any perspective from which you are examining it, you are not seeing its entire part. Love is a whole we often use to fill holes. Don’t get me wrong, love is very capable of filling holes, thus making one heal whole, just not in the ways we seek to do so.

Love leads by example.

When we hurt the ones we love, it is not because we don’t love them. Perhaps it may be because we’ve had poor, poor examples of love.

Most times we are not hurt by any direct act at all but rather by our own expectations for the people we love, and by our lack of accountability for those expectations. It seems much easier to blame rather than take responsibility for the true cause of our self-inflicted pain.

Love is perfect…human beings  are not. Falling in love does not render one imperfect being suddenly perfect. Instead, it renders them capable of perfection through acceptance.

Accept love as it is, formless and fluid in its imperfect package.

Charlotte Kasl, author of “if the Buddha date” said that falling in love, which is kind of like falling out of your neocortex into your more primitive instincts, can feel euphoric.

She says that, “When we “fall in love” and project the image of The Perfect One onto our new love interest, it implies that we are incomplete the way we are.” She advises that when this happens, “Go inside yourself and ask, What crazy expectations am I feeding myself?” She encourages the reader to, “Bring yourself back to the present, peel away your expectations, and look at the mortal before you.”

Love without expectations, without exception, without exclusion.

It is the most liberating feeling in life.


Pretty Pink Lotus Bud Signature

 

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Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic-a sex blog about feminine sexuality, relationships, and spirituality

Stop Running Pussy Scams!

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic-a sex blog about feminine sexuality, relationships, and spirituality

Before I began this post, I’m already prepared for the whole, “women run scams, too,” counter argument. We know women run scams, too. In fact, we also know they’ve coined an adorable little nickname for it; Gold Diggers.

Oh you know it, too? Yes, I’m sure. It has sparked a themed movement of movies, song lyrics, memes and the like. So yeah, we know but we rarely talk about the scams that men run. Hmmm. I wonder why that is? Not really. It doesn’t matter though because I’m not here to talk about gold diggers. I’m here to talk about pussy scammers.

What exactly is a pussy scam?

A pussy scam is when a person, usually a cisgender man, offers to do something nice for another person, usually a woman, cisgender or transgender, with the expectation of sex being the reward of a supposedly genuine gesture of kindness. In many cases, he might offer to do a favor, fulfill a need, complete a task, take her out, or buy her something. Drinks perhaps.

Pussy scams are so rampant that women often turn down kind offers from men because we feel like sex is more than likely the expectation. I mean, especially if you like a guy. You’re so reluctant to ask of anything or accept any offers because you don’t want to be disappointed.

It’s like, “Oh, here’s this guy who barely knows me, being so sweet and offering to do all these nice things.” Then you ask yourself cynically, “Ok, what does he want? ” Answer: the only thing that he believes you have for sure.

Guys are fully aware of this as well. I had one guy who sensed my ambivalence towards his offers and attempted to make me feel more comfortable by reassuring me that here were no strings attached. Of course there were, though. And even though I felt there were, it became undeniably transparent when he invited me to meet him out for drinks and the location he text me ended up being the address to one of those hourly motels. I didn’t hesitate to let him know I was very disappointed.

I’ve turned down dates and personal visits, offers to pay for or fix things “for free” that I might desperately need fixing just cause I feel like it’s nothing but a pussy scam.

Remember, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. It’s as my grandmother sometimes says, “People not out here offering something for nothing.”

Why not just say no?

Besides the obvious, the way fragile masculinity is set up,  that it could potentially be dangerous for a woman to say no to a man; being put in such a situation is already awkward and annoying as fuck. Once you refuse or decline the offer, then comes the begging, bargaining, coercion, and even threats that makes the situation multiple times worse.

I have tried them all and yes, I have been begged, bargained with, stalked, threatened, and had men attempt to coerce me into sex. Through my personal trials, I have found avoidance to be my safest and most successful strategy.

In reference to men, one writer wrote, “How am I supposed to love the one thing I fear the most?” Great question, yet this is the expectation of women who date men.

