All Opposed to Cunnilingus Say I

Vaginas are not that complicated

Pussy is not that anatomically complicated. People are out here making it seem like it’s rocket science; it’s not. The outside is called the vulva and the inside is the vagina. See easy. All the parts of the vulva you can see and touch, are quite easy to find and remember once you get some up close and personal hands on experience. But you gotta dive in, lights on, eyes opened, and face first.

It seems like a lack of desire fueled by conditioning, misogynistic and patriarchal propaganda, social constructs and the severe deficit of sex education that is the cause of resistance when it comes to learning the pussy; causing a person to not want to get too up close and personal with the female sexual anatomy. We fear what we do not understand.

Pussy is beautiful and absolutely amazing. Trust me, I have one, but if you listen to what society teaches you in the readily available mainstreams of our culture, you might learn something opposite.

Growing up in church with unclean women

via GIPHY

I grew up in a small, southern town in Mississippi where I attended a missionary baptist church. I was raised on those biblical teachings: Sunday school, bible study, choir rehearsal. Before a certain point in my life, I was always at church for some reason or another.

As a young girl, I recall one Sunday in particular. A woman in our congregation, whom also happened to be well-known in our community, stood up to announce that she had been called upon by god to minister to her people. I’d seen this happen before in the church, but this time it was different. Something different was happening. As a child, I did not understand why, but as I got older I grew into the understanding of that experience.

In the past, I had only witnessed men who stood to announce themselves as ministers, preachers, and reverends. When Ms. Cat, as we called her, stood to make her announcement, you could feel the energy shift within the church. There were whispers about the uncleanliness of women due to her monthly cycle and how she was not permitted by god to stand and give “the word” from the pulpit. There were several meeting announcements, more than usual and it caused quite a commotion in our community. After several meetings, deacon board meetings, members and congregation meetings, pastors meetings etc, it was decided that she would be permitted to join the ranks of a position long held only by men in our church. I was one of my very first memories of being a woman.

Those smelly, yucky vaginas

This is what mainstream, religious culture teaches us. Women are unclean; women are the cause of sin; women are the link between man and sin; women are unclean because of their vaginas; women are unclean because they bleed from their vaginas; women are unclean because they’re sex organs are tucked on the inside and cannot be properly cleaned; you can tell that a woman is unclean because of odor and discharge (even referring to natural odor and discharge) . It’s gross to touch a woman’s pussy because of odor and discharge. Women are more susceptible to infections. Women are more likely to contract and carry infections (STI, Yeast, or Bacterial). To which, regardless of how the infection was contracted, all leads back to uncleanliness.

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These are very much the messages that I have received from society as women. I’m sure other women can relate. And if you’re like me and these things have been culturally embedded particularly to the point where you’ve actually subscribed to them and believed in them (which I have not and do not) then there’s absolutely no way you have any desire to put your face, mouth, or tongue in or on someone’s pussy. There are women with vulvas who think it is absolutely gross and won’t allow it done to them. There are also men who find it gross and refuse to do it.

And this is the real reason he won’t eat your pussy. Culturally embedded beliefs about feminine hygiene which includes the sell of sprays, washes, douche, and other products that fund a market that is expected to reach 42.7 Billion by 2022. All of these things contribute to callow ideas regarding vaginas and vulvas.

Peer Pressure of eating Pussy

The first time my ex boyfriend played with my pussy, he held his hand away from his body as though he’s just dipped his hand in acid. And the first time he ate my pussy he spat in an empty soda bottle for several minutes afterwards and then went to rinse his mouth with Listerine. That was not my first stroll around the block by far and I found the entire interaction absolutely hilarious. He kept apologizing and explaining that is was no offense to me. I understood. I had been conditioned to believe the same thing he was feeling in that moment.

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Eating pussy seems popular. It seems like everyone is doing it or at the very least everyone with a partner who has a vulva should be doing it…right? Because of all of this scientific evidence about nerve endings and clitorises, how it brings a woman so much pleasure and helps us reach orgasms more easily which seems to be relatively absent from heterosexual intercourse without ever addressing the issue of why I never considered doing this in the first place. Yes, because they weren’t taught, but more importantly, why they weren’t taught to.

Eating pussy is a delightful and enjoyable experience and not just for the person receiving. What can I say, you are what you eat!

However, the reality is some folks don’t feel comfortable because of what we have been conditioned to believe; what we have been programmed to believe about women and the uncleanliness of our sex organs.

Girls Against Cunnilingus

Did you even know this was a thing? I’ll be honest. I didn’t until I heard it with my own ears. One woman disclosed that she enjoyed receiving oral sex, but it was not something she encouraged. She went on to say that she would allow a person to give her oral sex, but would not kiss them afterwards because she thinks it’s gross. Another woman disclosed that she does not allow her partner to perform oral sex on her for the same reason–she believes “it’s absolutely disgusting.” And I get it, I hear similar things all the time.

I mean if there is a woman who doesn’t want to touch herself to masturbate, then understanding that there is one who doesn’t want her partner to go down on here because she doesn’t want to kiss them afterwards is not too far fetched. Please understand that I’m not shaming anyone here. It’s perfectly fine to not enjoy oral sex for what ever reason. Everything is not for everyone.

via GIPHY

Enthusiasm vs Obligation

When I’m with a guy who does it, but does so reluctantly, the energy is so much different than the guy who does it enthusiastically. It’s like some guys feel peer pressured to eat pussy. Whether it’s because they just want their partner to enjoy it, peer pressure from society, or some other personal reason. Instead of it being from a place of desire, it comes from a place of obligation and I don’t like that word much at all especially when it involves anything sexual. In order for me to enjoy it, it definitely has to be something I love doing and I expressed as much in my Joys of Fellatio series last summer.

I enjoy receiving oral sex a lot. I like to watch. I love the way it feels, however I don’t need to receive it in order to reach orgasm. So in order for me to enjoy receiving, I require a partner that enjoys giving. I absolutely need enthusiastic consent in order to enjoy oral sex. Other than that, it is not necessary for an orgasm but it absolutely makes sex better ←No doubt about it. Which means I’d rather have it than not just to make myself real extra clear.

