All Opposed to Cunnilingus Say I

Vaginas are not that complicated

Pussy is not that anatomically complicated. People are out here making it seem like it’s rocket science; it’s not. The outside is called the vulva and the inside is the vagina. See easy. All the parts of the vulva you can see and touch, are quite easy to find and remember once you get some up close and personal hands on experience. But you gotta dive in, lights on, eyes opened, and face first.

It seems like a lack of desire fueled by conditioning, misogynistic and patriarchal propaganda, social constructs and the severe deficit of sex education that is the cause of resistance when it comes to learning the pussy; causing a person to not want to get too up close and personal with the female sexual anatomy. We fear what we do not understand.

Pussy is beautiful and absolutely amazing. Trust me, I have one, but if you listen to what society teaches you in the readily available mainstreams of our culture, you might learn something opposite.

Growing up in church with unclean women

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I grew up in a small, southern town in Mississippi where I attended a missionary baptist church. I was raised on those biblical teachings: Sunday school, bible study, choir rehearsal. Before a certain point in my life, I was always at church for some reason or another.

As a young girl, I recall one Sunday in particular. A woman in our congregation, whom also happened to be well-known in our community, stood up to announce that she had been called upon by god to minister to her people. I’d seen this happen before in the church, but this time it was different. Something different was happening. As a child, I did not understand why, but as I got older I grew into the understanding of that experience.

In the past, I had only witnessed men who stood to announce themselves as ministers, preachers, and reverends. When Ms. Cat, as we called her, stood to make her announcement, you could feel the energy shift within the church. There were whispers about the uncleanliness of women due to her monthly cycle and how she was not permitted by god to stand and give “the word” from the pulpit. There were several meeting announcements, more than usual and it caused quite a commotion in our community. After several meetings, deacon board meetings, members and congregation meetings, pastors meetings etc, it was decided that she would be permitted to join the ranks of a position long held only by men in our church. I was one of my very first memories of being a woman.

Those smelly, yucky vaginas

This is what mainstream, religious culture teaches us. Women are unclean; women are the cause of sin; women are the link between man and sin; women are unclean because of their vaginas; women are unclean because they bleed from their vaginas; women are unclean because they’re sex organs are tucked on the inside and cannot be properly cleaned; you can tell that a woman is unclean because of odor and discharge (even referring to natural odor and discharge) . It’s gross to touch a woman’s pussy because of odor and discharge. Women are more susceptible to infections. Women are more likely to contract and carry infections (STI, Yeast, or Bacterial). To which, regardless of how the infection was contracted, all leads back to uncleanliness.

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These are very much the messages that I have received from society as women. I’m sure other women can relate. And if you’re like me and these things have been culturally embedded particularly to the point where you’ve actually subscribed to them and believed in them (which I have not and do not) then there’s absolutely no way you have any desire to put your face, mouth, or tongue in or on someone’s pussy. There are women with vulvas who think it is absolutely gross and won’t allow it done to them. There are also men who find it gross and refuse to do it.

And this is the real reason he won’t eat your pussy. Culturally embedded beliefs about feminine hygiene which includes the sell of sprays, washes, douche, and other products that fund a market that is expected to reach 42.7 Billion by 2022. All of these things contribute to callow ideas regarding vaginas and vulvas.

Peer Pressure of eating Pussy

The first time my ex boyfriend played with my pussy, he held his hand away from his body as though he’s just dipped his hand in acid. And the first time he ate my pussy he spat in an empty soda bottle for several minutes afterwards and then went to rinse his mouth with Listerine. That was not my first stroll around the block by far and I found the entire interaction absolutely hilarious. He kept apologizing and explaining that is was no offense to me. I understood. I had been conditioned to believe the same thing he was feeling in that moment.

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Eating pussy seems popular. It seems like everyone is doing it or at the very least everyone with a partner who has a vulva should be doing it…right? Because of all of this scientific evidence about nerve endings and clitorises, how it brings a woman so much pleasure and helps us reach orgasms more easily which seems to be relatively absent from heterosexual intercourse without ever addressing the issue of why I never considered doing this in the first place. Yes, because they weren’t taught, but more importantly, why they weren’t taught to.

Eating pussy is a delightful and enjoyable experience and not just for the person receiving. What can I say, you are what you eat!

However, the reality is some folks don’t feel comfortable because of what we have been conditioned to believe; what we have been programmed to believe about women and the uncleanliness of our sex organs.

Girls Against Cunnilingus

Did you even know this was a thing? I’ll be honest. I didn’t until I heard it with my own ears. One woman disclosed that she enjoyed receiving oral sex, but it was not something she encouraged. She went on to say that she would allow a person to give her oral sex, but would not kiss them afterwards because she thinks it’s gross. Another woman disclosed that she does not allow her partner to perform oral sex on her for the same reason–she believes “it’s absolutely disgusting.” And I get it, I hear similar things all the time.

I mean if there is a woman who doesn’t want to touch herself to masturbate, then understanding that there is one who doesn’t want her partner to go down on here because she doesn’t want to kiss them afterwards is not too far fetched. Please understand that I’m not shaming anyone here. It’s perfectly fine to not enjoy oral sex for what ever reason. Everything is not for everyone.

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Enthusiasm vs Obligation

When I’m with a guy who does it, but does so reluctantly, the energy is so much different than the guy who does it enthusiastically. It’s like some guys feel peer pressured to eat pussy. Whether it’s because they just want their partner to enjoy it, peer pressure from society, or some other personal reason. Instead of it being from a place of desire, it comes from a place of obligation and I don’t like that word much at all especially when it involves anything sexual. In order for me to enjoy it, it definitely has to be something I love doing and I expressed as much in my Joys of Fellatio series last summer.

I enjoy receiving oral sex a lot. I like to watch. I love the way it feels, however I don’t need to receive it in order to reach orgasm. So in order for me to enjoy receiving, I require a partner that enjoys giving. I absolutely need enthusiastic consent in order to enjoy oral sex. Other than that, it is not necessary for an orgasm but it absolutely makes sex better ←No doubt about it. Which means I’d rather have it than not just to make myself real extra clear.

For many women, eating the pussy is necessary for both enjoyment and orgasm. And now that we know the real reason behind why he won’t eat your pussy, let us work on that part. Let’s get reacquainted with the vulva, the vagina, the female sex organs, the pussy. Let’s honor pussy. The vulva and vagina is a sacred space deserving veneration. Be dauntless in reclaiming the vagina narrative.

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic

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Make Her Cumm Without Using Your Tongue

What if more men thought of sex as something you give a woman rather than something you get from a woman? Oh, how different sex might be!

There is a movement among us, a powerful movement sweeping the sexual freedom community. This movement calls for more and better external clitoral stimulation so that women, all women, may enjoy the pleasure of experiencing mind-altering ORGASMS and a higher frequency of said ORGASMS. The movement seems to particularly focused on oral stimulation of the clitoris. Yep, that’s right. Cunnilingus.

As a woman with a clitoris, I love clitoral stimulation and I am all for oral clitoral stimulation. But of course, I still must listen to guys say, “I should not be obligated to eat pussy if I don’t want to.” Same thing we’ve been saying about sucking dick, but I digress. And while I do so reluctantly, I can empathize with this. No one should be obligated to perform any sex act that they don’t desire to perform. However, getting the lady you are with to achieve ORGASM is still your responsibility and moral obligation. Yes, you read that correctly…MORAL OBLIGATION.

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud- Press Her Button- Clitoral Stimulation

Porn makes it seem like fellatio is a necessity when it comes to sex. We know that isn’t true. At least not from a climaxing perspective, however stimulation of the clitoris is absolutely necessary for many (most) women in order to climax. Mostly, that requires external stimulation most reliably achieved through oral stimulation though not always guaranteed due to a lack of skill.

Why don’t some men like to eat pussy? I don’t know but I’m like 90% certain that it has something to do with their conditioning in regards to the cleanliness of the vulva and vagina as well as menstruation.  I mean, at least from the many conversations I’ve had with guys. Other’s have shared that they can’t get past the taste. There have been a few I’ve been fortunate to persuade otherwise,😏 while others stand firmly by their “I do not eat pussy,” mantra. I guess you can’t win ’em all. 🤷🏾‍♀️

You remember Mike, right? I told you about Mike in my When did you first recognized you needed consent? post. Remember how I told you that I still have the most amazing orgasms with him? #TrueStory In fact, if I’m totally honest he gives me the best ORGASMS I’ve ever had at this stage in my life. Now, I’ll let you in on another secret. Mike has never, in the five years that I’ve known him, perform cunnilingus on me. And as far as I’m concerned, he never has to. I know you’re probably thinking, Whaaaaat? And I’m thinking yaaaaaasss.

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud- flower opening

Why? How? Firstly, I do not require external stimulation to reach ORGASM. Also because there’s obviously more than one way to stimulate the clitoris. Duh.

I mean I hope we know this. If we don’t, given the primitive way we deal with sex present day, very little surprises me.

I enjoy multiple types of clitoral stimulation that I will be sharing with you in this post. Hopefully, my experience can translate into a positive, more pleasurable experience for you and your vulva toting partner. I share all the details of how Mike makes me cum without ever using his tongue.

Toys.

Toys are not ideal for everyone. I didn’t start out with toys. Toys were not a part of my sex life until later on. Eventually, bullets became my go-to if I couldn’t get the real thing. Or I just didn’t feel like being bothered with the real thing or if the urge hit me instantly and there was no real thing around. So I’ll say I enjoy toys. They get me where I need to be and these days I’m learning to love them even more. Thanks to the #30dayorgasmfun. However, when it comes to sex, I absolutely crave human touch and this, my love, is my greatest dilemma.

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud- purple vibrator bullet in a gift box

I have been advised not to think of sex toys in this way, but rather as enhancements to your sexual interaction. I must admit that toys are mostly a distraction if I’m not using them alone. Mostly…but then that might be because I’m not doing it right or that I’m using the wrong kind of toys 🤔

Even so, I got into toys because I knew a chic in college who absolutely freaking love them. She was constantly dragging me into novelty stores saying, “Hey, Victoria oh my god you have to try this.” In retrospect, she would have been really, really great at selling sex toys.