There are a variety of ways that men choose to run these scams. Why? I’m not exactly sure. I’ve asked a few guys before and I’ve come to the conclusion that they don’t even know why they do it. I usually get empty counters like, “Women be running scams, too,” or more serious responses like, “They get away with doing it with other women,” but that doesn’t really answer the question. In many cases, it isn’t even necessary. It just causes a lot of bitterness, mistrust, and brokenness.

Even so, there are many ways to run pussy scams. Just ask any woman, and I’m sure she has a story to tell; a few stories, actually. Here are a few of the scams I’m familiar with personally:

There’s the “whatever happens, happens” which I also like to call the “You know what you came over here for” scam.

But obviously I don’t.

This is when a guy invites you to his place to watch a movie (because this one is pretty common) or offers to cook you dinner (true story on more than one occasion). Don’t fall for it; it’s a scam! It’s so tempting to fall for cooking dinner because I know how much I love to eat. However, I have no issue with eating your food and leaving.

A former neighbor invited me over for dinner once. I used to see him around a lot. We’d often stop and chat in passing, so I gladly took him up on his offer.

After dinner was done, my wine glass sat empty on the table. He quickly filled it again without even asking if I wanted more; then he started in on a conversation about sex that went a little like this. . .

“So what is the big deal about sex? I feel like if two adults are feeling each other and they want to have sex, they should. It doesn’t matter how well or how long they’ve known one another.”

I agreed then changed the subject and said, “All those hours you work, you must be making big money,” because earlier that evening he’d mentioned that he rarely had the opportunity to cook due to working twelve-hour shifts at the local hospital.

Homeboy took an offensive left and had no issue telling me he didn’t appreciate where the conversation was going. He expressed that he thought it was very tacky to talk about how much money a man makes on the first date. I wish I had somebody to come pick my bottom jaw up off the floor; the nerve of this guy.

I chuckled (that low, deep chuckle I do when I’m both baffled and amused at the same time), got up from my seat, politely thanked him for dinner and left. He called me several times after that and asked me to call him whenever I’d see him in the neighborhood. I never did.

Next one up is Expecting Pussy as Payment; the “what’s in it for me?” pussy scam.

This is when a guy does a money saving favor for a woman and instead of asking for monetary payment, he asks for pussy. I despise when any person attempts to take advantage of another in a vulnerable state.

Here’s the thing, besides the fact that prostitution is illegal, I see nothing at all wrong with this kind of exchange should the lady offer it or the gentleman make this proposition upfront. I’ve been propositioned before. If I’m not interested, I simply decline and that is that.

But pretending to do something nice for the sake of being nice and later expecting someone to have sex with you, then bringing up that you just did them a favor and saved them so much money when they decline your proposition is real low, trashy, and downright scammy (brief flashback).

I’m sure plenty of women have exchanged sexual favors as a reward whether he was her husband or not. I know I have, however, I’m sure it’s because that was something she wanted to do and not something she felt obligated to do. Also, true for me. HUGE, COLOSSAL DIFFERENCE; context is everything especially in this scenario.

A guy changed my tire once and I would have totally been stranded had he not done me that kindness. We talked as he struggled to change the tire. He was sweating all over the place.

I found him hilariously, charming and I gave him my number. I had the pleasure of taking that ride several times after that. It might be easy for him to associate the sex with having changed my tire but that would be a mistake. Have there been other guys to change my tire? Sure. Did I fuck them, too? No. Simply because that isn’t what I wanted to do.

Then there’s the “empty promises” and “sweet nothings” scam.

This is when a guy offers to do nice things that he never really plans to follow through on. I always see these type of scams on Who the Bleep Did I Marry?

“Girl, he promised to take me on dates to these nice, expensive restaurants, buy me diamonds, and take me on trips around the world.” He usually starts by making small promises, which he then fulfills to bait you. After that, he simply asks what it is you want to do and then plays up your fantasies. Yeah, yeah, like I said unnecessary, because I was planning on giving up the goodies anyway simply because I like you that much. Now, I just think you’re a liar.

This scam is also for the guys who pretend to be looking for a serious relationship just cause they know that’s what the woman wants. Pretending they want to give her what she’s looking for just so she can give up the goodies. If you know you’re not looking for a relationship and the other person is, say that up front.