For many women, eating the pussy is necessary for both enjoyment and orgasm. And now that we know the real reason behind why he won’t eat your pussy, let us work on that part. Let’s get reacquainted with the vulva, the vagina, the female sex organs, the pussy. Let’s honor pussy. The vulva and vagina is a sacred space deserving veneration. Be dauntless in reclaiming the vagina narrative.

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic

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Make Her Cumm Without Using Your Tongue

What if more men thought of sex as something you give a woman rather than something you get from a woman? Oh, how different sex might be!

There is a movement among us, a powerful movement sweeping the sexual freedom community. This movement calls for more and better external clitoral stimulation so that women, all women, may enjoy the pleasure of experiencing mind-altering ORGASMS and a higher frequency of said ORGASMS. The movement seems to particularly focused on oral stimulation of the clitoris. Yep, that’s right. Cunnilingus.

As a woman with a clitoris, I love clitoral stimulation and I am all for oral clitoral stimulation. But of course, I still must listen to guys say, “I should not be obligated to eat pussy if I don’t want to.” Same thing we’ve been saying about sucking dick, but I digress. And while I do so reluctantly, I can empathize with this. No one should be obligated to perform any sex act that they don’t desire to perform. However, getting the lady you are with to achieve ORGASM is still your responsibility and moral obligation. Yes, you read that correctly…MORAL OBLIGATION.

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud- Press Her Button- Clitoral Stimulation

Porn makes it seem like fellatio is a necessity when it comes to sex. We know that isn’t true. At least not from a climaxing perspective, however stimulation of the clitoris is absolutely necessary for many (most) women in order to climax. Mostly, that requires external stimulation most reliably achieved through oral stimulation though not always guaranteed due to a lack of skill.

Why don’t some men like to eat pussy? I don’t know but I’m like 90% certain that it has something to do with their conditioning in regards to the cleanliness of the vulva and vagina as well as menstruation.  I mean, at least from the many conversations I’ve had with guys. Other’s have shared that they can’t get past the taste. There have been a few I’ve been fortunate to persuade otherwise,😏 while others stand firmly by their “I do not eat pussy,” mantra. I guess you can’t win ’em all. 🤷🏾‍♀️

You remember Mike, right? I told you about Mike in my When did you first recognized you needed consent? post. Remember how I told you that I still have the most amazing orgasms with him? #TrueStory In fact, if I’m totally honest he gives me the best ORGASMS I’ve ever had at this stage in my life. Now, I’ll let you in on another secret. Mike has never, in the five years that I’ve known him, perform cunnilingus on me. And as far as I’m concerned, he never has to. I know you’re probably thinking, Whaaaaat? And I’m thinking yaaaaaasss.

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud- flower opening

Why? How? Firstly, I do not require external stimulation to reach ORGASM. Also because there’s obviously more than one way to stimulate the clitoris. Duh.

I mean I hope we know this. If we don’t, given the primitive way we deal with sex present day, very little surprises me.

I enjoy multiple types of clitoral stimulation that I will be sharing with you in this post. Hopefully, my experience can translate into a positive, more pleasurable experience for you and your vulva toting partner. I share all the details of how Mike makes me cum without ever using his tongue.

Toys.

Toys are not ideal for everyone. I didn’t start out with toys. Toys were not a part of my sex life until later on. Eventually, bullets became my go-to if I couldn’t get the real thing. Or I just didn’t feel like being bothered with the real thing or if the urge hit me instantly and there was no real thing around. So I’ll say I enjoy toys. They get me where I need to be and these days I’m learning to love them even more. Thanks to the #30dayorgasmfun. However, when it comes to sex, I absolutely crave human touch and this, my love, is my greatest dilemma.

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud- purple vibrator bullet in a gift box

I have been advised not to think of sex toys in this way, but rather as enhancements to your sexual interaction. I must admit that toys are mostly a distraction if I’m not using them alone. Mostly…but then that might be because I’m not doing it right or that I’m using the wrong kind of toys 🤔

Even so, I got into toys because I knew a chic in college who absolutely freaking love them. She was constantly dragging me into novelty stores saying, “Hey, Victoria oh my god you have to try this.” In retrospect, she would have been really, really great at selling sex toys.

Women who love toys do exist and since becoming a sex blogger I’ve met so many and it’s awesome. They’ve certainly ignited a deeper curiosity within me. Not that I ever questioned this possibility; I’ve just had such a limited experience with toys personally.

These days I do enjoy my guy using a toy to stimulate me. It’s always a fun teaching experience that ends with a lot of pleasure because of the intimacy and the laughter. While toys are not my first choice, they are definitely an option for assisting your partner in reaching ORGASM. Good vibes has an excellent selection if you’re looking for a few options right now.

All hands, but mostly fingers, on deck

Do it with your hands. As much as I love masturbating, it is even better when someone else does it for you. There is so much intimacy present as you stare into the face of your lover or enjoy some deep kissing while you bring them pleasure with your fingers and they just erupt in your hand. Ahhhh!

 

First time deliberately making someone cum with your fingers? Here’s my advice based on what I enjoy. Stick to external stimulation only…no fingering. Make sure you wash your hands first and rinse the soap completely. Your call, but consider clipping your nails. Use plenty of lube…no such thing as too much. Go slow…in the words of a well-circulated Meme…Calm down, it’s not a DJ booth. Follow their guided instruction. I know that I can’t help placing my finger over top and guiding the movement and pressure of the stimulation. Sooooo good.

Pay attention to how they respond physically and vocally. I kinda get annoyed if I tap my person and they continue doing the same thing. Even if you don’t know what something means, ask. And if I’m not enjoying it, I get very quiet. Fingerplay is definitely the best. Kissing plus finger play when my person’s a pro….Yaaaaasss.

Way to use your head

Last but certainly not least, men have this amazing ability to do this wonderful external clitoral stimulating thing with… get this, now… the head of their penis. Whoa! Absolute Magic. I would go so far to say pure sorcery. I close my eyes and I can’t tell the difference between the head of his penis and cunnilingus, except his body is pressing on top of mine. That is the only reminder. Once again, lube is your best friend.