Women who love toys do exist and since becoming a sex blogger I’ve met so many and it’s awesome. They’ve certainly ignited a deeper curiosity within me. Not that I ever questioned this possibility; I’ve just had such a limited experience with toys personally.

These days I do enjoy my guy using a toy to stimulate me. It’s always a fun teaching experience that ends with a lot of pleasure because of the intimacy and the laughter. While toys are not my first choice, they are definitely an option for assisting your partner in reaching ORGASM. Good vibes has an excellent selection if you’re looking for a few options right now.

All hands, but mostly fingers, on deck

Do it with your hands. As much as I love masturbating, it is even better when someone else does it for you. There is so much intimacy present as you stare into the face of your lover or enjoy some deep kissing while you bring them pleasure with your fingers and they just erupt in your hand. Ahhhh!

 

First time deliberately making someone cum with your fingers? Here’s my advice based on what I enjoy. Stick to external stimulation only…no fingering. Make sure you wash your hands first and rinse the soap completely. Your call, but consider clipping your nails. Use plenty of lube…no such thing as too much. Go slow…in the words of a well-circulated Meme…Calm down, it’s not a DJ booth. Follow their guided instruction. I know that I can’t help placing my finger over top and guiding the movement and pressure of the stimulation. Sooooo good.

Pay attention to how they respond physically and vocally. I kinda get annoyed if I tap my person and they continue doing the same thing. Even if you don’t know what something means, ask. And if I’m not enjoying it, I get very quiet. Fingerplay is definitely the best. Kissing plus finger play when my person’s a pro….Yaaaaasss.

Way to use your head

Last but certainly not least, men have this amazing ability to do this wonderful external clitoral stimulating thing with… get this, now… the head of their penis. Whoa! Absolute Magic. I would go so far to say pure sorcery. I close my eyes and I can’t tell the difference between the head of his penis and cunnilingus, except his body is pressing on top of mine. That is the only reminder. Once again, lube is your best friend.

Doing this with a nipple in your mouth 🤤. It’s not for everyone, but it’s definitely for me and maybe it might work for you, too. But if you’re new to this, just start out with one at a time. Once you catch a rhythm, jump on in with the second one. It kind of reminds me of double dutch. You got to have some talent and coordination to accomplish these things.

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud- Tapping head meme

Now, this could present an issue for some because I know for me, I never used to do this type of stimulation because I just didn’t trust the guy I was with to see me through to ORGASM before he tries to put his dick inside my vagina. Thanks to the male privilege that values men’s pleasure over women’s pleasure, men tend to get ahead of themselves and think it’s perfectly acceptable to barge in without consent simply because they’re already so close. No, sir.

Those, my loves, are three ways that I enjoy external clitoral stimulation. No, cunnilingus required. Though highly recommended.

Bonus finger technique: I love this technique. It works super beautifully when I use it on myself and my partners. It’s a technique I discovered accidentally while masturbating one afternoon. With your finger, also works with your tongue or the head of your penis. You simply draw waning and waxing crescent moons over the clitoris over and over and over again.

Final thoughts on the whole, “I don’t eat pussy,” subject.

Just because you prefer not to eat the cookie, does not absolve you of seeing your partner through to a successful and complete ORGASM. They deserve it. #WomensOrgasmsMatter. Besides most vulva owners aren’t concerned about how we get it as long as we get it and the getting is good

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic-a sex blog about feminine sexuality, relationships, and spirituality- twitter poll

Oh and even if you do eat pussy, you can definitely use these to switch things up a bit. Like I said, I thoroughly enjoy all these different ways to climax. They each offer a different kind of experience. 😉

Thanks for reading. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this moral obligation. Share your comments and related post links in the comment section below.

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Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic

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Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic-a sex blog about feminine sexuality, relationships, and spirituality

When did you first recognize you needed consent?

The first time I knew I needed consent.

It was May 2013. I had received a judicial order to return to my residential state that accused me of endangering my children and removing them without parental consent. In the months prior to this, my mother had ascended, I’d given birth to my second child, and found myself in a volatile domestic situation that had led to my homelessness.

The world was a dark place and I was ready to find my corner and settle in.

The dark place

I can’t remember the exact date I met Mike. Rewind to a few hours prior to our meeting, my mother in law had arrived to pick up the kids. She hadn’t seen them in a couple of months and I was exhausted. I scheduled the hand off and had planned to take refuge beneath the warmth and darkness of layers of covers: quilts, comforter and anything else I could pile on in order to block out the world and sleep away my existence.

Just as I was settling into my dark and warm, woman-made cocoon, a voice in my head said, “Fuck this shit.” I immediately popped out of bed. Not knowing how long I’d be displaced, I had tried to conserve the last $200 in my checking account knowing there would be no more coming in due to my inability to work the job I had recently secured.

I decided instead to go get a nice pedicure and temporarily forget about the fucked up situation I was in. And it worked, for as long as I was there.

When the Universe has a change of plans

As I exited the nail shop, I didn’t actually want to leave. I didn’t feel like going back into my depression. I don’t like it there. I thought of staying to get more stuff done because a girl can spend all day in the nail salon with great purpose. Then I had to realistically re-assess my money situation.

I walked towards my step mother’s red SUV digging around in my purse for the key when a voice in my head which had never been so clear before that moment said firmly, “STOP.”

I stopped and continued to search for the key in pockets and creases of my handbag. Found them and right next to them were my sunglasses. I pulled them out and placed them on my face. Then a voice said to me, “Is that what you were looking for?” Only this time it wasn’t in my head. It was coming from Mike.

Mister, Mr. Mike

Mike had been loitering in front of the barbershop next door, casually scrolling through his phone. I looked over at him, smiled from behind my sun glasses, made some brief statements and continued to the car. I sat for a moment pretending to answer a text that hadn’t actually come through silently asking the Universe to send him over. I felt like it was a long shot just because by now I was already inside the car, but I desperately needed someone to talk to.

Imagine my joy and surprise when the guy who had once been standing outside the barber shop was now at my window. I’ve never been a fan of small talk…not really. The conversations started with a bit of small talk age, place of origin, marital status, things like that, then quickly escalated to me spilling the contents of my current tragedy.

Mike decided not to join me on my pity party. Instead, he made light of it and that made me smile uncontrollably. Then to me smiling so much he responded, “That is why I had to come talk to you. Your smile is so gorgeous.” More uncontrollable smiling followed. He asked me for my phone number. I recall him say, “You said yes so fast I thought it was a no.”

When did you first recognize you needed consent?

 

I can’t put my finger on it but it’s different

I’d never met anyone like him. He asked me out on odd outings. He was extremely soft spoken. Often I had to ask him to repeat himself. He had a calming energy and the sexiest swag I know to date.

After several dates, conversations, and hand holding sessions, I wanted to take things farther. Actually I wanted to take it further days prior but I was still adjusting to my new self and trying to exercise some self-control. Which is not something I’d had to do in such a long time. Mike made it easy though.

One day he called me up and asked me would l like to go out…he listed off a couple of places to which I said no to them all. He then asked if I’d like to get a room. I promptly responded affirmatively.

It had been a while since I’d had sex with anyone besides my soon to be ex husband and it had even been several months since that had even occurred. I was a lactating mess and a nervous wreck. Mike did not care. His energy said so.

Insert Consent [HERE]

We sat on the bed beside one another almost as if it were our first time and in some ways, it was his first time with me, my first time with him, our first time experiencing such a CONNECTION which is something I would later learn.

It was so funny because I was pretending to be deeply entrenched in what was happening on the television when he tapped me on the shoulder. I turned to face him and he said to me, “Do you like to kiss; Would you like to kiss me?”

I SMILED so hard it still hurts my face when I think about it. I could not recall a time before or after that any person has asked permission to access my body. That was the most AWESOME kiss ever in the history of my life. He’d actually asked before kissing me! That was such a huge, “WHOA!” moment for me.

I love you, Mike!

Now, there is such a thing as nonverbal consent and I’m really big and obvious when it comes to this type of consent. However, it was at this moment that Mike asked me for a kiss that I realize how much validation, security, openness, and vulnerability comes with certain verbal consent. How wonderful to feel both VULNERABLE and SECURE as a simultaneous emotion!

I still have the best orgasms with him.


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Single Mother Sex

Me: So I met a guy
Relative: Oh, how nice. Tell me about him.
*Proceeds to spill with wonder and excitement*
Relative: How wonderful? Does he know about the kids?
Me: Yes, he knows.
Relative: Has he met the kids?
Me: No, not yet.
Relative: Do you plan on introducing him to the kids?

Yada, yada, blah, blah, blah

For the life of me, I still cannot figure out why one might think you would attempt to hide the fact that you have children who live with you nine months out of the year from someone with whom you have the potential to become seriously involved.

But anyway…

Rules, Rules, Rules

When I first became a single mother, I already knew that navigating sex would not be the easiest task. Along with the physical body changes came a full blown lifestyle change. Complete with a list of “single mother dating” rules to accompany. Mostly hetero-rules like:

  • Don’t bring too many different guys around your children.
  • Wait awhile before introducing a new guy.
  • Be careful of the things you do and say in regards to dating around your kids.
  • Be careful of PDA in front of your children. (You don’t want it to become a situation of a new guy every month; it confuses the child *INSERT SARCASM HERE*)
  • Bringing different men around your daughter presents the wrong ideals.
  • Bringing different men around your son leaves an impression

I kinda went along even though I couldn’t decide whether these were good rules for myself. After all, I don’t quite adhere to the hetero-normative narrative of society. My greatest dilemma became, so when do I get to have my time? As a single mother, I share a large chunk of my free time with my children. Besides when I am at work, where ever I am, so are my children.