The infamous, “Let me buy you a drink” scam.

This is when a guy attempts to get a girl to loosen up by offering her drinks or drugs to gain her inebriated consent. Now, I’m not talking rape here. I’m not talking passed out drunk. I’m talking more trying to lower her judgement. I mean, you wouldn’t believe the number of guys who truly believe this sort of thing is completely acceptable. Scratch that, I’m sure you would, if you’re a woman or if you have any guy friends at all.

When I was in college, I had a crush on this guy and maybe he didn’t know it. I’ve had guys tell me I’m not easy to read and they couldn’t tell whether I liked them or just wanted to be friends. He and I chilled together often.

One day he came over and we were smoking together. Mostly I was smoking but we both were laughing and talking. I was so high the room was spinning. He could tell I was really high and he told me to lie back on the bed. I pushed his hand away and told him no. He asked, why not. I stood up and told him that I didn’t like when people try to get me high to take advantage of me and that if he wanted to have sex with me he should have just asked when I wasn’t high because I absolutely would have said yes.

The look on his face was priceless. I really did like him and I did want to have sex with him, but the whole scamming thing was a huge turn off for me. Like I said, unnecessary. He didn’t even have to go through all that.

If you are guilty of being a pussy scammer and you are reading this post, I encourage you to stop running pussy scams. If you know someone who is a pussy scammer, go ahead and do women a favor by sharing this post with him. Pussy scamming doesn’t help anyone. Like I mentioned earlier, it simply causes a lot of bitterness, mistrust, and brokenness.

My pussy is my pleasure zone; it is not the prize. My value, any woman’s value, is not in her vagina. It is in her love, her loyalty, her trust, her security, her confidence, her wholeness, her beingness. It is in HER and not some isolated part of her.

Two things to remember: self-control is both beautiful and desirable, and the friend zone does not exist. I guarantee if she wants to fuck, it’s going down. She just doesn’t want you, dude. Be man enough to accept that. Any man in my so called friend zone, I make no apologies, is just simply not a man I want to fuck.

Value that woman. Trust her enough to know that she knows what she desires and if that’s not you, move along if you don’t like being in the “friend zone”. Removing you from the “friend zone” is not her responsibility, it’s yours. Don’t make her have to refuse you more than once. Don’t be a threat to her love, her loyalty, her trust, or her security. Be the change that is absolutely necessary in this world.

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic

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Play With My A$$ While I Read a Book

But wait wouldn’t that be distracting. Well sure, it could be distracting. It could also be sexual harassment or sexual assault depending on the context. More obviously, with someone you’re comfortable with, it could be arousing. Allowing someone to play with my booty while I read a book is mostly about the context of the circumstances.

First, if I’ve opted to read when you’re around that means we’ve gotten past that formal, somewhat awkward first stage of getting to know someone and meeting their representative. Some might find it rude, but I promise it’s a compliment coming from me. We are now moving to an area that we can interact with one another without direct physical or verbal contact. For me, this is such a pleasant and peaceful place to be. It means we enjoy one another’s presence; one another’s aura and energy. I wish to share this feeling with more people, more often.

I enjoy reading mostly when I feel comfortable and uninhibited. Usually, I am home, mostly nude, and food is nearby. I like when things are quiet and I’m in solitude. The chance of being disturbed is unlikely.  If I allow you to join me in my solitude, you just might be a sure thing.

As much as I love to read, few people whom I share a personal relationship with have witnessed me reading. To give you a better idea, for the entire three years of my marriage, I did not read a single book. I did not feel comfortable and I was constantly on high alert (I’ll post about that, too). Those are not great reading contexts at all.

Secondly, I haven’t always been a huge fan of my ass. It’s brought on a lot of criticism throughout the years; mostly self-criticism. It didn’t exist until somewhere around 2006. It’s oddly shaped. It’s flat at the top. It’s (arguably) small. It doesn’t fit my hips. It has too many stretch marks to be so little. Ewww cellulite. It’s too hairy. It’s jiggly. Why is it jiggly and it’s not even big?