Doing this with a nipple in your mouth 🤤. It’s not for everyone, but it’s definitely for me and maybe it might work for you, too. But if you’re new to this, just start out with one at a time. Once you catch a rhythm, jump on in with the second one. It kind of reminds me of double dutch. You got to have some talent and coordination to accomplish these things.

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud- Tapping head meme

Now, this could present an issue for some because I know for me, I never used to do this type of stimulation because I just didn’t trust the guy I was with to see me through to ORGASM before he tries to put his dick inside my vagina. Thanks to the male privilege that values men’s pleasure over women’s pleasure, men tend to get ahead of themselves and think it’s perfectly acceptable to barge in without consent simply because they’re already so close. No, sir.

Those, my loves, are three ways that I enjoy external clitoral stimulation. No, cunnilingus required. Though highly recommended.

Bonus finger technique: I love this technique. It works super beautifully when I use it on myself and my partners. It’s a technique I discovered accidentally while masturbating one afternoon. With your finger, also works with your tongue or the head of your penis. You simply draw waning and waxing crescent moons over the clitoris over and over and over again.

Final thoughts on the whole, “I don’t eat pussy,” subject.

Just because you prefer not to eat the cookie, does not absolve you of seeing your partner through to a successful and complete ORGASM. They deserve it. #WomensOrgasmsMatter. Besides most vulva owners aren’t concerned about how we get it as long as we get it and the getting is good

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Oh and even if you do eat pussy, you can definitely use these to switch things up a bit. Like I said, I thoroughly enjoy all these different ways to climax. They each offer a different kind of experience. 😉

Thanks for reading. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this moral obligation. Share your comments and related post links in the comment section below.

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Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic

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Pay Attention to the Pussy

Actor Jordan Tyler for #WomensOrgasmsMatter

Guys….Pay Attention to the Pussy

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard from women that their partners just don’t give the pussy the proper attention. And no, I don’t mean with their dicks. I mean with their tongues. They tell me that they are always expected to suck his dick, but then he doesn’t always go down on them, or if he does, it’s weak.

So guys, here’s a bit of advice….treat that pussy like it’s your last meal. And go down on her first. I’ve actually stopped women from going down on me so I could go down on her first. Now if she’s the more aggressive type and insists on sucking your dick first, by all means let it happen. But take care of her after she’s done.

Women’s orgasms matter. And while I won’t say they matter more than our orgasms, let’s face it….as a guy, I’m going to cum during sex. It’s pretty much a given. 100% of guys will. But we all know women aren’t always that easy to get off. Sure some are, but not all are. So that means we need to do a little work.

And how many women are led to believe that they are to get the guy off first?? I blame society on that, and porn as well, as you see so much male centered porn where she either is faking it or doesn’t ever cum but he does. Well, let’s change that. I’d love to see more female centered porn as well, but that’s a different topic.

Put that woman first…

So when you are with your lady, put her needs first. Go down on her before she does you. Besides, a woman’s orgasm is a beautiful thing. The feeling when you are between her legs and her legs start to go over your shoulders….when they start to shake. When her hands run through your hair and then grab it. When her moans start and her breathing changes. When her hips start to lift up off the bed and her body shakes. It’s absolutely amazing.

If that’s not enough for you, here’s another thing. Virtually every time I’ve done this, she’s responded with so much more enthusiasm afterwards. She’s in the mood much more than if you hadn’t done her first. The blow jobs are better. The sex is better. You got her going and she’s more into it because of it.

So guys….take my advice. Eat more pussy. Eat her first. Make her cum first. Show her that her needs, her orgasms, are just as important as yours.

You’ll thank me for it later 🙂

About Jordan

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic-a sex blog about feminine sexuality, relationships, and spirituality

Jordan Tyler is male adult model and actor (a nice way of saying he does porn), who has worked across multiple areas of the sex industry. He’s been in porn films, worked as an escort, and performed live shows both on webcam and in person. In addition to these areas, he’s now expanding into blogging, covering various topics from the porn industry to sex and sexuality.

You can connect with Jordan via the links below:

Twitter @jordantylerxxx
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Instagram @model_jordan_tyler

Join the #WomensOrgasmsMatter campaign. Submit your two cents at hellolovely@prettypinklotusbud.org or Contact us.

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Conclusion: The Joys of Fellatio Blog Series

Today marks the conclusion of The Joys of Fellatio blog series in which I took you all on a journey through my personal experience, exposure, and enlightenment to discovering passion in the joy of giving pleasure to another and the power of owning that pleasure. Yes, indeed. For a limited time only while you hold all his glories between your lips, you are the sole proprietor of his sensual pleasure. And of course we all know that with great power comes great responsibility.

Context is Everything

If I have learned nothing of my own experience and a huge part of Emily Nagoski’s message in Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life, it’s that context is everything. What is context? Context is the circumstances that form the setting for an event, statement, or idea, and in terms of which it can be fully understood and assessed; it is the greatest determining factor between “this is wonderful” and “this is awful” especially when it comes to sex.

Do all that you can to build the ideal fellatio loving environment. One that is comfortable, inviting, filled with consent without pressures or expectations. Take your time to imagine and create your ideal context because everyone is not the same.

And while I love giving head, I do realize it is not everyone’s cup of tea. I also realize there may be more to it than “I just don’t like doing it” and it’s up to you to uncover those layers of history you have with fellatio, many of which I am sure were constructed by “social entities” outside of yourself that taught you things like, “Black girls don’t give head,” “Only nasty girls give blow jobs,” or other messages of objectification and degradation. Even things like, the penis is dirty or ugly. I know women who won’t put their face near a penis because they find them all to be hideous; a thing they were certainly taught.

It you missed this week series, don’t worry. You can catch up on it and subscribe so that you never have to miss a single post ever, ever again.

Here, I’ve conveniently listed all the post in the series below:

Day One: I Love Giving Head
Day Two: Words Unspoken
Day Three: Learning the Ropes to Giving Bad A$$ Blow Jobs
Day Four: The Anatomy of Passion
Day Five: 7 Ways to Discover the Joy in Fellatio

Finally, I would like to leave you with two final thoughts on fellatio: Context and Technique
Ideal context is first and foremost. It is also a really, really great to work on your technique. If you don’t have a clue about where to start, here’s an article on tips for an awesome BJ .

