When you’re into sex the way I am, you’re constantly looking for new way to make the experience better. Sometimes it happens intentionally and other times by accident. And when it happens by accident, I feel like “Whoa, how did that happen?” Then I go to retrace those steps.
Intentionally putting myself into spaces that have taught me all the ways to cultivate better sex, it’s no surprise that I have done just that. For most of these things on the list, I did not go into them thinking that I would level up on my sex life. I either thought they seemed interesting and fun…like the sex checklist or they were things I did in the name of self-care and better sexual experiences turned out to be a bonus.
Below are 6 ways I significantly improved my relationship with myself, my romantic relationships, and inevitably, my sex life.
Working with a Sex Checklist
A sex checklist is such a liberating tool. There are several ways to work with a sex checklist. They can…
- Help you talk to your partner about sex.
- Teach your partner what you enjoy and experiences you are interested in having
- Help you discover new interests
- Help you explore ideas for new sexual experiences
- Checklist can even help you create sex goals.
I mostly use it for the last reason, however when I first discovered them I used it for each of these things. A checklist really helped to guide me in exploring myself. Now, I recommend sex checklists to all of my Beloveds. How you doing, Beloved?
Here are some that you can check out. Bex Talks Sex has a really good one, but their site is down right now so…check again soon.
Here are some good lists:
- This list is specifically for BDSM: https://badgirlsbible.com/bdsm-checklist
- Scarlet Teen- Scroll to the bottom: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/yes_no_maybe_so_a_sexual_inventory_stocklist
Creating Sex Goals
Setting sex goals or pleasure goals have helped me establish a path and practice to manifest safe sexual experiences that I have thoroughly enjoyed. Pleasure goals can include things other than sex just not for this post.
S.P.A.R.T. goals (as I like to call them) are a great way to set your sex goals. They are just like S.M.A.R.T. goals with a twist . The “P” is for Pleasure!
SPART sex goals are best when they are specific, when they are pleasurable, actionable, relevant, and time-based.
After going over my completed sex checklist and deciding on new things I might be interested in trying, my SPART goals have to include details that tell what I want to experience. It has to be something I find pleasurable. I like to consider what it takes to make it a safe, affirming, and pleasurable experience. Then, I write down actions I can take to achieve that experience.
My sex goals have to be relevant to me. Meaning not something I want to do just because my partner wants to or something like that. Finally, I decide when I would like things to go down. I plan it to command it!
Joining communities and spaces that are sex positive safe spaces
I learned about safe spaces when I went to my first sex conference, Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit. At the same time, I was experiencing how valuable these spaces are for exploring your sexuality. Questions were being answered that I never knew I had. I learned things I didn’t even know I needed to learn. I felt things that I was always meant to feel.
Pleasure is my birth right!
I’ve found these sex positive communities on Facebook, on Twitter, on Reddit and other social platforms. I love these spaces because they affirm you. They provide access to information and individuals you likely wouldn’t come in contact with under everyday circumstances. They provide a sense of belonging where folks are happy to educate through their depth and breadth of knowledge on human sexuality.
Book a consultation with a Black Sexed Professional today! Need help finding them. Here are a few.
30 day orgasm challenge
I learned about this little gem of a challenge during my trip to London’s Eroticon.
This challenge was started by Tabitha whom I met at Eroticon and fell in love with her vibrant personality.
Having daily orgasms everyday for thirty days taught me much about my body. I learned the truth of whether you could lose sensation due to over stimulating your vulva using sex toys. And you can know the truth, too.
I wrote this article about all of the pleasure and changes I felt in my body during the challenge. You really have to read it!
Becoming an authority on sex and sensuality
Start a WordPress blog. Start a YouTube channel. Start a podcast on Anchor. Share your experiences.
This is how I became an authority in sexuality and erotic healing. In starting my blog and sharing my personal experience, I have learned things about sex that I didn’t know before. I researched topics that I wanted to write about and I created plans for achieving my sex goals. I then shared this knowledge with my audience online. They began to ask questions that required more research.
- I’ve taken workshops.
- I’ve read books.
- I’ve co-written a book.
- I’ve attended webinars and parties.
- I’ve watched documentaries and educational videos.
- I’ve studied porn.
- I’ve had conversations with people.
- I have been experimenting with sexuality and pleasure personally.
All of these things have informed me around sex, erotic healing, and erotic activism.
Yes! I have educated myself around sexuality and I am incredibly proud of the knowledge I possess.
Studying sex with a creative purpose has been a productive way to become an authority on the subject.
I don’t have to know everything to know my shit. And if I don’t know, I have made so many connections in the world of sexual activism that I can point you in the direction of a Black woman who can help you level up your sex life.
Learning How to Navigate Boundaries and Innerstanding Consent
Consent is a magical thing that instantly creates an atmosphere of trust, support, and safety.
Setting boundaries has made me more self-aware and taught me to respond in a way that is best for me…my biological health, my mental well-being, and spiritual well-being have each benefited. Let me tell you that sex feels good in my soul whenever I feel like I’m with a person that values my mental well-being of knowing I can safely explore my sexual curiosities.
Innerstanding is a word I use to prompt folks to reflect on how they would feel or have felt when someone has done something to them without obtaining consent first.
Sometimes I feel undermined like someone has taken away my right to choose and my opportunity to provide a response.
I personally believe we hold so much trauma around boundaries and consent that it oftentimes comes out as aggression or anxiety or any number of ways other than clear communication and affirmation. This is something I’ve mostly observed within myself.
Society is filled with culturally embedded violations of consent and bodily autonomy that are triggering for me and makes me feel uneasy when dealing with folks who want to engage with me sexually (mostly men). Learning to communicate this to my partners has made me more comfortable and more confident around my sexual desires.
For me, getting a deep innerstanding of boundaries and understanding what conditions need to be met when obtaining consent are absolute essentials. Angel of Professor Sex has an awesome acronym that’s very helpful.
- I = Informed
- M = Moment-to-Moment
- S = Specific
- A = Awake and Aware
- F = Freely Given
- E = Enthusiastic
I’ve found learning to set boundaries to be empowering and it gives me the confidence to create the experiences I deserve; not waiting on the approval or permission of others.
Instant level up to my sex life!