It has taken a lot of self-compassion to bring me to this place of loving my booty. It’s ok to not have the socially constructed version of the perfectly round, taught, even toned, Brazillian waxed, bikini booty. When I finally sat down to have the long overdue conversation with myself about my relationship with my ass, I realized I really didn’t have an issue with any of those things. I love my ass; even more so in some hi cut, cheeky, lace boy shorts and when I’m watching it bounce back and forth in the reflection of mirrored hotel room walls as I’m taking it from the back.

Even so, I’m very sensitive when it comes to my ass. The wounds of self-criticism are still healing. Keep all negative comments to yourself, please and thank you. I said all that to say, if I let you play with my ass (even when I’m not reading a book), I feel safe with you. My safety is the most important thing to me, physically and psychologically. In many contexts, my safety is the key to my comfort. I cannot feel comfortable unless I feel safe.

The Pretty Pink Lotus Bud writer, Victoria R.

Playing with my ass while I read a book essentially means I feel safe and comfortable with you.

Finally, it’s more about intimacy and less about sex. Once I’ve reached this place, you could play with my ass all day and I’d probably fall asleep before I’d want to have sex. This is because I value intimacy much more than I value sex, however, mostly the two are intertwined. Once a romantic connection is established, intimacy usually leads to sex. Chances are if I’m comfortable enough to be intimate with you, I’m comfortable enough to have sex with you even if I never do.

However, under the circumstances of playing with my ass while I read a book, sex is likely to occur soon and often, if it hasn’t already. In the meantime, I’ll enjoy basking in the safety and comfort of such an intimate moment way too much to end it. I’m selfish like that sometimes. And if I am this comfortable with you, then I’m certain that you won’t mind me being selfish because you‘ll know that’s your ass and you can have it anytime you want.

Artist of the featured image is not known. I have searched all over IG for whom it belongs to. I would like to give thus artist credit for their work. If you have any information, please email me at prettypinklotusbud @ gmail.com or tag me on IG (prettypinklotusbud)

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7 Truths About Being NonMonogamous

Embracing my non-monogamous self has been a long road of heartache: lies, guilt, broken trust, and a seemingly endless amount of tears. It has been a battle within myself as well as outside of myself.

Imagine in almost every relationship you’ve ever been in, constantly being told that you’re wrong, dishonest, a liar, a cheater, selfish, disloyal, or weird all because you desire to be with or love more than one person at a time. Imagine constantly being threatened that you have to choose only one or you’re going to end up alone. Welcome to my life.

For a while, I believed it. Although I know I am the most loyal and honest person I know, I had let the world convince me that I was doing something that was somehow wrong even though that is not how I felt. I believed what I was doing was causing someone else disappointment. I felt a lot of guilt; I felt somehow responsible for their grief.

Hetero-monogamy is the narrative that most of us are raised by and I’ve come to know that that is not everyone’s truth. That is not my truth.

As a non-monogamous woman, I often feel misunderstood and simplified, for lack of a better word. So today, I’m sharing 7 truths to help clarify non-monogamy.

It’s not a phase

I once told a guy I was dating that I was non-monogamous and his response was, “Only in the beginning, right?, Like after you fall in love, you only want to be with that one person, right?” Wrong. Non-monogamy does not have an expiration point.

He seemed incredibly hurt when I told him that I was talking to other people. He wanted to mend things by getting me to promise to be honest and faithful from then on out, but I just decided to end it. I didn’t like what he was implying. We clearly didn’t have the understanding I thought we did.

Non-monogamy is not a phase. It is who I am and there is nothing wrong about it. I say this to my students often and I will say it here just as much, “It’s not you who is broken; it is the culture.”

You won’t just wake up one day and suddenly be monogamous. It won’t happen if you decide to cure it with monogamous marriage vows either; trust me. You cannot just “Pray the gay away.” If you do feel like it’s just something to get over or that you just haven’t met the right person, you can only do that by first embracing it. Claim it as your truth until you decide it isn’t.