 

One very specific thing for the guys who love fellatio; I didn’t mention this during the series however, it is absolutely important in regards to context—performance pressure/the pressure to make a person orgasm by fellatio is a huge context killer. Obliterater. Just FYI.

Thank you all so much for reading this series. I truly hope you enjoyed it and learned great things from it. There are lots of wonderful things in store for future post including prizes (hint, hint). You should subscribe.

If you enjoyed this post, I’m sure you’ll love to know more about cuckolding and what it’s all about.

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7 Ways to Discover the Joy in Fellatio

Welcome to Day Five of our blog series. Yesterday, we had the pleasure of discovering the anatomy of passion, learning that finding joy in fellatio is much more than learning tips and techniques on how to bring a man to his knees. Although, there is great joy and power in that as well. Be sure to check it out if you missed it.

Seven Ways to Discover the Joy in Fellatio

I’ve heard many stories of women who don’t enjoy fellatio for whatever reason which is just too fucking bad. I’m certain some guy projecting feelings of obligation who refuse to take no for an answer through direct or indirect, non aggressive body language, snuffed the desire right out of her. Perhaps even a sexual trauma she had to endure has left her with a bad taste in her mouth about fellatio.

Every woman is different however, I can relate to a lack of desire to perform the act. My personal lack of desire always arises from a man who might be too presumptuous and aggressive. I know exactly where the penis is located; I don’t need any “guidance”. I also do not care to have the back of my head held in place while a penis is being thrust into my mouth. I got this.

I can totally relate to the eternal turn-off of having unsolicited dick whipped out into your face with the expectation that you should happily slide it into my mouth. With that being said, the suggestions I’ve listed in this post would have a woman like me eager to fulfill my desire to share my joy of fellatio with my guy. Ladies can initiate these suggestions as well should she be interested in finding her own joy in fellatio.

Here goes.

Get reacquainted with the penis. One of biggest pet peeves about adult sex is going in with expectations. How about we not do that for once. How about we truly let “what happens, happen.” Let’s just feel, observe, taste, listen, and smell. Take it all in selflessly without the expectation of sex.

Communication is always my very first go to. As Mrs. Mayweather explains, you may not be there because you aren’t talking about it. Doesn’t always work but you should always try it first. Talk it out. Explore her desires with the goal of uncovering what might have her against the idea of fellatio. Explore your mutual desires. Talk about what you want yet let her know you won’t move on any of those without her green light. In a world of assumptions, reassurance is comforting. Talk about trust, talk about openness, talk intimately about things indirectly related to sex.

Learn together. Learning the male anatomy (and female anatomy) and exploring those parts interactively is a highly intimate engagement. Talking purely from experience here. Allow her to come into her own. Let her touch, rub, feel and explore your penis uninhibited and without pressure to put it in her mouth. A well-lit room, light music, drinks, lots of playful laughter always gets the joys of fellatio flowing.

Put her desires and pleasure first. Let her know you care about how she feels and you want her to feel good. Help her feel relaxed. Keep a bit of distance and allow her to come to you but let her know you’re interested. Anticipation can be quite the mood heightening tool even if there’s no follow through. If she refuses you verbally or through body language accept that without taking it personally, without pressure or continuous inquiry. Most of the time, it’s not about you, and it’s just not worth snuffing out her joy.

Genuinely sweet talk her. Tell her she’s beautiful. Tell her things you honestly enjoy about her unrelated to sex. I have had guys tell me they sense a beautiful soul within me. That guy is more likely to get his dick sucked than some some guy telling me I have nice legs because guys tell me that, too. Once again though, context is everything. Ask her to share her fantasy of cunnilingus: the when, the where, the how. Ask her for all the details. Add to her details, suggest some things that you might do to her. Once she’s done, ASK her whether she minds if you share yours.

During the act, play with her ass and around her pussy; Not IN but AROUND her pussy. Hopefully, you follow the earlier suggestion of putting her pleasure first so that pussy is nice and wet when you go to play with it. It’s not easy to play in dry pussy and it’s honestly a turn-off (for me anyway). Moan loud enough that she can hear you from down there. Let her know how much you’re enjoying it. Tell her you like what she’s doing and be specific about what that is. Tell her how good she is at sucking your dick. Offer her verbal, seductive guidance, rub her back, play in her hair and if you’re on that level, tell her you love her. Let her have her way. She’ll let you have yours soon enough.

It’s praise time. When she’s done, tell her how much you enjoyed her sucking your dick. Grab her face, kiss her deeply, and tell her, “thank you for sucking my dick so good”. And if you make it to intercourse, give her long deep strokes. Squeeze her ass and ask her if she enjoyed sucking your dick. Look her directly in her eyes and tell her she sucked your dick so good. Even if she didn’t; she’ll get better and it will all be worth it.

***BONUS TIP***

I was reminded of to add this tip by my sex blogger buddy, Jordan; one that I mentioned in the introduction.

Own it! Yas, ladies. Once you’ve discovered your joy in fellatio. Own that $h!t. Show him who has the power and who is in control. You don’t like when he’s grabbing your head or hair? Let him know that hand has to go if he wants things to continue. Want him to move faster or slow down grab him by the hips and guide his body. You hold the pleasure therefore you have the power.

On the contrary, she might be the total opposite of all I just explained and enjoys her man aggressively telling her what to do and how to do it. Kind of like they do in standard porn. Not really my thing but hey it could be hers. Again, communication is key here. Remember, fellatio is not all about HIS pleasure.

If this doesn’t work, Carly gives some amazing BJ tips on After Market Cocks.

This marks the end of the Joys of Fellatio blog series. Let me know how you enjoyed it in the comments and whether you’d be interested in another series. I’m open to receiving ideas. Tomorrow, I will be concluding the series…a summary of sorts. Once again, subscribe, subscribe.

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The Anatomy of Passion

Welcome back to the Joys of Fellatio blog series Day Four: The Anatomy of Passion. Yesterday in Learning the Ropes to Giving Bad A$$ Blow Jobs you learned many things about how I learned and discovered the joys of fellatio. You can catch up on the entire series from the beginning in The Joys of Fellatio Introduction.

