Did you know that many women cannot reach orgasm without clitoral stimulation? That being what it is, I am always surprised when I come across a guy who has never performed oral sex on a woman or who is really bad at it (even when he think he’s good). The disappointment is riveting.
Once when I was in college, I was a judge in a pie eating contest, and I’m not talking pies you bake in the oven. A couple of friends, a few of us girls knew, wanted to know who was better at eating yoni, and they asked us if we’d be the judge. I was down 100%.
All the girls undressed from our waist down, kinda like you do when you’re getting a pap but without the gowns. Then, we laid horizontally across the bed, legs spread, as we waited for the competition to begin. The guys each performed oral sex on two different girls for about three minutes (or until she came) but no one was really keeping time. When they were done, they’d switch to a different set of girls.
No one came. Just to get that out of the way.
Even so, there was clearly a winner. When the guys asked us who was the better muffin muncher, I was surprised that the girls eagerly revealed who did it best, but they were reluctant to tell them that they were both horrible. As the winner did his victory dance, in my mind, I could not just watch on as he celebrated a failed performance. That’s when I had to speak up and to let them know, neither of them were very good at eating pie. When I said that, all the other girls begin chiming in. Every girl agreed; they were way to rough and aggressive, and they also lacked rhythm.
How did the guys react? They wanted to know why. They wanted to know what they were or weren’t doing correctly. They also wanted to know how to do it better. The winner even asked me for private lessons *wink* *wink* to which I enthusiastically agreed because I already had a little crush on him anyway.
He and I ended up having numerous sessions that resulted in more than just oral instruction as one could imagine. Needless to say, we both learned a lot.
Now, I’d like to share a few things I’ve taught (and learned) about how to be HER
better pie EATER. As a bisexual woman, I have quality experience in this area. So take heed.
Let’s start with five common issues (that I’ve encountered) in giving great oral orgasms.
Ask her what she likes.
Every girl has the same parts however, every girl varies in what she likes and how she likes it. What worked for the last might not work for the next. When in doubt, ask. Even if you aren’t in doubt, ask. Don’t take it personally if you don’t know. It is ok as long as you express a willingness and desire to learn.
I’m never turned off by someone who doesn’t know how to do it for me. I am turned off by someone who doesn’t listen to the direction I give on how to make it better for me. Ego and selfishness have no place in the bedroom.
In reference to the advice given above, she may not know.
I don’t know anyone who’s gotten it perfectly right the first time. Not even me. And before someone got it right, I didn’t really know what right was. Don’t be surprised if a woman doesn’t know how she likes it because for every man who has never done it he must have been having sex with a woman he wasn’t doing it with. Same goes for the ones who aren’t good at it. Here’s your opportunity to teach her what she likes and learn something new in the process. My best advice for this process is to be patient. It’s worth it. The skills you’ll gain are priceless.
You’re doing it too hard.
The clitoris is the most sensitive sex organ on the female anatomy with about 8,000 nerve endings. It has been called the “powerhouse of pleasure”. The best advice I can give is to be gentle. When you do it too rough and too hard, it can be painful or uncomfortable, the sensitivity in the clitoris can decrease significantly and it can become numb for a while. Reaching orgasm is unlikely at this point.
Rhythm is not restricted to the dance floor.
The dance floor isn’t the only place you need to have rhythm. If she’s getting you to move around it doesn’t necessarily means she wants you to be all over the place (although she might) but more than likely it means you haven’t found the right spot. Because if you had, I guarantee she’d be saying “Right there, right there, right there”, instead of wiggling her hips to get you to the right place. Pay attention to her body language if things are a bit jerky and jumpy instead of rhythmic and smooth, you might not be doing so hot.
Killing me softly.
What? Yes! Sometimes when a girl pushes your face into her vulva, she’s trying to get you use a little more pressure. I call it the sloppy tongue. Sloppy tongue can mean sloppy technique. You don’t eat yoni with the same tongue you use to lick those rainbow colored, flat and round lollipops. Being licked like a lollipop might sound good, but you need a firm yet gentle tongue to do it best. Your goal is pinpoint accuracy, not maximum surface area as it would be with the lollipop.