As you may be able to imagine, single parenting can be extremely stressful. For me, sex is a huge stress release, and not being able to have regular sex can compound that stress and add frustration. Sex became a ritual of sorts, occurring only a few times a year when I could get the kids to sleep early enough and have my company out before they woke in the morning. These rituals turned into a full on sexual splurge when my children were away during the summer and winter breaks which contributed to how this blog was conceived, no pun intended.

I soon grew exhausted of this process and decided to reserve sex only for the breaks and sleep overs with my girlfriend. This was still difficult because, it takes some time to find someone you desire to have sex with regularly all summer long after not being involved with anyone for the entire year. A game of Tinder swiping, random hook-ups, and dating uninterestedly so you don’t seem too hoe-ish cause all you’re really looking for is sex is like shopping for the perfect pair of shoes to wear to the party of the year that you’d rather not attend.

It is certainly an equally exhausting process.

“My sex drive is way too high for the amount of sex I’m not having.”

Excuse me while I toot my own horn, but I am a great lover (with lots of valuable experience) who absolutely loves sex in its many facilities. Sex for me is like the study of the person with whom I am engaged.

But I digress.

Sex-Positive Single Parenting…I Guess

As my children grow older, I am more open with them about my sexuality as a single mother. Do I sit around having conversations with them about myself as a sexual being? In fact, I certainly do. Mostly with my nine and a half year old prepubescent daughter. I need my children to understand that having a partner does not validate or invalidate your sexual desires as a human person.

I’ve learned through the ascension of my own mother that understanding your mother (and other persons) as a human being is more important than understanding or following the rules of society.

The decision to meet your own physiological needs is nothing to hide, or be ashamed of which we have been conditioned to believe about many physiological needs, especially sex. I don’t bring many people around my children anyway, whether there is a romantic involvement or not simply because I’m not of that personality type. I’ve learned of myself as a single mother that it’s unnecessary to take all these extra-exposural precautions (Yes, I did just make that word up and it seems absolutely appropriate for what I need to say so I’m going with it). In addition, I am certainly the type to be involved with individuals who are just friends. So, how does that work? Do I then decide not to bring my friends around my children just because we’ve had sex?

I think not.

Sex with Friends- it can work

Although, there have been great debates online and abroad, I am a testament to the fact that sex with friends is absolutely and wonderfully possible. Some of my very best, most loyal friends are individuals with whom I have had some sort of sexual contact.

I can say that my participation in this little game of navigating single mother sex has brought forth a profound appreciation for the sex that I am able to have. I have become much more discerning about whom I have sex with and much more keen about cultivating the sexual experience that I desire with precision and intention.

I find that I need sex, in general, a lot less than I need AMAZING, MIND BLOWING sex which is much more likely than it may have been had I not been selective due to single parenting. It certainly takes you a lot further during times of drought. All things happen with purpose.

I’ve come to understand that simply having the opportunity to have sex is not always worth the efforts of having to create that opportunity; Paying a sitter, renting a hotel room, having to adhere to a schedule and not being able to sleep in to truly enjoy the experience. To have it only end up being a mediocre experience can be stressful in itself, and feels like such a waste of time that could have been spent well…writing which is never a wasted of time.

My theme for sex in the most recent two years has been the T.I. song, “I don’t want no mediocre.”

 

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Are men conditioned to be predators?

As I am confronted with the knowledge of a truth I have known but was not always aware of, I find myself mulling over this question. And as I gather all of the supporting details from experiences in my own life, past and current, I grow more sullen and more frustrated with the answer.

In the recent guest feature “Why my sex positivity is not without fear shame or trauma,” Myisha talks about how even as sex positive or sexually liberated individuals, even as we are standing before you saying that I am a multifaceted person and yes this includes my sexuality, we are still being relegated to a singular objective form.

For reasons of being very sexually expressive, of being sex positive, sexually liberated and talking very candidly and sometimes explicitly about all things sex and our own sexual experiences, we become a target for predatory behavior specifically from men.

Unsolicited & Unwanted

Unsolicited dick pix and sexual advances fill my private messages inbox. Stalker behavior from men you’ve blocked for being inappropriate who continue to harass you even after you’ve asked them to stop. Even being blocked does not stop them. “Oh, you blocked me?” once message read, “I’m gonna show you something,” it continued followed by several notifications on other social platforms that this same individual was now following me.

It’s my own fault I suppose. Putting myself out there like that. What did I expect? **rolls eyes**

What the fuck!? were my exact thoughts.

Demands of “Why aren’t you responding to my messages?” It doesn’t matter. I’m not so just let it go. I’m not obligated to do anything I don’t want to do particularly if doing so makes me uncomfortable.

The fear and the trauma is real. You start to think maybe I should stop posting these photos.

A guy I know messaged me on SnapChat asking me out to lunch and offering fun afterwards. Of course, I already knew what he meant by “fun” right. I messaged him back, “Fun???” His response was, “Maybe movies and something else.” **ROLLS EYES**

I won’t deny the feeling of anger and disgust I felt; the desire to shrink myself so small that no one would recognize me. I felt vulnerable in the most victimized way; that feeling were conditioned to feel.

I know him. I know him in real life. He’s not just a guy who decided to follow a half-naked woman he happened upon on Instagram. He has never approached me in such a way before. What in the male psyche convinced him that it was suddenly appropriate or ok to proposition me in such a way now? Just because you saw a few revealing photos of me on the internet? So fucking what.

For the life of me I cannot comprehend how that translates into, Ok now I have the green light to say (or do) whatever I want, however I want to this person. Please, someone help me understand this logic.

Just last summer, I had a very scary predatory experience. I went out on a very public date with a guy I connected with on a dating site. The most he ever said to me was, “Want another?” referring to the empty glass sitting in front of me. After the third, I declined.

Once we were outside and saying our goodbyes, he pinned me against my car and tried to kiss me. I pushed him away and he grabbed my arm and attempted to pull me towards his car. He was saying something but because of everything that was going on, I don’t recall a word of it. As he continues to pull me by my arm, I grabbed his keys and informed him that he needed to let me go and let me leave.

He smirked as he released my arm. These instances of coercion are just too common for comfort. I’ve heard it expressed as, “That’s why I’m glad I’m married.” Women see marriage as a means to escape predatory behavior?

Some have argued that because I present myself a certain way, this type of behavior is to be expected. A very usual expectation, I’m sure, doesn’t make it any less predatory or repulsive and it certainly does not make it appropriate or acceptable.

My friends encourage me to ignore them. They are not aware of their conditioning enough to change their own behavior. It’s not a decision on their part to act on your representation, it’s a reaction.

They have very literally lost their god damn minds.

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Women’s orgasms matter because

Women’s orgasms matter because

as I wore my #WomensOrgasmsMatter t-shirt down the aisles of my local Wal-Mart both men and women commented how awesome my shirt was and inquired about where they could get one, but one black man said to me, “That’s a hard shirt to wear.”

In the time it took him to read my shirt and respond with that statement, he had come to the conclusion that me being in support of Women’s Orgasms (and equal rights for women in general) was somehow in conflict with me being in support of Black Lives or better yet me making a mockery of the Black Lives Matter movement. With that, I can safely say, he misunderstands my message.

Women’s orgasms matter because

last night as I attempted to recount my experience of being a BLACK woman, a BLACK man begin to over talk and out talk me in what felt like an attempt to invalidate by experience under the guise of BLACK men have it worse instead of just listening to what I had to say about my experience as a BLACK woman, something he knows nothing about.

He was so enamored by HIS story that he didn’t even notice I had exited the conversation and was now scrolling through my Instafeed completely ignoring anything further he had to say. I wasn’t interested in arguing. There is nothing to argue. My experience as a black woman is valid.

He immediately turned an opportunity to listen and learn into an “us against them argument” and on top of all that, he dragged the white man into it and then blamed black women for our own plight because of the way we treat ourselves, the way we carry ourselves, the way we refuse to conform, and take control of the situation.

I still haven’t figured out what that has to do with the action of BLACK men and the way BLACK women are being oppressed by both white privilege and BLACK men. Like they don’t understand that oppression doesn’t just happen between races but within them as well. I mean, if you can understand the light skinned, dark skinned theory of racism why is it so difficult for you to just hear women out on the male female theory of oppression within black culture. This whole “But us first” mentality is weak.

The Great Debate of Sex and Race

I hear people argue that I’m black first and then I’m a woman. I am a black woman…those facts coexist equally. I don’t feel it necessary to choose. I cannot fully address the issues I face by choosing one over the other when we are being marginalized in both being black in this world, being a woman in this world, and being a black woman in this world.

Just the other day I told a friend of mine that talking to a (black) man about my experiences as a (black) woman is a lot like I imagine the conversation between a white man and black man in regards talking about our experiences and he agreed. I breathe a sigh of relief to know that he understood.

The way one feels like instead of working together for equality, you immediately label the scenario “Us against Them”. In the way that you feel like your experience is being invalidated instead of considered.

But I don’t have many conversations on the issue of black and white because the truth is I interact way more intimately with the BLACK man. Therefore, this experience resonates more with me. I have been oppressed more personally and on a more consistent basis by the men in my life than any other entity in this world. I feel the oppression of my feminine experience to a greater depth than that of being black. Though in large, I feel they cannot be separate. When someone sees me they see me as being both black and a woman. While others might disagree, I am only speaking of my experience.

Understand that I am for everything that I am and I am not against any of it. In fact I am not against anything at all.

Women’s orgasms matter because when I told him I had reached orgasm long before I reached puberty, his response was, “Wow, women can do that!?”

Women’s orgasms matter because I’d often been told to make sure I get mine first because once he came, it was over.

Women’s orgasms matter because we teach girls about their sexuality as it relates to men and boys when it can absolutely exist separately.

Women’s orgasms matter because some people believe that just because many women don’t reach orgasm it also means that they can’t.

Women’s orgasms matter because there are women who have experienced the joys of childbirths but have never experienced the pleasure of orgasm.