The Anatomy of Passion

The student had learned much from her master. Alas, our journey had ended. When my mom found out that I had been with a guy five years my senior, she threatened to have him arrested. I told her it wouldn’t matter because I was the age of consent in the state where we lived. This made mama very furious and of course, I could not go on seeing him. It wasn’t a big deal, but I wanted to know more. I needed to know more.

Lost in a Good Book

As a teenager, I spent my weekends in Barnes & Nobles. One of those weekends, I came across a book, What Your Mother Never Told You About Sex by Dr. Hilda Hutcherson, a female gynecologist. My mom knew I was sexually active and she wasn’t one for sex talks and conversations about boys so of course, she bought me the book and lots of condoms. That was much easier for her.

I still own that book. It taught me all about the male anatomy and of course, techniques on how to give great head, and a ton of other taboo sex stuff that had me totally intrigued, nurturing my inner freak that desperately wanted out but didn’t know much about how to make her debut. This is when I learned it was called fellatio.

I learned about growers and showers. I learned the most sensitive parts to lick and suck; How to use my lips and palate; how to move my tongue and the way to create vibration through low, deep moaning.

If you are a woman who already loves giving head, reading this section may help you learn new techniques. If your man likes oral stimulation, you can give him the ultimate pleasure by learning how to perform masterful fellatio.

 What Your Mother Never Told You About Sex, Dr. Hilda Hutcherson

Love + Passion= Joy

Suddenly I found myself three steps away from becoming a fellatio pro.

Step One: Read the techniques in the book
Step Two: Seduce some unsuspecting teenage boy
Step Three: Bringing him to his knees

It’s funny how I became the girl version of the guys my daddy had taught me to watch out for and I was enjoying the prowl. It was fun while it lasted but I must warn you, they never lasted very long.

I was very good at giving head. My favorite part was teaching a guy about his own sexual anatomy. I’d firmly run my tongue along the soft spongy part underneath the shaft of the penis and ask if he knew what it was called. He didn’t and I was happy to educate him. I was so very careful about whom I allowed to put it in my mouth. Consistently, I chose the introvert, handsome, passionate ones.

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When I met my ex-boyfriend, sparks flew. I couldn’t keep him out of my mouth. I didn’t want to. My passion of fellatio combined with my love of the actual person took oral sex to an entirely new level of joy. Sucking his dick got me so high that whenever I did, the room would spin and he would go crazy. Our energy would collide like planets out of orbit. I knew very well the joys of fellatio but not quite in this way. The energy between us was like nothing I’d ever experienced before. Putting it in my mouth was never a chore.

It was in these moments that I learned orgasm was possible from the simple act of giving pleasure to another. And, that there is so much more to discovering joy in fellatio than just tips and techniques. There is passion and there is power.

Tomorrow is the final day of The Joys of Fellatio blog series and I am serving seven (or more) ways to discover joy in fellatio. I’m excited because it’s not about tips and techniques but more about intimacy and reprogramming. You’re not going to want to miss this.

This post contains an affiliate link to the book What Your Mother Never Told You About Sex. Thank you for reading!

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Learning the Ropes to Giving Bad A$$ Blow Jobs

Welcome back. Yesterday in the Words Unspoken post I talked about why I had never spoken the words “I Love Giving Head.” A lot of if has to do with slut-shaming and misogyny surrounding feminine sexuality. Make sure you check it out if you missed it.

Learning the Ropes

My very first memory of giving head was such a wonderful one which is likely a contributing factor to why I enjoy it so much today. This guy was unlike any other I’d ever been with. Although at the time, that wasn’t very many at all. There was not a place on my body that he considered off limits for his hands or mouth. He was doing rimjobs before it was even “a thing” and I was here for it all yet I didn’t even know it until the moment he did them. From oral to anal to exhibitionism and his sexy foot fetish, he opened me up to a flood of new sexual experience leading me to discover that I am a mermaid. Not a fish out of water at all. . .

Ready and Willing

He loved to face plant in my pussy; whether he loved it or he loved the way I loved it, I’m still not sure. One day he asked me if I enjoyed giving head. I said yeah even though I had never done it before. I certainly wanted to. I was willing. I was ready. I’m a “try anything once” kinda girl. If I didn’t like it, I wouldn’t do it again; simple as that. However that was certainly not the case. I loved it and so did he. I was a natural, born to do this, pro status on my debut kind of woman. I took him in like a breath of fresh air.

He would tell me that some girls acted like they didn’t like it even when they did. I knew what he meant. Some girls I’d known who enjoyed it were embarrassed to admit it out of fear of slut-shaming or a feeling of obligation that I mentioned in Words Unspoken.

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Student and the Master

He could tell I enjoyed it and that made him enjoy it even more. He taught me so much about how to give [him] great head. Tips and techniques that I learned worked well on almost any man. He taught me to wiggle my ass when giving head and how to rock my head back and forth as I moved it in and out of my mouth. He taught me the one and the two hand twist and how to take it far back without gagging, but that gagging was cool too because it produced more saliva. And he always reminded me to watch my teeth. Most importantly, he taught me how to communicate my own desires, which can sometimes seem unwelcomed in the sexual arena as Amelia explains in her article, How to talk about sex more playfully. I recall that he’d scold me when I wouldn’t tell him that I wasn’t enjoying something, saying, “How am I supposed to know if you don’t tell me?”

I could tell that teaching me was sometimes frustrating for him but nevertheless rewarding. I’ve always been good at following instructions well.

He had me watching a Karrine “Supahead” Steffans porn video once. As Kristen will tell you, porn is not sex ed. I am also keenly against using porn as a source of education when it comes to sex but I must admit this works for guys. Probably because lots of guys have watched videos of her I’m sure.

Making Magic


I loved giving him head. I loved pleasing him orally because he made great efforts to please me in that very same way. That still holds true for me today regardless of who I’m with. Being self-less during intercourse is one of the sexiest things a person can be to me. I am more willing to give when I see that great efforts are made in giving to me. This is when the magic happens.

Thanks for reading today’s post. In tomorrow’s post, The Anatomy of Passion, I plan to talk about how my desire turned into an obsession of power and the joy I derived from making guys weak at the knee with my “oral fixation”. Remember to subscribe.