Good cunnilingus consists of two main things finding the right spot and using the right tongue, which varies according to the lady.
When I met my ex-boyfriend he had not yet made his sexual debut. I was the first woman he’d ever been with and he gave me a whole spiel about how he doesn’t eat pussy, he never will, and that I shouldn’t ask him to do it because he thought it was the most disgusting thing ever. Then he added that he wouldn’t ask me to do oral for him either.
At this point, I had only ever had clitoral orgasms, except for that one time I had a vaginal orgasm by accident (don’t worry, I’ve had many since then). Any who my point is, I ended up teaching him how to do clitoral stimulation without oral. I did an amazing job *toot* *toot*. I later learned, by comparison, that he was also a very good student.
Eventually, he changed his mind about performing oral. I knew he would. I just needed to let him come around on his own time; No pressure. Of course, he had no clue what he was doing and there was very little light to see. I kept saying, “Move up, too high, move over, no the other way.”
Annoyed, he got out of the bed, flicked on the light, and opened my labia. Looking into my vulva, he took his right index finger and asked, “Where? Here?” as he touched the area around my clitoris. It is by far the sexiest thing a man has done to me to this very day.
Here are five things I learned from that intimate experience with my ex.
Turn on the lights. Do I really need to say this? Yes, it’s 2017 and people are very much still having sex in the dark. Trust me, I get it but you need to have some light: mood lighting, spot lighting, some low lighting or something. Imagine walking through a dark house that you’ve never been in before. You’re gonna bump into a lot of stuff and it’s not going to be good. Lights are your friend.
The gynecologist will see you now. Role playing is so much fun and a great way to get to know a woman anatomically. How can you master that which you do not know? You can’t! Grab a diagram of the external female anatomy. Learn the names (because names give things identity) and locate the parts identified in the diagram on her actual vulva (because identity gives things significance). You can grab this vagina-gram I create which includes two fun games that you and your partner can play. Remember, women are important. #WomensOrgasmsMatter
Touch her. Inspect, analyze, admire, worship, and give thanks to the yoni. Whatever you do at the very least, look at her. I can’t count the number of times a person has just dove, head first, into my vulva. Do you even know what you’re diving into? You know that IS important, right?
Try everything. Don’t only rely on your tongue and don’t always stick to a licking motion. Use your lips. Use your fingers. Use toys. Suck and kiss her, gently. Tease her. Try not to dive in so quickly. Inner thigh, mons pubis, closed outer labia are a great place to start a good tease. So close yet not quite there. Seriously, try it all and if you want to use toys, food, or anything else that isn’t your fingers or mouth, get her consent.
Think, fast or slow, long or short strokes, horizontal, vertical, or circular motions, more or less pressure, stiff or relaxed tongue, with or without fingers, alternate between each. Textures, patterns, speed, and consistency all affect the feel. Create a vibration by moaning into her yoni as you kiss and lick.
I cannot overstate how necessary it is to have an entire Q & A when it comes to oral sex. Ask her where. Ask her to show you where. Ask her to put your finger there. Ladies, if you feel comfortable, gently, let him know how he can do it better.
Sometimes achieving great oral sex isn’t as easy as show and tell. Working with someone who might be selfish, egoistic, isn’t a good listener, or is really bad at taking directions can be quite frustrating and bad for oral business.
In the past, when I’ve encountered these issues, depending on how invested I am in the relationship, I’ve expressed to my partner how important this is for me and why. Usually, after such a conversation things do change and they may revert back to the old ways for whatever reason. I hope all these things are as helpful to you on your journey to a better oral sex life as they have been to mine.
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Comment below or email me and let me know if any of these work for you. And finally, ladies, let me know how you like it when it comes to oral sex. We’ve been silenced for too long. We’re long overdue for speaking more openly about better oral sex.