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To Be a Sex Positive Parent

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic-a sex blog about feminine sexuality, relationships, and spirituality

I strive to raise sex positive children and as much as I strive for this, the reality is I don’t really know how. Contrary to what this blog may project…I am not a sex expert. The idea of being sex positive in general is relatively new to me so the concept of sex positive parenting is completely uncharted territory. However, it is not outside my experience and there are some resources like this piece by sex therapist Kristin Hambridge, Sex + Parenting. And this one, This Is What Sex-Positive Parenting Really Looks Like, that I can’t stop rereading.

My children are young, nine and four, as I write these words. Discussing anatomical names and physiological locations for body parts is easy, but what about everything else.

When I’ve asked people, mainly women, they tell me that sex education was largely absent in their upbringing. I believed I’ve mentioned before that my parents never talked to me about sex. Fortunately, I liked to read and had a keen curiosity when it came to my body and sex in general.

The first conversation I ever had about sex, I was in middle school with a group of high school aged girls who took it upon themselves to educate me once they noticed all of the attention I was getting from guys that were in high school.

Being a sex positive parent means giving my children the knowledge and experience I wish I would have had if I had it to do again. And taking all of the high energy experiences I appreciated having and gifting that to them as well.

Confounds of Conditioning

I speak very openly about my desire to educate my children without restriction when it comes to sexuality. There are few people who agree with my methods. I can confidently say, this is mainly due to their own conditioning. The same conditioning that teaches us that sex is mostly (or only) for a man’s pleasure. The same conditioning that accepts double standards as the standard. The same conditioning that teaches a woman that it’s ok for a guy to touch her, but it’s gross to touch herself, or that sex is something you do behind closed doors and you certainly do not discuss it openly. Yes, I experienced the same conditioning. Even though I did not subscribe to all of it personally, I was going right along with it.

However, this is not where I am coming from. First, I am actively questioning and revolutionizing every ideal within my awareness about sexuality (because there are things that I am still unaware of). I am deciding which of those ideals resonate with me, which ones are counter productive to who I am, and which of them are my own formed beliefs. So few of them are my own.

One of my friends said to me, “Victoria, for the sake of your children, I hope you are doing this right.” I’m sure they meant well but I didn’t hesitate to let them know that my decision to raise sex positive children is not about being right or wrong. My children are not some social experiment in a “Most Successful” parenting competition.

Life is about giving your children all the things you never had, right? (Maybe…) For me, I did not have the knowledge to make a well-informed decision when it came to my own sexuality or even the decision to engage in the act of sex, which has had some unwarranted effects on relationships that were very important to me.

I was not very sexually empowered and occasionally found myself in situations I had not been prepared to deal with. Of course this happens in life, but it happened significantly more often for sexual encounters. Situations I had not been prepared for and had not been taught to properly navigate.

Desexualizing Nudity

I believe this is the most important component to raising sex positive children.

I walk around my home completely nude. Yes, in front of my children and so do my children. I can’t tell you how many people have gasped at this revelation. My son, who is four years old, occasionally plays with my boobs and crawls underneath my dresses. So did my daughter at that age. I mean, why not, it’s completely non-sexual: boobs are fun to play with and ankle-length dresses are like tents. When I was a child, I used to play with my dad’s boobs (Yes, my dad had boobs!), and I’ll hear you say that that’s different but only because we make it so.

My children love on my nudity all the time and I allow it because not only is it good for them, it’s also good for me. When my daughter runs her hand across my tummy, she doesn’t think how gross and ugly my stretchmarks look. She questions where I got them and when she might receive her own. This helps me recognize my own conditioning towards my postpartum body.

When my son nestles his face into my breast, it is simply his way of comforting himself. He nursed from my breast for the first thirteen months of his life, that memory is not so far away for either of us. Motherhood has helped me see that a body is not just reserved for sex. And of course, I knew that already but it was not a part of my conditioning. Therefore nonsexual bodily interactions that occur between me and my children are indeed normal however generally may be perceived by others as inappropriate.

Sexualizing children is one of my greatest pet peeves but it’s something we’ve been conditioned to do. We do it without a second thought as to the origins of such a thought.

Empowerment to the Children

Even though I found myself in those situations, I was thankful that my mom taught me that it is perfectly acceptable to say no in any situation. Although she did not say so explicitly, in my mind, sex was not different.

Now being in a situation where I didn’t know whether I wanted to say yes or no was a whole other issue and a bit trickier. No one ever taught me how to listen to my inner self to make these sort of decisions. That’s a post in itself though.

When I sit with women and talk about these things, most experiences are relatable however outcomes may differ. I try to figure out where our experiences diverge. It is through these conversations that I’ve learned so many women were not taught to explicitly say no. (And I’m still exploring the why of this: Why aren’t women taught explicitly to say no?)…and of course I’m aware of the whole, “Why is the responsibility placed solely on the woman?” I’m so there although I’ve learned to navigate this thing one question at a time…the overlap will eventually reveal itself.

It’s weird to have been taught to stand up for what you believe in and trust your intuition except when it comes to sex. I was always taught that your hormones will deceive you and your emotions will betray you. BLASPHEMY! I know that now.

I was not taught to acknowledge my body at all in any way. Perhaps if I’d been a dancer or an athlete that may not have been the case, however, that is not my story. I was only ever taught to hide and cover myself: skirts below the knee and shirts up to my collar bone. My physical and psychological pubescent changes were never directly acknowledged outside of my menstrual cycle. These conversations occur regularly now between me and my own daughter.

I want to empower my children to explore their sexuality however they choose. I want to teach them that it is perfectly acceptable to reject experiences that do not resonate within. If a thing does occur, willingly or unwillingly, it is not something you need to feel guilt or shame about.

Fearlessly Open

Whenever I encounter bullies in my life, the first thing I’d do is tell somebody. Put them right on blast so everyone would know. I wish I had been taught to be so fearlessly open when it came to exposing the “bully” of conditioning in my own life. Hell, I didn’t even possess the awareness to be so vigilant. I would like my kids to have a different option. Does this mean they’ll make all the right and great decisions? I’m sure they won’t. But once again, that isn’t the goal.

I want my children to know that it is perfectly acceptable to challenge the status quo. You don’t need to go along to get along. Let’s talk about it. What’s done in the dark must be brought to the light or else people will go on just pretending it doesn’t happen. PERIOD.

I’ve had someone say to me, if you teach your daughter to be as sexually liberated as you are, aren’t you concerned about predators. Nope…they exist regardless of whether she is sex positive, sexually liberated, or totally oblivious. They may still come for her and while I cannot change others behaviors, I can make her aware of her every option and right as a human person.

Encouraging my children to use their words, to write what they cannot say, to draw what they cannot write, and to simply be still if they need to is so important to my endeavors of sex positive parenting. No form, of the way you choose to express yourself, is greater than another.

For me, this is so much deeper than intercourse. It’s about fostering healthy attitudes, and relationships, first with your whole self, in order to choose healthy sexual experiences and boundaries with others. By whole self I mean physical, psychological, spiritual, as well as sexual (which embodies all three).

**SIGH**
I could go on and on because the freedom to explore one’s sexuality, openly and safely in the way that they desire, is so important to me. I desire for my children to find strength and sensuality in sex instead of shame, objectification, and health stigmas.

Yes, I could go on but I won’t. I’ll just stop right here and you can subscribe to keep abreast of my sex positive parenting adventures. After all, this is just theory.


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The Common Occurrence of Sexual Coercion

I was 28 years old before I had a complete understanding of what is sexual coercion. I remember driving my grandmother to her general physician. There were pockets of pamphlets lined up on the wall talking about everything from pregnancy, to depression, exercising and other things. Among those pamphlets, there was one that read, “What is sexual coercion?” I grabbed it immediately and stuffed it into my purse to read later.

When I was in my early twenties, I knew a guy. He told me a story of a girl he’d had a crush on. The two of them had been at a hospital visiting a mutual friend. While visiting this friend, the two agreed they would go to his house afterwards to have sex. On the way there, the girl changed her mind and asked him to take her home instead. According to his story, he took her home but not before stopping the car in the middle of nowhere to inform his passenger that she could either have sex with him right there in his car or walk home. She opted for the former.

Maybe it was not my best response but I immediately got upset and called him a rapist. He asked me how it was rape because he hadn’t threatened her with a weapon. That is when I began to educate him on sexual coercion and that he should never tell that story, in that smug sense of accomplishment tone that he had, ever again.

I’ve heard third hand stories similar to this involving gang rape and drunken scandals. I even had such an experience of my own where a guy refused to allow his cousin (a guy I had been consensually involved with) to take me home in his car because I wouldn’t let him smash, too. That situation ended with me threatening to call the police and accuse them both of rape.

I talk about sexual coercion in the post Stop Running Pussy Scams.

What is sexual coercion?

By definition, sexual coercion is “the act of using pressure, alcohol or drugs, or force to have sexual contact with someone against his or her will” and includes “persistent attempts to have sexual contact with someone who has already refused.”

Coercion can filter through guilt, shame, or pressure in any of the following forms:

  • Make you feel like you owe them — ex. Because you’re in a relationship, because you’ve had sex before, because they spent money on you or bought you a gift, because you go home with them
  • Give you compliments that sound extreme or insincere as an attempt to get you to agree to something
  • Badger you, yell at you or hold you down
  • Give you drugs and alcohol to loosen up your inhibitions
  • Play on the fact that you’re in a relationship, saying things such as: “Sex is the way to prove your love for me” or “If I don’t get sex from you I’ll get it somewhere else”
  • React negatively (with sadness, anger or resentment) if you say no or don’t immediately agree to something
  • Continue to pressure you after you say no
  • Make you feel threatened or afraid of what might happen if you say no
  • Try to normalize their sexual expectations: ex. “I need it, I’m a guy.”
    http://www.loveisrespect.org/content/what-sexual-coercion/

It was not until I had this complete understanding that I recognized I had heard not just one but many stories of sexual coercion, that I had watched women being coerced into sex, and I myself had even been a victim of sexual coercion. I believe the most common occurrence of sexual coercion happens under “persistent attempts to have sexual contact with someone who has already refused.” Known even more commonly as it’s very normalized, seemingly harmless alias, PEER PRESSURE.