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Words Unspoken

Welcome to Day Two of The Joys of Fellatio blog series: Words Unspoken. Yesterday, I told you all about my special playmate in, I Love Giving Head, who allowed me to satiate my curiosity and interest in the male anatomy, and I previewed a bit about what we would talk about today. Here goes everything.

Words Unspoken

When I initially got the idea for this series, I wrote out the topic, I love giving head, and as I read those words, I realized I’d never spoken them out loud before- knowing they are 100 percent true; knowing they have been true since my very first opportunity to give oral pleasure to a man.

It’s not for everyone. Yet when you say these words out loud to others, this is precisely the assumption. It is automatically assumed that because you love giving head, you’d love to do it for anyone who asks, and you’d do it for everyone who asks essentially, when this could not possibly be farther from my truth.

Terms and Conditions Apply

Guys who haven’t got a chance in hell (mostly because it doesn’t exist) suddenly believe they do. The context and the conditions must be ideal for me. After all, I give head for my own personal joy, and as much as the guy might be enjoying it, I give fellatio primarily for my pleasure based on my desire to give and not anyone’s desire to receive. Yes, selfish, I know

As much as I love it, giving head is very special to me.

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Consider something you love, no matter what it is because we tend to believe sex is different when really it’s not. We’ve been duped into believing it can somehow become lesser through our actions which is a total myth. It is just as sacred and as coveted as anything else we love or care for deeply, no matter how one might present it; prude, slut, or anything in between.

Any way, whatever it is that you love, you might also love to share it with others. Perhaps having the opportunity to share what you love expounds upon that love which makes it even more enjoyable. You love camping; You don’t camp all the time; you don’t camp just anywhere; you only enjoy camping with others who enjoy camping for the same reasons you do.

Well, I don’t share my love of giving head with everyone in that very same way. I believe this assumption has much to do with misogyny being ingrained. Something we desperately need to overcome as Isabelle talks about in Can We Overcome Misogyny.

You can learn a lot more about misogyny and how to spot it from Ani at The Story of A.

An Act of Endearment

On a large scale, sex and this includes oral sex has become hugely objectified; reduced to a simple act of physical pleasure and nothing more. I choose not to share something I enjoy endearingly on such a shallow premise.

During sex, I’ve had a guy ask me whether I enjoy giving head in which case I simply answer yes or no. Yet, I’d never before even uttered the sentence, I love giving head. I prefer to answer under individual circumstances. If I’ve learned nothing from reading Emily Nagoski’s Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life, it’s that context is everything when it comes to sexual preferences; the things that make you go and things that make you stop.

That way, it is never assumed that sucking your dick is automatic. FRIES remember FRIES. Just because I love giving head does not necessarily mean I love giving you head or that I even want to or that just cause I’m in the mood for intercourse, means I’m also in the mood to give (or receive oral sex) because sometimes, that is just not the case. Just because one loves to do a thing does not mean they want to do it at every opportunity placed before them. That is also a myth. You know what they say about too much of a good thing.

Thank you all for tuning in to today’s post in The Joys of Fellatio blog series. Tomorrow’s post is all about Learning the Ropes in which I talk about the very first time I performed oral sex on a guy and the things I learned from that experience. Please remember to subscribe.

This post contains an affiliate link to the book Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life. Thanks for reading!

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I Love Giving Head

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Welcome to The Joys of Fellatio blog series Day One: I Love Giving Head. Yesterday, I posted a brief Introduction which includes an index of sorts on what would be covered over the next few day of this delicious blog series that I had so much fun writing and I hope you will enjoy reading it just as much.

I Love Giving Head

I love giving head. Let me rewind a bit… I love penis. And I don’t only mean in a manner of sexual pleasure. I love the way it looks circumcised or uncircumcised. I love the shape of it; the way it feels; the way it changes shape growing in my hand as I stroke it slowly. I like the way it comes in various shapes and sizes; the way my hand fits more around some than it does around others, or how some require two hands to cover from base to tip; others one and a half and others only one. Not only their design, I love their purpose and the way the purpose and design have the ability to combine so eloquently to induce succulent two-way pleasure, resulting in a symphony of orgasm.

Nevermind that after such a session of admiration, said penis almost always inevitably ends up in my mouth. However, that is usually not my goal. Even so, this adds to my joy as I compare the feel of the penis cupped in my hand (or gripped inside my vagina) to the way it feels as it slides slowly between my lips and across my tongue to graze the back of my throat.

Will You Play with Me?

When I was a young teen I knew a boy. He’d let me play with his penis. We didn’t particularly have any romantic involvement per se. We were friends. He lived nearby. It was a match of convenience more than anything. Of course, there are no coincidences in life.

I loved playing with his penis and he willingly allowed me to satiate my curiosity requiring nothing from me. I recall that he thought I was the weirdest girl, but he’d let me do it anyway with no expectation of sex.

I’d touch and stroke his penis sometimes so focused on every little detail of it, and other times I’d just daydream without intention. I’d stroke him until semen erupted from his shaft out of the head of his penis and flow slowly down the back of my hand. I’d watch in pure fascination, as his penis returned to its original flaccid state. In many ways, it was more of an enlightening experience of intimacy than a sexual one.

I later learned it is called a hand job.

He’d ask me if it bothered me to have “cum” on my hand. I’d tell him not at all then I’d ask him, why.  He’d told me some girls would respond with “Ewww, what’s that” or some other kind of yuck reaction.

We did eventually make our sexual debut together. I asked him, mostly from a place of comfort and curiosity. As I mentioned before, we weren’t romantically involved. The first time we ever kissed was the day we met up for our planned sexual debut. I remember thinking, I didn’t realize he was so much taller than me. I’m sure I’ll get around to telling you all about it in another post.

The Flip Side of the Coin

Even when one loves giving head, there is so much in this world of patriarchy and misogyny designed to take that away, leaving one to feel dirty and subpar. Things like slut-shaming and public degradation; too often I’ve seen guys expose a girl in an attempt to devalue her for doing something she enjoys. Then there are the most heinous stories of the unwarranted act of being forced to perform fellatio which could possibly strip one of all joy and satisfaction they may have gotten from it before. It’s time to end that and as Nell puts it, turn the walk of shame into the stride of pride.

