I am polyamourous. I fall in love often and mostly this love exists under certain conditions. Falling in love unconditionally is me in my rarest form.
The last time I was unconditionally in love with someone was before my children were born. Although that love carried through into the first two years of my daughter’s life, she didn’t really get to witness that because that love was not for her father, whom I was with at the time.
I need my children to see me in love.
I never saw my mother in love. I heard stories. I read letters. I saw pictures of a high school sweetheart and weekend getaways, my mother in rare form. I saw the joy in her face as she stare at the ring on her finger, the devastation in her voice when she realized she’d lost it, her tears and anger as she grieved the loss…of the relationship. The regret of not following her heart. I’d often wonder where it all originated.
In those times I didn’t understand that this is love.
She never explained to us that she was in love…it was just something we had to assume if we knew any better. I didn’t see her being affectionately cared for, kissed, and held. I never heard anyone say to her, “I love you, Dianne.” For some odd reason, someone somewhere thought this might be more damaging than helpful for children of single parentage.
It seems as though the idea was to hold motherhood separate from such acts particularly if you are not married to the object of your affection. My mother had never been married.
I’m so in love
I’ve written about Mike many times throughout my blog. There is no question about it. I am in love with this man…this person. We met five years ago. In that time we’ve spent many fleeting moments together. We’ve shared passion in passing. I’ve often found myself questioning the validity of it since it doesn’t quite look the way I’ve been taught that it should. I recognize it only by the way it feels…by the way this feels. By the way I recall my mother feeling. I finally know what it looks like for me.
I love that he loves me exactly where I am. We don’t have to go over all the technicalities of gender roles and such. He understands that I exist way outside of those parameters.
Recently, this man I’ve known and shared this connection with for the last five years was granted the honor of meeting my children for the first time. This is not the first time my children have met someone that I’m involved with, however it is the first time they’ve met someone I am in love with. Someone with whom I interact with differently…more affectionately.
My children are the primary objects of my affection…and my cat. They get all the hugs and love and kisses. Mike doesn’t know this truth though because I shower him with the same loving affection. Yep, I’m so in love.
My children deserve to see me in love.
On the day they were set to meet him, I prepped them first. Yes, I did. My children have never seen me in love. They don’t know what that looks like and I wanted them to be clear so they wouldn’t have to make assumptions the way I did as a child.
When I sat them down, it was brief. I told them today they would meet Mike. I let them know that today, they would bear witness to what mommy looks like expressing romantic love. I let them know that they would be catching all the love vibes and why it was such an awesome thing to witness. Finally, I asked them if they were ok with that and not to my surprise, they consented to seeing their mommy in love. I would have done the same.
We spent the evening on the beach me, Mike, and the kids. We talked to them more about our relationship, how we met, and other things. I talked with Mike about my relationship with my children and the values that I’m cultivating with them. All of these things are important to me. My children got to witness that the way I express my love for Mike is not very different than the way I express love to them.
This love is infinite even if my relationship with Mike is not. I’m not concerned with its end. I’m concerned with what it is and more than anything it is NOW. And if you know like I know, now is the only time that matters. It is an energy that my children will reference whether consciously or subconsciously for a lifetime. They will measure their own love by this energy and that is a good thing because this…this love is great. It is all those things that l read that love should be in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.