There is this incredible wow moment when you realize that rape, sexual coercion, and peer pressure (to have sex) is essentially the same thing. The craziest thing of all is that we ALL, men and women, believe that this is normal and we place the responsibility to reject pressure on the person being pressured instead of teaching that pressuring people into doing things they have already refused and passing it off as “normal” is wrong. So wrong.

Everyday sexual coercion

The Common Occurrence of Sexual CoercionWho here is NOT familiar with the term Blue Balls? Basically, blue balls is when a male’s testicles become swollen and painful after sexual play that does not result in orgasm.

Now, who here is familiar with how the condition is used to coerce girls/women into sex? Basically, after sexual play, the guys tell the girl she has to help him reach orgasm so he doesn’t get blue balls. I’ve heard this story so many times from so many women. SMH. More on blue balls.

Just recently I was hanging out with a friend who, needless to say, is no longer a friend. As we sat on his sofa watching a movie, he placed his had on my inner thigh. I politely moved his hand and placed it back onto his leg. He then took his hand and placed it back on my thigh and then I moved it again. Later he brought it up saying that I was acting like I didn’t want him to touch me as if he was irritated or insulted by such a suggestion.

Goddess help me, I had to sit with this forty something year old man and ask him, “If you come on to someone and the person refuses, what is it called if you continue without their consent?” His response, ***DRUM ROLLS*** “RAPE!” Rape, his response was rape. So he knew that what he was doing was not the appropriate thing to do yet he did it anyway.

What if I had not been firm in my refusal? What if I had not been well versed on sexual coercion and what it entails? Is it safe to say that he would have continued as he demonstrated when he later attempted to make me feel some kind of way for refusing his advances? Of course he would have!

“In some twisted, sex negative way, his behavior was absolutely justifiable to himself.”

It was a shitty fucking experience. I was so pissed when he later said he was only trying to express his care and affection towards me and did not intend to cause me any harm. Even as he said those words, I could sense some truth in what he was saying. In some twisted, sex negative way, his behavior was absolutely justifiable to himself. I think what angered me the most is that even after I had explained the wrong in it and he seemed to follow what I was explaining, he still attempted to deny that it was wrong. I could only picture him doing this to someone else. Someone who is not as empowered as I have grown to be.

Culturally embedded behavior

Since this has happened, I’ve sat with others, men and women, with the goal of making sense of it and learning more about the occurrence of sexual coercion. The majority of the women I’ve spoken with have had the experience of being coerced into sex. Many of them stating that they didn’t realize or understand that they didn’t have to go through with it particularly after it had progressed to a certain point like making out or nudity.

And well why not, just listen to the lyrics of the 2004 song “Lover’s and Friends”
She said, “Ohhh-ohhh, I’m ready to ride, yeah”
‘Cause once you get inside, you can’t change your mind
Don’t mean to sound impatient, but you gotta promise, baby, ohh

Really!? I can’t change my mind?

Sexual coercion is so normal that entertainers write songs about it as we joyously sing along to the lyrics. I graduated high school in 2004 from a school in suburban Atlanta. I loved listening to this song with my friends. We knew that this was normal (disclaimer: Normal, doesn’t make it right). We knew that occasional there would be this guy you have to practically fight off because of this mode of thinking. And we just thought it was normal. Men just have no self-control, right? Wrong! All wrong.

Men are also aware of the occurrence and believe it is the best and sometimes the only way to get sex from a woman because as one guy put it “women aren’t as into sex as guys are.” For real, dude!? I need to know the origins of that myth because you must definitely not be interacting with the same cisgender, heterosexual women I interact with or you’re doing something wrong. And at this point, I’m more in favor of the latter.

Now the question is, how do we change this?


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Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic-a sex blog about feminine sexuality, relationships, and spirituality- HIV Awareness

To Love Someone with HIV

I wonder why you clicked this link. Is it because you truly want to know what it’s like to love someone with HIV? Is it because you want to know if my feelings of loving someone with HIV are the same as yours? Or maybe it is because you couldn’t pass up an opportunity to stigmatize and judge yet another person with HIV?

HIV is an illusion to many of us who are not directly affected by it. It isn’t real to us: some distant celebrity or unknown persons with a substance addiction, some local fear tactic. It just doesn’t exist to us; it’s not our concern. Not knowing quite how to care.

To love someone with HIV was the most painful experience in my life. You’d think I was the one who had been diagnosed.

But why, why was it such a painful experience? There have been so many medical advances when it comes to HIV and AIDS that such a diagnoses is no longer the death sentence it was once thought to be. Today, persons diagnosed with the virus can look forward to living long and prosperous lives. Am I right?

You couldn’t be more wrong. From a perspective of physical health, that is true, because of medical advances, some persons diagnosed with HIV can live healthy lives. We’ve even made advanced steps towards prevention with PrEP (coming soon in generic form). For others, this is not so. From a social perspective, an HIV diagnoses can absolutely become a death sentence; one of shame, of guilt, and of discrimination. The stigma of HIV is now more dangerous than the actual virus itself. Not just to physical health, but psychological well being most of all.

Eradicate the stigma and discrimination associated with HIV @PrettyPinkLotusBud

Robbery by Shame

I never realized shame could actually rob a person of their will to live. But I witnessed it with my own eyes, with my own beingness as shame and guilt sucked the life right out of my mother. To know that someone you love is suffering, dying a slow and excruciating death to shame, guilt, and heavy stigmas surrounding the diagnosis of HIV is excruciating to watch.

Shame is the plague to our journey of self-realization.

My mother was HIV positive. I remember when she sat down to tell me. She spoke with such somber disappointment; an air of defeat all around her. I responded with shock which wasn’t the best response, but it’s the one that occurs when something you never thought could happen happens to you.

It was exactly this moment that HIV became real to me. It didn’t take me long to process it. Despite my initial shock, there was nothing to process. She was my mother, I loved her just the same. Her diagnoses did not matter to me and soon it left my mind altogether, but it never left hers. How could it with the stigma of HIV lingering stagnant all around us despite medical advances?

Suicide by Diagnosis

During the time after my mother had been diagnosed, she had also been diagnosed with cervical cancer. I lived a distance away so I didn’t see my mom that often. When I did see her I was constantly reminded of her diagnoses as I watched her withdraw from the world, withdraw from family, from us, her children, from her grandchild, my daughter whom I knew was her most favorite something in this life…my best gift I could have given her. The stigma of HIV had my mother by the balls if there were such a thing for her. She was cornered in a depressing and lonely place.

The hugs and kisses became fewer and the distance greater. It was like she was punishing herself, so careful not to pass her virus to others. Prior to her diagnoses, I used to say to her, “Ma, you can’t contract HIV that way.” Then she’d tell me, “That’s what they tell you now, years later they’ll be saying something different.” As a nurse, she had a lot of inside information on the “unknowns” of HIV. Just a random tidbit.

She’d tell me about her experiences and encounters with people who were aware of her diagnoses. Sometimes she’d become so hurt by the judgement, she’d erupt in anger and other times she’d laugh hysterically about the facial expressions and reactions of others. Mostly she just stayed tucked away from everything and everyone.

Eradicate the stigma and discrimination associated with HIV @PrettyPinkLotusBud

Your love is my love; Your pain is my pain.

I hurt. I hurt because she hurt because even as her daughter, not judging her and loving her just the same was not enough to overcome the social stigma of HIV. No matter what I said, no matter what I did none of it helped…none of it convinced her to fight. She tried to fake it, but like me, my mother was never good at that thing…faking. She was pretending for us which also caused me terrible pain.

There is no shame in desiring death. Death is peace.

I cried often. I prayed for God to help her see how loved she was. But all she could hear were voices of judgment crowding her in shadows of shame. I know because that’s all I could hear from her.

It hurt so much to witness my mother in such a weakened state after seeing her be so strong for so long. So much that at times I could not stand to be around her very long without bursting into tears. I tried and often times she’d console me and apologize constantly for her sadness, for her desire for death. She didn’t need to apologize, I understood much more than I ever wanted to.

Stamp out Stigma and Discrimination

My beloved mother ascended into greatness on what was Wednesday, June 27th 2012 which also happens to be National HIV Testing day first observed on June 27th 1995. Not very many family or friends knew that my mother was HIV positive and still don’t however, I doubt I have to tell you why. Even in her ascension it is still only whispered about among those of us who do know. For awhile, I was the only one she told.

I wrestled a lot with myself about whether I should write and publish this post because of the same reasons…stigmas that caused my mother to withdraw from life. But I’ve found that the more I talk about it, the more open I am about it, the less need I have to hide it, and the less shame I feel about it.

Eradicating the stigma of HIV will not be easy but it is absolutely necessary.

To learn more about the stigma of HIV visit HIV Stigma and Discrimination and Stigma and Discrimination against Women Living with HIV.

You should also check out Angry Black Hoemo’s HIV Stigma: A(nother) Tool of Homophobia & Direct Enemy of Prevention where he gives his blunt and honest perspective on the stigmas of HIV.

Free testing is available in many places on June 27th. To find out more about HIV and how you can get free testing on testing day visit National HIV Testing Day on Chronicsex.org.

Eradicate the stigma and discrimination associated with HIV @PrettyPinkLotusBud

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Stop Running Pussy Scams!

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Before I began this post, I’m already prepared for the whole, “women run scams, too,” counter argument. We know women run scams, too. In fact, we also know they’ve coined an adorable little nickname for it; Gold Diggers.

Oh you know it, too? Yes, I’m sure. It has sparked a themed movement of movies, song lyrics, memes and the like. So yeah, we know but we rarely talk about the scams that men run. Hmmm. I wonder why that is? Not really. It doesn’t matter though because I’m not here to talk about gold diggers. I’m here to talk about pussy scammers.

What exactly is a pussy scam?

A pussy scam is when a person, usually a cisgender man, offers to do something nice for another person, usually a woman, cisgender or transgender, with the expectation of sex being the reward of a supposedly genuine gesture of kindness. In many cases, he might offer to do a favor, fulfill a need, complete a task, take her out, or buy her something. Drinks perhaps.