Fortunately, this is not a part of my story.

Tomorrow’s post, Words Unspoken, will talk more about the thing of patriarchy and such that makes one reluctant to announce to others that he or she loves to give head. It’s the same reason that body count is such an issue when it shouldn’t be as Teena explains in her article, How Many Sexual Partners Have You Had. You definitely do not want to miss it. My best advice; subscribe, subscribe.

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The Joys of Fellatio Blog Series

Do you love giving blow jobs? I certainly do, and over the next seven days (including this one) I would like to take you all on a journey through the conception, birth, growth and development of my pleasures in giving head in this Joys of Fellatio blog series.

As with other things I publish here on my blog, my goal is that those reading will learn something new and insightful from my personal experience with oral sex and quite possibly awaken some new desire within themselves.

We’ll, soon dive deep into the wonders and pitfalls of genuinely enjoying fellatio but first, this brief introduction:

What is fellatio?

Here’s a definition for fellatio I found on sex-lexis.com which includes a fun fact as well:

stimulation of the penis with the lips , tongue and mouth by a male or female partner for sexual pleasure or for orgasmand ejaculation . A distinction, now obsolete, was once made in Latin and old English between fellatio and irrumatio depending on who was actively moving: irrumatio meant to thrust the penis into the partner’s mouth , fellatio meant to move the head and mouth up-and-down around the penis . This distinction has vanished in modern English and the word irrumation has almost completely fallen out of use.

To get better aquainted with fellatio and oral sex in general, check out this brief video by Life Sexual.

“Men love receiving oral sex because they are able to just lie back and enjoy without any performance anxiety. They can watch, too, and since they are the stars of the show, it’s a better turn-on than any porno flick. Women get their own sense of pleasure from fellatio. “I feel powerful when I give a blow joy,” one of my colleagues told me. “At no other time do I feel such complete control of my partner’s pleasure.” She shares the sentiments of many other women who like the feeling of power they get from having his most prized possession between their lips. Some women find it very arousing to watch their partners enjoy their oral mastery.”

What Your Mother Never Told You About Sex by Hilda Hutcherson, M.D.

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What’s in it for me?

When it comes to sex in general, I am a giver but not right off the bat. Very little dejects me more than a selfish lover; one who does not realize the maximum potential of their own pleasure is directly linked to mine. Essentially, the more you give to me the better it turns out for you.

Other than that, it is just as the quote mentions above, I derive great power from being in complete control of my partner’s pleasure. I love praise kink. I want to hear my lover moan and tell me what a good job I’m going. This point is made even clearer from the male perspective as Modern Mandingo recounts his own joys of receiving amazing fellatio.
Fun Fact about me: I like it slow. I like it sensual. I like it sloppy, but no, I do not swallow.

In the upcoming days here’s a summary of the things we will cover in this blog series: The Joys of Fellatio.

Day One: I Love Giving Head is a brief history of my acquaintance with the penis and how my love for it was born. Which may be surprising for some, because there are certain things that black women just don’t do, Six according to Kiarra at Blackgirlsvibe, and giving head is one of them.

Day Two: In Words Unspoken, I talk about how difficult it is to have a conversation with a mouth full of penis. I’m only joking. Actually it talks about the reason why I had never before said the words, “I Love Giving Head,” out loud.

Day Three: Learning the Ropes is about the first time I ever performed fellatio and how I learned to do what I enjoy and enjoy what I do.

Day Four: The Anatomy of Passion talks about how my desires to give fellatio evolved into an obsession of sorts and then into a passion which eventually resulted in uninhibited joy once I allowed myself to openly explore it.

Day Five: On the last day of the blog series, I will offer Seven Ways to Discover The Joys of Fellatio. Bare in mind that all women are different, but if you know your lady then you know whether any of these suggestions might work for you. It might even teach you that you have a lot more to learn about her.

Finally, I will end the series with a smooth Conclusion: The Joys of Fellatio that will be greatly influenced by the feedback I receive throughout the series along the way. So be sure to leave comments and share the posts with your tribe because I definitely would like to know your thoughts.

Enjoy!

This post contains an affiliate link to the book,What Your Mother Never Told You About Sex through which I will receive a small commission if purchased. So I’d like to thank those who do.

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9 Tips for Her Better Oral Pleasure

Did you know that many women cannot reach orgasm without clitoral stimulation? That being what it is, I am always surprised when I come across a guy who has never performed oral sex on a woman or who is really bad at it (even when he think he’s good). The disappointment is riveting.

Once when I was in college, I was a judge in a pie eating contest, and I’m not talking pies you bake in the oven. A couple of friends, a few of us girls knew, wanted to know who was better at eating yoni, and they asked us if we’d be the judge. I was down 100%.

red-current-pie-1321766-640x480All the girls undressed from our waist down, kinda like you do when you’re getting a pap but without the gowns. Then, we laid horizontally across the bed, legs spread, as we waited for the competition to begin. The guys each performed oral sex on two different girls for about three minutes (or until she came) but no one was really keeping time. When they were done, they’d switch to a different set of girls.

No one came. Just to get that out of the way.

Even so, there was clearly a winner. When the guys asked us who was the better muffin muncher, I was surprised that the girls eagerly revealed who did it best, but they were reluctant to tell them that they were both horrible. As the winner did his victory dance, in my mind, I could not just watch on as he celebrated a failed performance. That’s when I had to speak up and to let them know, neither of them were very good at eating pie. When I said that, all the other girls begin chiming in. Every girl agreed; they were way to rough and aggressive, and they also lacked rhythm.

How did the guys react? They wanted to know why. They wanted to know what they were or weren’t doing correctly. They also wanted to know how to do it better. The winner even asked me for private lessons *wink* *wink* to which I enthusiastically agreed because I already had a little crush on him anyway.

He and I ended up having numerous sessions that resulted in more than just oral instruction as one could imagine. Needless to say, we both learned a lot.

Now, I’d like to share a few things I’ve taught (and learned) about how to be HER
better pie EATER. As a bisexual woman, I have quality experience in this area. So take heed.

Let’s start with five common issues (that I’ve encountered) in giving great oral orgasms.

Ask her what she likes.

