Currently, I am mourning the dissolution of my relationship. Several of them actually. Three to be exact. Particularly, I am thankful that I was able to walk away from my nested relationship easily and amicably. The last time I did that things got rather vicious and ugly. It took me years to recover and I didn’t want that to happen again. In truth, I was experiencing a lot of fear around exactly that which is why I hadn’t walked away sooner.
I’d known for months that I would leave. I just had to get past that fear of a past, highly traumatic experience that I am absolutely still healing.
I spent some time in Mississippi with my family and now I’m in Jamaica for two month trying to get to know someone new…like new, new. And I’m finding it rather difficult because I am still mourning each of those relationships for very similar reasons.
Folks are telling me not to be down about it because this was meant to happen to make space for more honest, transparent, and supportive relationships. While I know that is true, grief happens and it’s not a thing that you can just wish away. It’s called the cycle of grief for a reason. You just go through it to get past it. I’m somewhere around stage 4 according to this Conquer Your Grief article; I’m getting there. I am in a familiar place and I know that it ends. I also know that nothing is going to rush it along.
In with the new
With the new folks that are in my life, it’s difficult not to feel like they are pulling at my energy. Well, actually they are…not with any harmful intentions. They want to get to know me and I’m not in that space right now. Even though I’ve said that I am. I’m seeing now that I’m not. I’m enjoying getting to know new potential, and it has been helpful in getting through. Also, I feel drained by it. I want to continue to get to know new potential and also, I need to spend lots of time alone. I realize it sends mixed signals, but I’m not nearly ready to open up about it.
I’m still quite sad about the way I was being treated and feel triggered when I have any reminders of that. I’m doing my best not to take things personally, especially because this Mercury retrograde doesn’t end until February 21st.
Hard and worthy decisions
Because of this situation, I chose to let my children stay with their grandparents for the next couple of months while I’m recovering here in Jamaica. I felt it was the safest and best option for them and me. I miss them so much I could cry, because I absolutely didn’t plan for this and I absolutely didn’t want this. I wanted so much to feel resentment toward my former partner, but also I was just too relieved to put any energy towards that. What would it prove? Seems like a waste to me.
If any place I’d choose to be and any persons I’d choose to be with in this world, it is certainly with my children.
I plan to do my very best to make the most of this time in Montego Bay, Jamaica. I’m still considering what that might require (besides more funds $TheQu33nVictoria). Lately, I’ve just been exhausted and sleeping a lot. Processing…I’m good with that. I enjoy sleep and I also enjoy my solitude. I have to figure out how to maintain that solitude while I’m here as it has become incredibly sacred to me having shared a space with my nested partner for the past few months.
Valentine’s day is coming up. I sent my babies lots of gifts. They are my Valentine’s.
In the time at hand, check out my latest YouTube creations. Enjoy!