Pussy scams are so rampant that women often turn down kind offers from men because we feel like sex is more than likely the expectation. I mean, especially if you like a guy. You’re so reluctant to ask of anything or accept any offers because you don’t want to be disappointed.

It’s like, “Oh, here’s this guy who barely knows me, being so sweet and offering to do all these nice things.” Then you ask yourself cynically, “Ok, what does he want? ” Answer: the only thing that he believes you have for sure.

Guys are fully aware of this as well. I had one guy who sensed my ambivalence towards his offers and attempted to make me feel more comfortable by reassuring me that here were no strings attached. Of course there were, though. And even though I felt there were, it became undeniably transparent when he invited me to meet him out for drinks and the location he text me ended up being the address to one of those hourly motels. I didn’t hesitate to let him know I was very disappointed.

I’ve turned down dates and personal visits, offers to pay for or fix things “for free” that I might desperately need fixing just cause I feel like it’s nothing but a pussy scam.

Remember, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. It’s as my grandmother sometimes says, “People not out here offering something for nothing.”

Why not just say no?

Besides the obvious, the way fragile masculinity is set up,  that it could potentially be dangerous for a woman to say no to a man; being put in such a situation is already awkward and annoying as fuck. Once you refuse or decline the offer, then comes the begging, bargaining, coercion, and even threats that makes the situation multiple times worse.

I have tried them all and yes, I have been begged, bargained with, stalked, threatened, and had men attempt to coerce me into sex. Through my personal trials, I have found avoidance to be my safest and most successful strategy.

In reference to men, one writer wrote, “How am I supposed to love the one thing I fear the most?” Great question, yet this is the expectation of women who date men.

There are a variety of ways that men choose to run these scams. Why? I’m not exactly sure. I’ve asked a few guys before and I’ve come to the conclusion that they don’t even know why they do it. I usually get empty counters like, “Women be running scams, too,” or more serious responses like, “They get away with doing it with other women,” but that doesn’t really answer the question. In many cases, it isn’t even necessary. It just causes a lot of bitterness, mistrust, and brokenness.

Even so, there are many ways to run pussy scams. Just ask any woman, and I’m sure she has a story to tell; a few stories, actually. Here are a few of the scams I’m familiar with personally:

There’s the “whatever happens, happens” which I also like to call the “You know what you came over here for” scam.

But obviously I don’t.

This is when a guy invites you to his place to watch a movie (because this one is pretty common) or offers to cook you dinner (true story on more than one occasion). Don’t fall for it; it’s a scam! It’s so tempting to fall for cooking dinner because I know how much I love to eat. However, I have no issue with eating your food and leaving.

A former neighbor invited me over for dinner once. I used to see him around a lot. We’d often stop and chat in passing, so I gladly took him up on his offer.

After dinner was done, my wine glass sat empty on the table. He quickly filled it again without even asking if I wanted more; then he started in on a conversation about sex that went a little like this. . .

“So what is the big deal about sex? I feel like if two adults are feeling each other and they want to have sex, they should. It doesn’t matter how well or how long they’ve known one another.”

I agreed then changed the subject and said, “All those hours you work, you must be making big money,” because earlier that evening he’d mentioned that he rarely had the opportunity to cook due to working twelve-hour shifts at the local hospital.

Homeboy took an offensive left and had no issue telling me he didn’t appreciate where the conversation was going. He expressed that he thought it was very tacky to talk about how much money a man makes on the first date. I wish I had somebody to come pick my bottom jaw up off the floor; the nerve of this guy.

I chuckled (that low, deep chuckle I do when I’m both baffled and amused at the same time), got up from my seat, politely thanked him for dinner and left. He called me several times after that and asked me to call him whenever I’d see him in the neighborhood. I never did.

Next one up is Expecting Pussy as Payment; the “what’s in it for me?” pussy scam.

This is when a guy does a money saving favor for a woman and instead of asking for monetary payment, he asks for pussy. I despise when any person attempts to take advantage of another in a vulnerable state.

Here’s the thing, besides the fact that prostitution is illegal, I see nothing at all wrong with this kind of exchange should the lady offer it or the gentleman make this proposition upfront. I’ve been propositioned before. If I’m not interested, I simply decline and that is that.

But pretending to do something nice for the sake of being nice and later expecting someone to have sex with you, then bringing up that you just did them a favor and saved them so much money when they decline your proposition is real low, trashy, and downright scammy (brief flashback).

I’m sure plenty of women have exchanged sexual favors as a reward whether he was her husband or not. I know I have, however, I’m sure it’s because that was something she wanted to do and not something she felt obligated to do. Also, true for me. HUGE, COLOSSAL DIFFERENCE; context is everything especially in this scenario.

A guy changed my tire once and I would have totally been stranded had he not done me that kindness. We talked as he struggled to change the tire. He was sweating all over the place.

I found him hilariously, charming and I gave him my number. I had the pleasure of taking that ride several times after that. It might be easy for him to associate the sex with having changed my tire but that would be a mistake. Have there been other guys to change my tire? Sure. Did I fuck them, too? No. Simply because that isn’t what I wanted to do.

Then there’s the “empty promises” and “sweet nothings” scam.

This is when a guy offers to do nice things that he never really plans to follow through on. I always see these type of scams on Who the Bleep Did I Marry?

“Girl, he promised to take me on dates to these nice, expensive restaurants, buy me diamonds, and take me on trips around the world.” He usually starts by making small promises, which he then fulfills to bait you. After that, he simply asks what it is you want to do and then plays up your fantasies. Yeah, yeah, like I said unnecessary, because I was planning on giving up the goodies anyway simply because I like you that much. Now, I just think you’re a liar.

This scam is also for the guys who pretend to be looking for a serious relationship just cause they know that’s what the woman wants. Pretending they want to give her what she’s looking for just so she can give up the goodies. If you know you’re not looking for a relationship and the other person is, say that up front.

The infamous, “Let me buy you a drink” scam.

This is when a guy attempts to get a girl to loosen up by offering her drinks or drugs to gain her inebriated consent. Now, I’m not talking rape here. I’m not talking passed out drunk. I’m talking more trying to lower her judgement. I mean, you wouldn’t believe the number of guys who truly believe this sort of thing is completely acceptable. Scratch that, I’m sure you would, if you’re a woman or if you have any guy friends at all.

When I was in college, I had a crush on this guy and maybe he didn’t know it. I’ve had guys tell me I’m not easy to read and they couldn’t tell whether I liked them or just wanted to be friends. He and I chilled together often.

One day he came over and we were smoking together. Mostly I was smoking but we both were laughing and talking. I was so high the room was spinning. He could tell I was really high and he told me to lie back on the bed. I pushed his hand away and told him no. He asked, why not. I stood up and told him that I didn’t like when people try to get me high to take advantage of me and that if he wanted to have sex with me he should have just asked when I wasn’t high because I absolutely would have said yes.

The look on his face was priceless. I really did like him and I did want to have sex with him, but the whole scamming thing was a huge turn off for me. Like I said, unnecessary. He didn’t even have to go through all that.

If you are guilty of being a pussy scammer and you are reading this post, I encourage you to stop running pussy scams. If you know someone who is a pussy scammer, go ahead and do women a favor by sharing this post with him. Pussy scamming doesn’t help anyone. Like I mentioned earlier, it simply causes a lot of bitterness, mistrust, and brokenness.

My pussy is my pleasure zone; it is not the prize. My value, any woman’s value, is not in her vagina. It is in her love, her loyalty, her trust, her security, her confidence, her wholeness, her beingness. It is in HER and not some isolated part of her.

Two things to remember: self-control is both beautiful and desirable, and the friend zone does not exist. I guarantee if she wants to fuck, it’s going down. She just doesn’t want you, dude. Be man enough to accept that. Any man in my so called friend zone, I make no apologies, is just simply not a man I want to fuck.

Value that woman. Trust her enough to know that she knows what she desires and if that’s not you, move along if you don’t like being in the “friend zone”. Removing you from the “friend zone” is not her responsibility, it’s yours. Don’t make her have to refuse you more than once. Don’t be a threat to her love, her loyalty, her trust, or her security. Be the change that is absolutely necessary in this world.

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic

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Slut-Shamed for Being a Sex Blogger

Since launching my blog in February, I have been so delighted to tell people that I am a sex blogger. And as I watch my growing subscribers and social media followers I am excited that people actually enjoy reading about the things that I write. Even though I only just launched in February, this blog has been years in the making.

I originally started blogging about sex and relationship back in 2006. I was a newly single, sophomore at a college smack dab in the middle of a major city.  I’d recently broken up with my boyfriend of two-years and found myself back on the dating scene; loving every minute of it. I was young, free and running wild. Over the years, a lot has changed about me, but that is one thing that hasn’t. I’m still young, free and running wild and I know this will always be true.

Since then, I’ve written on several other “safe” blog topics: beauty, language learning, motherhood and marriage, but sex and dating is my OG.

I stopped blogging about sex after conceiving my daughter. I just figured I wouldn’t have much to blog about anymore. I certainly wasn’t planning on going on any dates any time soon and things were different. Being pregnant made things different as I explained here in Free My Postpartum Sexuality.

It has taken long, way too long for me to journey back to this place where I feel at peace to openly express myself sexually. The reason why it has taken so long to get back to this place is largely due to fear. As a small town run away, I was concerned about what people might think of me, what my grandmother might say, how it would make her feel, and how it might affect my employment. I was also very self-concious about my postpartum body. I certainly had a lot of growing to do. Although it has taken a long time, I realize I needed every bit of that time to grow into myself and rediscover my passion for intimacy and connection through sexual intercourse.

Even so, entering the arena of sex talk and topics, I knew what I’d be up against. It’s the twenty-first century and sex is still very much taboo. We write songs about it, make movies, watch videos, but we are only just now, in this precise moment beginning to have truth conversations about sex. The topic of sex makes even the most sexually liberated individuals squirm a little mostly because of our cultural conditioning.

We are the sex positive individuals but we still live in a sex negative society.