Every girl has the same parts however, every girl varies in what she likes and how she likes it. What worked for the last might not work for the next. When in doubt, ask. Even if you aren’t in doubt, ask. Don’t take it personally if you don’t know. It is ok as long as you express a willingness and desire to learn.

I’m never turned off by someone who doesn’t know how to do it for me. I am turned off by someone who doesn’t listen to the direction I give on how to make it better for me. Ego and selfishness have no place in the bedroom.

In reference to the advice given above, she may not know.

I don’t know anyone who’s gotten it perfectly right the first time. Not even me. And before someone got it right, I didn’t really know what right was. Don’t be surprised if a woman doesn’t know how she likes it because for every man who has never done it he must have been having sex with a woman he wasn’t doing it with. Same goes for the ones who aren’t good at it. Here’s your opportunity to teach her what she likes and learn something new in the process. My best advice for this process is to be patient. It’s worth it. The skills you’ll gain are priceless.

You’re doing it too hard.

The clitoris is the most sensitive sex organ on the female anatomy with about 8,000 nerve endings. It has been called the “powerhouse of pleasure”. The best advice I can give is to be gentle. When you do it too rough and too hard, it can be painful or uncomfortable, the sensitivity in the clitoris can decrease significantly and it can become numb for a while. Reaching orgasm is unlikely at this point.

Rhythm is not restricted to the dance floor.

The dance floor isn’t the only place you need to have rhythm. If she’s getting you to move around it doesn’t necessarily means she wants you to be all over the place (although she might) but more than likely it means you haven’t found the right spot. Because if you had, I guarantee she’d be saying “Right there, right there, right there”, instead of wiggling her hips to get you to the right place. Pay attention to her body language if things are a bit jerky and jumpy instead of rhythmic and smooth, you might not be doing so hot.

Killing me softly.

What? Yes! Sometimes when a girl pushes your face into her vulva, she’s trying to get you use a little more pressure. I call it the sloppy tongue. Sloppy tongue can mean sloppy technique. You don’t eat yoni with the same tongue you use to lick those rainbow colored, flat and round lollipops. Being licked like a lollipop might sound good, but you need a firm yet gentle tongue to do it best. Your goal is pinpoint accuracy, not maximum surface area as it would be with the lollipop.

article-2184433-1468CF8F000005DC-439_634x487

Good cunnilingus consists of two main things finding the right spot and using the right tongue, which varies according to the lady.

When I met my ex-boyfriend he had not yet made his sexual debut. I was the first woman he’d ever been with and he gave me a whole spiel about how he doesn’t eat pussy, he never will, and that I shouldn’t ask him to do it because he thought it was the most disgusting thing ever. Then he added that he wouldn’t ask me to do oral for him either.

At this point, I had only ever had clitoral orgasms, except for that one time I had a vaginal orgasm by accident (don’t worry, I’ve had many since then). Any who my point is, I ended up teaching him how to do clitoral stimulation without oral. I did an amazing job *toot* *toot*. I later learned, by comparison, that he was also a very good student.

Eventually, he changed his mind about performing oral. I knew he would. I just needed to let him come around on his own time; No pressure. Of course, he had no clue what he was doing and there was very little light to see. I kept saying, “Move up, too high, move over, no the other way.”

Annoyed, he got out of the bed, flicked on the light, and opened my labia. Looking into my vulva, he took his right index finger and asked, “Where? Here?” as he touched the area around my clitoris. It is by far the sexiest thing a man has done to me to this very day.

Here are five things I learned from that intimate experience with my ex.

Turn on the lights. Do I really need to say this? Yes, it’s 2017 and people are very much still having sex in the dark. Trust me, I get it but you need to have some light: mood lighting, spot lighting, some low lighting or something. Imagine walking through a dark house that you’ve never been in before. You’re gonna bump into a lot of stuff and it’s not going to be good. Lights are your friend.

The gynecologist will see you now. Role playing is so much fun and a great way to get to know a woman anatomically. How can you master that which you do not know? You can’t! Grab a diagram of the external female anatomy. Learn the names (because names give things identity) and locate the parts identified in the diagram on her actual vulva (because identity gives things significance). You can grab this vagina-gram I create which includes two fun games that you and your partner can play. Remember, women are important. #WomensOrgasmsMatter

Touch her. Inspect, analyze, admire, worship, and give thanks to the yoni. Whatever you do at the very least, look at her. I can’t count the number of times a person has just dove, head first, into my vulva. Do you even know what you’re diving into? You know that IS important, right?

Try everything. Don’t only rely on your tongue and don’t always stick to a licking motion. Use your lips. Use your fingers. Use toys. Suck and kiss her, gently. Tease her. Try not to dive in so quickly. Inner thigh, mons pubis, closed outer labia are a great place to start a good tease. So close yet not quite there. Seriously, try it all and if you want to use toys, food, or anything else that isn’t your fingers or mouth, get her consent.

Think, fast or slow, long or short strokes, horizontal, vertical, or circular motions, more or less pressure, stiff or relaxed tongue, with or without fingers, alternate between each. Textures, patterns, speed, and consistency all affect the feel. Create a vibration by moaning into her yoni as you kiss and lick.

I cannot overstate how necessary it is to have an entire Q & A when it comes to oral sex. Ask her where. Ask her to show you where. Ask her to put your finger there. Ladies, if you feel comfortable, gently, let him know how he can do it better.

Sometimes achieving great oral sex isn’t as easy as show and tell. Working with someone who might be selfish, egoistic, isn’t a good listener, or is really bad at taking directions can be quite frustrating and bad for oral business.

In the past, when I’ve encountered these issues, depending on how invested I am in the relationship, I’ve expressed to my partner how important this is for me and why. Usually, after such a conversation things do change and they may revert back to the old ways for whatever reason. I hope all these things are as helpful to you on your journey to a better oral sex life as they have been to mine.

If you enjoyed reading this or you know someone who could benefit from reading it, please share this post.

Comment below or email me and let me know if any of these work for you. And finally, ladies, let me know how you like it when it comes to oral sex. We’ve been silenced for too long. We’re long overdue for speaking more openly about better oral sex.

#bettersexbetterworld
#womensorgasmsmatter

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