Love & Relationships,  Parenting,  Romance & Intimacy

Why I need my children to see me in love

I am polyamourous. I fall in love often and mostly this love exists under certain conditions. Falling in love unconditionally is me in my rarest form.

The last time I was unconditionally in love with someone was before my children were born. Although that love carried through into the first two years of my daughter’s life, she didn’t really get to witness that because that love was not for her father, whom I was with at the time.

I need my children to see me in love.

I never saw my mother in love. I heard stories. I read letters. I saw pictures of a high school sweetheart and weekend getaways, my mother in rare form. I saw the joy in her face as she stare at the ring on her finger, the devastation in her voice when she realized she’d lost it, her tears and anger as she grieved the loss…of the relationship. The regret of not following her heart. I’d often wonder where it all originated.

In those times I didn’t understand that this is love.

She never explained to us that she was in love…it was just something we had to assume if we knew any better. I didn’t see her being affectionately cared for, kissed, and held. I never heard anyone say to her, “I love you, Dianne.” For some odd reason, someone somewhere thought this might be more damaging than helpful for children of single parentage.

It seems as though the idea was to hold motherhood separate from such acts particularly if you are not married to the object of your affection. My mother had never been married.

Why I Need My Children to See Me in Love as a Black Single Mother; Black Love and Romance

I’m so in love

I’ve written about Mike many times throughout my blog. There is no question about it. I am in love with this man…this person. We met five years ago. In that time we’ve spent many fleeting moments together. We’ve shared passion in passing. I’ve often found myself questioning the validity of it since it doesn’t quite look the way I’ve been taught that it should. I recognize it only by the way it feels…by the way this feels. By the way I recall my mother feeling. I finally know what it looks like for me.

I love that he loves me exactly where I am. We don’t have to go over all the technicalities of gender roles and such. He understands that I exist way outside of those parameters.

Recently, this man I’ve known and shared this connection with for the last five years was granted the honor of meeting my children for the first time. This is not the first time my children have met someone that I’m involved with, however it is the first time they’ve met someone I am in love with. Someone with whom I interact with differently…more affectionately.

My children are the primary objects of my affection…and my cat. They get all the hugs and love and kisses. Mike doesn’t know this truth though because I shower him with the same loving affection. Yep, I’m so in love.

My children deserve to see me in love.

On the day they were set to meet him, I prepped them first. Yes, I did. My children have never seen me in love. They don’t know what that looks like and I wanted them to be clear so they wouldn’t have to make assumptions the way I did as a child.

When I sat them down, it was brief. I told them today they would meet Mike. I let them know that today, they would bear witness to what mommy looks like expressing romantic love. I let them know that they would be catching all the love vibes and why it was such an awesome thing to witness. Finally, I asked them if they were ok with that and not to my surprise, they consented to seeing their mommy in love. I would have done the same.

We spent the evening on the beach me, Mike, and the kids. We talked to them more about our relationship, how we met, and other things. I talked with Mike about my relationship with my children and the values that I’m cultivating with them. All of these things are important to me. My children got to witness that the way I express my love for Mike is not very different than the way I express love to them.

This love is infinite even if my relationship with Mike is not. I’m not concerned with its end. I’m concerned with what it is and more than anything it is NOW. And if you know like I know, now is the only time that matters. It is an energy that my children will reference whether consciously or subconsciously for a lifetime. They will measure their own love by this energy and that is a good thing because this…this love is great. It is all those things that l read that love should be in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.

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I am an advocate for every womxn who has ever been hoe-bashed or slut-shamed into believing there was something she needed to do or be in order to acquire the love and respect she deserves. Sexually Empowered, Millennial Mom. ProHeaux Sex Witch. Intuitive Empath. Sex Writer + Orgasm Advocate + Community Healer.


  • Vanessa

    This was awesome, it’s a great feeling to love and be loved and an even better feeling to share it with your children. I absolutely love your writing and how you express yourself without fear of judgement. This is awesome!!!! You are awesome!!!

  • Shelly Land

    I love this post. It really resonates with me, my background is a bit different. My parents were married, but didn’t last. So, I saw how hurt my mother was, and after him she never fell in love again. She has been alone longer in my lifetime than with anyone. So, it hurts me to see her settle now. I’m like all of these years and now you’re with that piece of sh**? For me, after my marriage it was a relief because he was abusive, but I hurt myself I think and my children by not being open to love again. With my mom and myself, yes there were men in our life but no one I wanted around my kids… I never mentioned outings and she didn’t either. Well she has someone now and all I can say is ugh…. I’m not meeting him. With my kids, the one time I let my guard down and had a relationship after the marriage it was twelve years later. He never had the chance to meet them in the third year we split. So, I don’t know… I always beat myself up about stuff but the one thing I really wish I could change is showing my children what love looks like. My grandparents had an ol’ school love, until death did they part. Maybe it’s my fault my daughters didn’t pick the right guy, at first i thought it was because the sperm donor abandoned them he didn’t just leave me like my parents situation. Maybe it’s both of our fault. I was scared to love anyone, then 12 years later I think my inability to trust ruined my first attempt at love. I mentioned this briefly on one of my post. I felt like someone I was merely “special friends” with shouldn’t meet my children, I didn’t want more than that though… to afraid of someone leaving them, or being a monster to me or possibly them this time. Unlike you I’m still not able to be completely free when I write. I always worry about saying the right things as to not offend folks and with my kids… certain things I just don’t want read. I don’t know, I have to admit just writing here/reading this is therapeutic. Keep sharing, your strength and free spirit is refreshing. I am happy for you, back in my youth everything was so hush hush, sex …relationships. It’s awful. I’m glad that there are spaces such as this to release… at my age after a few decades of writing in my journal and hiding my thoughts. it feels good to let go if only just a little bit

    • Victoria

      Girl, this touched my soul. As parents we do our best. We want to give our children the world ( love, joy, gratitude ) yet we also want to protect ourselves. I learned so much from my mother’s “mistakes”. So I know that if I’m making a mistake, it’s ok if my kids see/know. They’ll benefit either way. I do my best to coach them through their feelings and help them understand how to interpret what they are experiencing. Thank you so much for reading

  • Lisa Stone

    It was hard enough for me too after the divorce, I was gone for about eight years. Then for three years in my life there was a man who also failed in his marriage and he fought for honesty in the relationship. But in the end he did to me what his ex-wife did to him. and i haven’t told my child in all this time that i loved and love this man to this day. and hell, i still think i did the right thing. until i read your article. but maybe i’m making excuses for not meeting someone who’s worth it for my child to know that i love this man…

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