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And even though I know this, I was still a bit taken aback by my recent slut-shaming attack on a blog forum. I won’t name names or places but I joined an open forum where bloggers are welcomed to introduce themselves, share what they blog about along with a link. Cool, I jumped right in and introduced myself as a sex blogger and shared the link to my blog. **SEND**

Shortly after my post, I received this reply from Girl1,

Are you saying you are sexually active or sexually deprived? A lot of people who boast about themselves sexually on the internet are actually sexually deprived. I lose a tad bit respect for the attention whores (this one cut me deep). May I ask why sex is your main theme? I have to write an essay about prostitution for English. So any insight on sexual exploitation would be helpful.

My goal in life is to always take the high road. In the words of Michele Obama, “When they go low, we go high.” That doesn’t always work out for me though but I try. I responded,

Fortunately, I don’t do this for respect or attention. Your perception of who I am is merely a reflection of who you are. If there’s anything you’d like to learn about me, what I do, or why I do it, you are welcomed to visit the blog. I’m sure you’d find some insightful information to add to your paper. Sex is my main theme in the same way that teachers love to teach and doctors love to save lives. It is something I am passionate about.

Then another joins in on the “hoe-bashing” and asks,

Girl2: “Do your partners know that you’re writing a blog about them?”

Me: “Sure, the ones that are in my life currently. They’ve even suggested names they’d like to have used when I talk about them.”

Girl2: “I find that both shocking and maybe a little disturbing.”

She then goes on to explain that she’s not trying to be hostile but like Girl1, she doesn’t like when people talk about their sex lives on the internet. Then she starts asking me about what if scenarios that I honestly had no interest in responding to. I simply told her that it was my experience. I own it and I will write about it if I want to. As long as I’m not naming names, it will be fine.

Later, Girl1 returns to the conversation,

I’m not into BDSM and talking about sex in that way makes me uncomfortable. Unless you are married then that’s a different story. I am a mother. I don’t publicly broadcast about sex. My blog is about battling anxiety, depression, social pressures. That kinda thing. I’ve mentioned a couple of things like marriage, and Cosmo subscriptions. BDSM is a fairly popular topic probably due to the popularity of 50 Shades which I don’t plan  to read.

Here’s the thing that makes me uncomfortable regarding sex. It’s things like hook ups. Tinder. Grindr. If anyone here is blogging about hook ups, then I’m out. Been there. Why does everything have to be about sex?? And thank you for agreeing with me, Girl2. I have an issue with it because unless I go seeking sex advice, I’m not asking for it nor should I feel obligated to read someone’s blog about their sexcapades.

At this point, I was done being nice but I still wanted to remain on the high road. I also wanted to end the conversation. So I told her,

Girl, get your panties out your ass and remove the stick while you’re at it. No one is forcing you to read a blog about sex because is that even possible? Free speech is a thing and people can talk or blog about whatever they want. There are people who exist outside of your comfort zone and will continue to do so regardless of how you feel about it.

I am also bisexual and non-monogamous. I am a mother as well who has no interest in getting married [again]. The hetero-monogamous Christian narrative is not for everyone but you never stop to think about those of us who don’t appreciate having it shoved down our throats from birth. Imagine how uncomfortable that makes us but we are expected to just accept it, which is precisely why I started my blog.

At the end of the day it is simply about respect. You don’t have to agree with anything I do in order for me to get it done. That will happen regardless. Good day, lady.

I was surprised to discover she had been an admin of the group. Oh, wow! Needless to say, she is no longer an admin. One for open sexual expression; Zero for sex negative slut-shaming.

Yes, this slut-shaming incident is quite unfortunate. However, I was very proud of the way I stood of for myself and what I stand for. I felt the fear and I did it anyway. I was also very proud when a different admin stepped in to inform Girl1 and Girl2 that it was an open blog sharing forum and that any and all were welcomed to share the link to their blog. And that, indeed, no one was forcing her to read it.

Overall, I was very proud of the conclusion of this experience. I know it won’t always end this way. But this shows me that I am ready to stand by the thing I am most passionate about (Finally!). . .open sexual expression.

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7 Truths About Being NonMonogamous

Embracing my non-monogamous self has been a long road of heartache: lies, guilt, broken trust, and a seemingly endless amount of tears. It has been a battle within myself as well as outside of myself.

Imagine in almost every relationship you’ve ever been in, constantly being told that you’re wrong, dishonest, a liar, a cheater, selfish, disloyal, or weird all because you desire to be with or love more than one person at a time. Imagine constantly being threatened that you have to choose only one or you’re going to end up alone. Welcome to my life.

For a while, I believed it. Although I know I am the most loyal and honest person I know, I had let the world convince me that I was doing something that was somehow wrong even though that is not how I felt. I believed what I was doing was causing someone else disappointment. I felt a lot of guilt; I felt somehow responsible for their grief.

Hetero-monogamy is the narrative that most of us are raised by and I’ve come to know that that is not everyone’s truth. That is not my truth.

As a non-monogamous woman, I often feel misunderstood and simplified, for lack of a better word. So today, I’m sharing 7 truths to help clarify non-monogamy.

It’s not a phase

I once told a guy I was dating that I was non-monogamous and his response was, “Only in the beginning, right?, Like after you fall in love, you only want to be with that one person, right?” Wrong. Non-monogamy does not have an expiration point.

He seemed incredibly hurt when I told him that I was talking to other people. He wanted to mend things by getting me to promise to be honest and faithful from then on out, but I just decided to end it. I didn’t like what he was implying. We clearly didn’t have the understanding I thought we did.

Non-monogamy is not a phase. It is who I am and there is nothing wrong about it. I say this to my students often and I will say it here just as much, “It’s not you who is broken; it is the culture.”

You won’t just wake up one day and suddenly be monogamous. It won’t happen if you decide to cure it with monogamous marriage vows either; trust me. You cannot just “Pray the gay away.” If you do feel like it’s just something to get over or that you just haven’t met the right person, you can only do that by first embracing it. Claim it as your truth until you decide it isn’t.

In retrospect, the first time I realized I was non-monogamous, I was 15 or 16 years old. Yes, I’ve heard a million times that you know nothing of yourself at that age. I’ll tell you this, everything that I have confirmed about myself at age 31, I’ve known since I was sixteen-years-old. Every single thing. . .it has only taken me another sixteen years to embrace all those things without guilt and without shame and to relinquish those things that do not serve who I Am.

“My man” or “my woman” isn’t appealing (and may sometimes be red flags)

As a non-monogamous woman, I am not possessive or controlling. Every essence of my being is live and let live. I am known to express feelings of compersion, and although I am not immune to jealousy, I certainly am not enchanted by the whole “my man” or “my woman” thing.

Many times my first thoughts are, “What am I, a cow!?” I don’t like the idea of being thought of as a possession. I belong to no one.

Although I know they are terms of endearment, I also know they have much deeper meaning and I’m not going to like what comes next: Unhealthy attachment, control, manipulation, and passive aggressiveness. I’m sure this won’t always be the case but this has been my experience.

And while it might seem cute and innocent in the beginning, soon your sweetie will be trying to convince you, through subtle guilt of course, that their desire to keep you all to themselves is love while your desire to love another is pure selfishness. You see what I’m saying?

Guilt or shaming won’t work

I can count the exact number of times I’ve heard a partner say something along the lines of, “I can’t believe you would do this,” or “You’re not who I thought you were.” After all that, guess what, I’m still NON-MONOGAMOUS yet I’m not in a relationship with any of them. I never understood how a choice to be with another could completely change a person’s idea of who someone is.

It’s like when you talk to someone over the phone and they make socio-economic assumptions about you based on the way you talk. Then once they meet you in person, they treat you different on some, “you’re not who I thought you were,” BS. Yeah, you know those type.

Did shaming ever work? Depends on what you mean by work. If by work you mean, makes one decide not to openly disclose their non-monogamous nature and instead resort to cheating which is still technically a form of non-monogamy, then the answer is, of course, it didn’t work!

Did you ever feel bad? Of course, I felt bad for having to sneak around behind my partner, and for feeling responsible for hurting someone that I love, but not for being non-monogamous. So what did I do, I stopped. Stopped being non-monogamous? No, silly. I stopped cheating. I stopped lying by omission about being monogamous. I started being honest with myself first.

Don’t attempt to force things where they do not fit and never try to change a person through guilt or coercion. It will backfire.

Accept me as I am or go away.

Non-monogamy is not a fear of commitment

I love sharing conversations about being non-monogamous. What I don’t like is at the end of me sharing when a person goes, “Oh, I get it. You’re just afraid of commitment. That’s what that sounds like.” No.

For me, there is some ambivalence towards commitment only because I don’t want to be coerced into committing on someone else terms, which seems to be the case with me. Who cares if they are the “socially normal” terms of committing.  Being in a non-monogamous relationship with the same person for the past four years counts for some kind of commitment I’m sure.

Being non-monogamous, my ideal commitment would be between me and two others, a cisgendered man and woman, in which we sit together and define what our relationship will be. However, should I meet someone and we decide to be in a relationship, it’s not going to be a situation of, “Hey, you have to also be with my other someone so that I can have my ideal relationship.” In that same way, I wouldn’t want this scenario pressed upon me.

I’m good with commitment as I’m sure most other nonmonogamous individuals are. I’m better with compromise.

Non-monogamy does not equate to being disloyal or unfaithful

The first time I revealed to a partner that I was non-monogamous and we decided to move forward, it felt really liberating up until the point when he discovered that I was actually talking to someone else. I’d never seen anyone look more depressed in my life. Then came the whole, “You’re not who I thought you were speech.”

I really liked him, a lot and things were going well. I almost took responsibility for this once again as I cried alone in my bed that night because he refused to sleep next to me (punishment, I suppose), until I remembered that I had told him everything. There was no dishonesty. There was no disloyalty. There was no unfaithfulness. Then I grew angry, distant, and then I just told him it wasn’t going to work out.

Non-monogamy is not about disloyalty or being unfaithful.

“A lot of people describe having sex with only one person as ‘being faithful’.