In retrospect, the first time I realized I was non-monogamous, I was 15 or 16 years old. Yes, I’ve heard a million times that you know nothing of yourself at that age. I’ll tell you this, everything that I have confirmed about myself at age 31, I’ve known since I was sixteen-years-old. Every single thing. . .it has only taken me another sixteen years to embrace all those things without guilt and without shame and to relinquish those things that do not serve who I Am.

“My man” or “my woman” isn’t appealing (and may sometimes be red flags)

As a non-monogamous woman, I am not possessive or controlling. Every essence of my being is live and let live. I am known to express feelings of compersion, and although I am not immune to jealousy, I certainly am not enchanted by the whole “my man” or “my woman” thing.

Many times my first thoughts are, “What am I, a cow!?” I don’t like the idea of being thought of as a possession. I belong to no one.

Although I know they are terms of endearment, I also know they have much deeper meaning and I’m not going to like what comes next: Unhealthy attachment, control, manipulation, and passive aggressiveness. I’m sure this won’t always be the case but this has been my experience.

And while it might seem cute and innocent in the beginning, soon your sweetie will be trying to convince you, through subtle guilt of course, that their desire to keep you all to themselves is love while your desire to love another is pure selfishness. You see what I’m saying?

Guilt or shaming won’t work

I can count the exact number of times I’ve heard a partner say something along the lines of, “I can’t believe you would do this,” or “You’re not who I thought you were.” After all that, guess what, I’m still NON-MONOGAMOUS yet I’m not in a relationship with any of them. I never understood how a choice to be with another could completely change a person’s idea of who someone is.

It’s like when you talk to someone over the phone and they make socio-economic assumptions about you based on the way you talk. Then once they meet you in person, they treat you different on some, “you’re not who I thought you were,” BS. Yeah, you know those type.

Did shaming ever work? Depends on what you mean by work. If by work you mean, makes one decide not to openly disclose their non-monogamous nature and instead resort to cheating which is still technically a form of non-monogamy, then the answer is, of course, it didn’t work!

Did you ever feel bad? Of course, I felt bad for having to sneak around behind my partner, and for feeling responsible for hurting someone that I love, but not for being non-monogamous. So what did I do, I stopped. Stopped being non-monogamous? No, silly. I stopped cheating. I stopped lying by omission about being monogamous. I started being honest with myself first.

Don’t attempt to force things where they do not fit and never try to change a person through guilt or coercion. It will backfire.

Accept me as I am or go away.

Non-monogamy is not a fear of commitment

I love sharing conversations about being non-monogamous. What I don’t like is at the end of me sharing when a person goes, “Oh, I get it. You’re just afraid of commitment. That’s what that sounds like.” No.

For me, there is some ambivalence towards commitment only because I don’t want to be coerced into committing on someone else terms, which seems to be the case with me. Who cares if they are the “socially normal” terms of committing.  Being in a non-monogamous relationship with the same person for the past four years counts for some kind of commitment I’m sure.

Being non-monogamous, my ideal commitment would be between me and two others, a cisgendered man and woman, in which we sit together and define what our relationship will be. However, should I meet someone and we decide to be in a relationship, it’s not going to be a situation of, “Hey, you have to also be with my other someone so that I can have my ideal relationship.” In that same way, I wouldn’t want this scenario pressed upon me.

I’m good with commitment as I’m sure most other nonmonogamous individuals are. I’m better with compromise.

Non-monogamy does not equate to being disloyal or unfaithful

The first time I revealed to a partner that I was non-monogamous and we decided to move forward, it felt really liberating up until the point when he discovered that I was actually talking to someone else. I’d never seen anyone look more depressed in my life. Then came the whole, “You’re not who I thought you were speech.”

I really liked him, a lot and things were going well. I almost took responsibility for this once again as I cried alone in my bed that night because he refused to sleep next to me (punishment, I suppose), until I remembered that I had told him everything. There was no dishonesty. There was no disloyalty. There was no unfaithfulness. Then I grew angry, distant, and then I just told him it wasn’t going to work out.

Non-monogamy is not about disloyalty or being unfaithful.

“A lot of people describe having sex with only one person as ‘being faithful’.

It seems to me that faithfulness has very little to do with who you have sex with.