It seems to me that faithfulness has very little to do with who you have sex with.

Faithfulness is about honoring your commitments and respecting your friends and lovers, about caring for their well-being as well as your own.”

― Dossie Easton, The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities

We can be present for our partner, for everything and still be with someone else, too. This for me is loyalty.

It’s not about loving one more than another. It’s not about preferring someone else to another. It’s not about choosing a side but rather about loving infinitely. It’s not about having your cake and eating it, too.

When it comes to relationships, I encourage my friends to create their own commitments and don’t just adopt the popular ones. Because what’s popular isn’t always right and what’s right isn’t always popular. Cheating is all about breaking commitments. Don’t make it a part of your commitment and it won’t be there to break.

I’ll say it again, the hetero-monogamous narrative is not for everyone.

Non-monogamy can and often does include love

After I told my ex that I was in love with someone else, he immediately began questioning himself, what did I do? Am I not good enough? What can I do differently? No matter what I said, I could not convince him that it wasn’t about him. That my desire to seek out another relationship and eventually fall in love was not a fault that needed a fix.

He could not understand how I could be in love with two people at the same time. Surely, there must be one that I prefer? There was not and eventually things ended with both. Eventually. . .

There are different types of non-monogamy and you can learn about Seven types here. My form of choice is polyamory but as I learn more about relationship anarchy, I’m beginning to think this is most like me (which is something I can explain in another post).

My forever bae and I have loved one another for 17 years. We’ve been through a slew of relationships, breakups, marriage, divorce, and six children none of these between the two of us though. In my anger and confusion of accepting myself as non-monogamous, I asked him to never call me again and he didn’t.

Seven years, three kids, a marriage, and a divorce later guess who shows up at my doorstep. I was so excited to see him. I couldn’t stop smiling. After we talked and reminisced for a bit, I told him I was glad to know that he felt the same. And in his infamously corny way, that always seems to make me laugh, he says to me, “Love don’t change (the song by Jeremih).”

He’s right. Love, true and unconditional, does not change. Time, distance, circumstances, life, or death cannot change it. It doesn’t matter how many years pass or how far away they go. Love does not require two people to be together. It doesn’t require a marriage. It doesn’t even matter if the person is dead. These reasons also do not prevent you from discovering new love. You may resist it. You may deny it, but you cannot prevent it. We seem to have the most difficult time accepting that we can all love more than a single person at a time.

Love is infinite. It is not bound by social structure or acceptance. I prefer my non-monogamy with boundless love. Because if not, what’s the point!?

Come on home, my love is
Never gonna run dry, never gonna come up empty
Now until the day I die, unconditionally
You know I’m always gonna be here for ya
No one’s ever gonna love you more than
God, your mama, and me
God, Your Mama, and Me
-Florida Georiga Line

We may decide at any time to no longer practice non-monogamy

Yes, you did see this earlier, “You won’t just wake up one day and suddenly be monogamous.” However, you may wake up one day and decide you no longer want to practice non-monogamy for whatever reason. Trust me when I say, this also happens the other way around. I have gone extended periods of time only being with a single person. Was I suddenly monogamous? No. I simply decided that I only wanted to be with that one person which I may decide again at anytime.

I’ve been asked that if I did decide this and I happened to be in an open relationship, would I require my partner to also practice monogamy. The answer is, not at all. Before you get all in your feelings about it, we do this all the time so it’s not abnormal by any standard. I know bisexual people in monogamous relationships. Does that mean they’re suddenly not bisexual? Ask them and they will tell you no. I know people of organized faith who don’t practice their religion. It doesn’t make them not what they claim to be.

I’ve accepted that non-monogamy is a part of who I am right now. People tend to think that means my bed is never empty, but that isn’t true. Being non-monogamous can be a lonely endeavor. The cultural reputation of non-monogamy has really taken a beating. People tend to believe non-monogamous individuals are promiscuous, that we are afraid of commitment, and a number of other misconceptions. Hopefully, this post sets the record straight on at least a few of those.

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic

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Can Sex Be Spiritual? 

It is often questioned whether sex can be spiritual. Well, I am here to set the record straight, once and for all. No, sex cannot be spiritual. Sex is spiritual. Every single act of sex is spiritual. Mindful acts of sex are high energy spiritual experiences. Less mindful acts (coerced, forced, passive, obligatory etc.) are low energy spiritual experiences.

Believe it or not, we have the exact same high and low energy experiences with every other act we perform: eating, grooming, daily tasks, raising our children. Even something as simple as walking is experienced as high or low energy. You ever notice how much more confident you feel with a raised head and little switch in your hip? Maybe it’s just me. This is why self-care and self-compassion is so important.

In the realm of what is spiritual and what is not, sex is no different than any other act. What is different is our cultural perspective. Sex is however, experienced at a different energetic frequency but this doesn’t make it better or worse, just different. Like light and sound, one travels faster but neither is more spiritual than the other. Each has its own role to play. Like running compared to walking, you’ll cover five miles faster running than walking however, you cover the exact same distance with either.

This has been my experience with sex and spirituality.

Transcending Shame

On my current spiritual journey, I kept running into spiritual blockages. It was frustrating and mildly discouraging. I wasn’t sure what the issue was; then suddenly it became clear. FEAR; what was I afraid of; what of myself was I holding back? I had renounced dis-serving cultural beliefs, acknowledged my spiritual gifts, and began exploring my own truth and creating a custom experience around that truth. So, what was missing? Something definitely felt missing.

Then one day a friend of mine, whom I had not spoken with in some time, asked me a very simple question. He asked, what I had done over my summer break. All of the wonderfully, euphoric memories came flooding back however, I was hesitant to provide him with a true answer. But why? And there was the answer to my spiritual blockage.

I had been afraid of the judgment and shame that accompanies those epic acts that I had the privilege of taking part in over the summer. I had not fully accepted myself as the sensual goddess that I know myself to be and was thus afraid of presenting this sexually liberated woman to others. I knew that I no longer wanted to be a prisoner of my own fear so I told him everything I had done over the summer. I told him that I had been hesitant to reveal this to him and I also explained why. His response was beautiful, reassuring, encouraging and quite inspiring; a message directly from spirit. I receive it.

Shortly afterwards, I started the Pretty Pink Lotus Bug blog to be a beacon of courage to guide others on their spiritual journey of unabashed sexual exploration; to embrace their sexuality, and redefine what it means for them.

Just recently, I visited my good friend Bree to have an oracle reading done that truly spoke to my spiritual awakening and sexual reveal. The cards spoke directly to severing ties with old beliefs and relationships that do not serve my journey as well as embracing the sexual being that I am (going with the flow) and discovering inner peace. My final card said, “Stand tall, don’t give up”, a highly reassuring message. If you are interested in learning more about her readings, I encourage you to visit MagicallyBree.com. Let her know I sent you.

Sexual Debris

We often speak of or see memes floating around the Internet regarding the exchange of toxic energy when engaging in sexual intercourse. These memes often present the idea that energy exchange through intercourse is more menacing than other forms of exchange and that we should be more careful and limit our engagement in energy exchange of the sexual type.

This doesn’t resonate as my personal truth.

Any energy exchange, including toxic energy, can happen under a variety of circumstances, not just sex, not necessarily more with sex, but it can definitely happen faster through intercourse. As a clairsentient empath, I know that we exchange and absorb energy from others without ever coming into physical contact with them.

Often you can limit or manage the exchange but we cannot prevent it whether we are having sex with a person or simply sharing an office space at our place of employment. Because of our social conditioning, we like to convince ourselves that there is a difference however, that is not fact. Simply put, you may claim it as your personal truth however; it is not a universal truth and should not be dictated to others.

Here, I’ll give you an example from my own life, unrelated to sex.

My marriage was a toxic and abusive relationship. Once my family discovered this, they quickly encouraged me to leave even though I had no income, no job, and essentially no other place to live.

A few years later, I was employed by a toxic and abusive employer. Even so, friends and family discouraged me from leaving out of the necessity for a source of income to care for my children.

From a cultural perspective, I get it. We are encouraged to leave toxic romantic relationships and tough it out with toxic employers at least until we find another option. From a spiritual perspective, it made absolutely no sense to be encouraged to leave one toxic relationship yet remain in another because of the cultural context when they both have the ability to inflict an equal level of harm from a psychological perspective and result in similar consequences (even when we tell ourselves otherwise).

For me, this scenario applies to sex and sexuality as well. The depth to which we are affected by certain experiences is highly influenced by our cultural perception. Declare that your spiritual perception vibrates higher than your cultural perception and it will be so.

It’s not about being careful about whom you exchange energy with, sexual or otherwise, it’s about learning to limit, manage, and discharge toxic energy effectively. Regardless of how it originated, this needs to happen across all social interactions and not just sex.

Am I telling you to be more promiscuous and engage in sex in a way that you wouldn’t usually? Not at all, unless that is what you feel compelled to do. I am telling you that one form of energy exchange is not more important than the other. Having fewer partners does not give you the increased ability to attract a more positive spiritual experience just has having more or multiple partners does not decrease this ability as we are often guided to believe.

We carry spiritual debris from all forms of social interaction simply because we do not discharge it appropriately. We must take care in all forms of energy exchange and not give sexual intercourse such a hard rep when it comes to aural energy. The law of attraction works the same with sex as it does with all other nonsexual acts regardless of your number of partners. Focus on the negative and that is what you will receive. Channel the positive and that is what you will meet completely unrelated to how many people you have or haven’t had sex with.

Culturally, we have taken on a very negative perspective when it comes to sex, and it is time for us to relinquish this dangerously self-critical perspective. Such a limited perspective of sexuality invalidates the experience of non-monogamous individuals. Know that these and other restrictions on our spiritual essence is simply the human mind’s way of making sense of its own reality by attempting to confine unbridled divinity.

Human is your form. Spirit is who you are. Sex is spiritual. I encourage you to embrace who you are in your current form and inevitably you shall transcend it.

This post was originally posted on House of Hathor. You can view the original post by following the link provided.

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic

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