Faithfulness is about honoring your commitments and respecting your friends and lovers, about caring for their well-being as well as your own.”

― Dossie Easton, The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities

We can be present for our partner, for everything and still be with someone else, too. This for me is loyalty.

It’s not about loving one more than another. It’s not about preferring someone else to another. It’s not about choosing a side but rather about loving infinitely. It’s not about having your cake and eating it, too.

When it comes to relationships, I encourage my friends to create their own commitments and don’t just adopt the popular ones. Because what’s popular isn’t always right and what’s right isn’t always popular. Cheating is all about breaking commitments. Don’t make it a part of your commitment and it won’t be there to break.

I’ll say it again, the hetero-monogamous narrative is not for everyone.

Non-monogamy can and often does include love

After I told my ex that I was in love with someone else, he immediately began questioning himself, what did I do? Am I not good enough? What can I do differently? No matter what I said, I could not convince him that it wasn’t about him. That my desire to seek out another relationship and eventually fall in love was not a fault that needed a fix.

He could not understand how I could be in love with two people at the same time. Surely, there must be one that I prefer? There was not and eventually things ended with both. Eventually. . .

There are different types of non-monogamy and you can learn about Seven types here. My form of choice is polyamory but as I learn more about relationship anarchy, I’m beginning to think this is most like me (which is something I can explain in another post).

My forever bae and I have loved one another for 17 years. We’ve been through a slew of relationships, breakups, marriage, divorce, and six children none of these between the two of us though. In my anger and confusion of accepting myself as non-monogamous, I asked him to never call me again and he didn’t.

Seven years, three kids, a marriage, and a divorce later guess who shows up at my doorstep. I was so excited to see him. I couldn’t stop smiling. After we talked and reminisced for a bit, I told him I was glad to know that he felt the same. And in his infamously corny way, that always seems to make me laugh, he says to me, “Love don’t change (the song by Jeremih).”

He’s right. Love, true and unconditional, does not change. Time, distance, circumstances, life, or death cannot change it. It doesn’t matter how many years pass or how far away they go. Love does not require two people to be together. It doesn’t require a marriage. It doesn’t even matter if the person is dead. These reasons also do not prevent you from discovering new love. You may resist it. You may deny it, but you cannot prevent it. We seem to have the most difficult time accepting that we can all love more than a single person at a time.

Love is infinite. It is not bound by social structure or acceptance. I prefer my non-monogamy with boundless love. Because if not, what’s the point!?

Come on home, my love is
Never gonna run dry, never gonna come up empty
Now until the day I die, unconditionally
You know I’m always gonna be here for ya
No one’s ever gonna love you more than
God, your mama, and me
God, Your Mama, and Me
-Florida Georiga Line

We may decide at any time to no longer practice non-monogamy

Yes, you did see this earlier, “You won’t just wake up one day and suddenly be monogamous.” However, you may wake up one day and decide you no longer want to practice non-monogamy for whatever reason. Trust me when I say, this also happens the other way around. I have gone extended periods of time only being with a single person. Was I suddenly monogamous? No. I simply decided that I only wanted to be with that one person which I may decide again at anytime.

I’ve been asked that if I did decide this and I happened to be in an open relationship, would I require my partner to also practice monogamy. The answer is, not at all. Before you get all in your feelings about it, we do this all the time so it’s not abnormal by any standard. I know bisexual people in monogamous relationships. Does that mean they’re suddenly not bisexual? Ask them and they will tell you no. I know people of organized faith who don’t practice their religion. It doesn’t make them not what they claim to be.

I’ve accepted that non-monogamy is a part of who I am right now. People tend to think that means my bed is never empty, but that isn’t true. Being non-monogamous can be a lonely endeavor. The cultural reputation of non-monogamy has really taken a beating. People tend to believe non-monogamous individuals are promiscuous, that we are afraid of commitment, and a number of other misconceptions. Hopefully, this post sets the record straight on at least a few of those.

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic

Artist feature

“Poly” by Stasia Burrington

A talented and beautiful artist and illustrator out of SeaTac, Washington. Visit Stasia’s Etsy shop to add her art to your collection.

 

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