The Common Occurrence of Sexual Coercion

I was 28 years old before I had a complete understanding of what is sexual coercion. I remember driving my grandmother to her general physician. There were pockets of pamphlets lined up on the wall talking about everything from pregnancy, to depression, exercising and other things. Among those pamphlets, there was one that read, “What is sexual coercion?” I grabbed it immediately and stuffed it into my purse to read later.

When I was in my early twenties, I knew a guy. He told me a story of a girl he’d had a crush on. The two of them had been at a hospital visiting a mutual friend. While visiting this friend, the two agreed they would go to his house afterwards to have sex. On the way there, the girl changed her mind and asked him to take her home instead. According to his story, he took her home but not before stopping the car in the middle of nowhere to inform his passenger that she could either have sex with him right there in his car or walk home. She opted for the former.

Maybe it was not my best response but I immediately got upset and called him a rapist. He asked me how it was rape because he hadn’t threatened her with a weapon. That is when I began to educate him on sexual coercion and that he should never tell that story, in that smug sense of accomplishment tone that he had, ever again.

I’ve heard third hand stories similar to this involving gang rape and drunken scandals. I even had such an experience of my own where a guy refused to allow his cousin (a guy I had been consensually involved with) to take me home in his car because I wouldn’t let him smash, too. That situation ended with me threatening to call the police and accuse them both of rape.

I talk about sexual coercion in the post Stop Running Pussy Scams.

What is sexual coercion?

By definition, sexual coercion is “the act of using pressure, alcohol or drugs, or force to have sexual contact with someone against his or her will” and includes “persistent attempts to have sexual contact with someone who has already refused.”

Coercion can filter through guilt, shame, or pressure in any of the following forms:

  • Make you feel like you owe them — ex. Because you’re in a relationship, because you’ve had sex before, because they spent money on you or bought you a gift, because you go home with them
  • Give you compliments that sound extreme or insincere as an attempt to get you to agree to something
  • Badger you, yell at you or hold you down
  • Give you drugs and alcohol to loosen up your inhibitions
  • Play on the fact that you’re in a relationship, saying things such as: “Sex is the way to prove your love for me” or “If I don’t get sex from you I’ll get it somewhere else”
  • React negatively (with sadness, anger or resentment) if you say no or don’t immediately agree to something
  • Continue to pressure you after you say no
  • Make you feel threatened or afraid of what might happen if you say no
  • Try to normalize their sexual expectations: ex. “I need it, I’m a guy.”
    http://www.loveisrespect.org/content/what-sexual-coercion/

It was not until I had this complete understanding that I recognized I had heard not just one but many stories of sexual coercion, that I had watched women being coerced into sex, and I myself had even been a victim of sexual coercion. I believe the most common occurrence of sexual coercion happens under “persistent attempts to have sexual contact with someone who has already refused.” Known even more commonly as it’s very normalized, seemingly harmless alias, PEER PRESSURE.

There is this incredible wow moment when you realize that rape, sexual coercion, and peer pressure (to have sex) is essentially the same thing. The craziest thing of all is that we ALL, men and women, believe that this is normal and we place the responsibility to reject pressure on the person being pressured instead of teaching that pressuring people into doing things they have already refused and passing it off as “normal” is wrong. So wrong.

Everyday sexual coercion

The Common Occurrence of Sexual CoercionWho here is NOT familiar with the term Blue Balls? Basically, blue balls is when a male’s testicles become swollen and painful after sexual play that does not result in orgasm.

Now, who here is familiar with how the condition is used to coerce girls/women into sex? Basically, after sexual play, the guys tell the girl she has to help him reach orgasm so he doesn’t get blue balls. I’ve heard this story so many times from so many women. SMH. More on blue balls.

Just recently I was hanging out with a friend who, needless to say, is no longer a friend. As we sat on his sofa watching a movie, he placed his had on my inner thigh. I politely moved his hand and placed it back onto his leg. He then took his hand and placed it back on my thigh and then I moved it again. Later he brought it up saying that I was acting like I didn’t want him to touch me as if he was irritated or insulted by such a suggestion.

Goddess help me, I had to sit with this forty something year old man and ask him, “If you come on to someone and the person refuses, what is it called if you continue without their consent?” His response, ***DRUM ROLLS*** “RAPE!” Rape, his response was rape. So he knew that what he was doing was not the appropriate thing to do yet he did it anyway.

What if I had not been firm in my refusal? What if I had not been well versed on sexual coercion and what it entails? Is it safe to say that he would have continued as he demonstrated when he later attempted to make me feel some kind of way for refusing his advances? Of course he would have!

“In some twisted, sex negative way, his behavior was absolutely justifiable to himself.”

It was a shitty fucking experience. I was so pissed when he later said he was only trying to express his care and affection towards me and did not intend to cause me any harm. Even as he said those words, I could sense some truth in what he was saying. In some twisted, sex negative way, his behavior was absolutely justifiable to himself. I think what angered me the most is that even after I had explained the wrong in it and he seemed to follow what I was explaining, he still attempted to deny that it was wrong. I could only picture him doing this to someone else. Someone who is not as empowered as I have grown to be.

Culturally embedded behavior

Since this has happened, I’ve sat with others, men and women, with the goal of making sense of it and learning more about the occurrence of sexual coercion. The majority of the women I’ve spoken with have had the experience of being coerced into sex. Many of them stating that they didn’t realize or understand that they didn’t have to go through with it particularly after it had progressed to a certain point like making out or nudity.

And well why not, just listen to the lyrics of the 2004 song “Lover’s and Friends”
She said, “Ohhh-ohhh, I’m ready to ride, yeah”
‘Cause once you get inside, you can’t change your mind
Don’t mean to sound impatient, but you gotta promise, baby, ohh

Really!? I can’t change my mind?

Sexual coercion is so normal that entertainers write songs about it as we joyously sing along to the lyrics. I graduated high school in 2004 from a school in suburban Atlanta. I loved listening to this song with my friends. We knew that this was normal (disclaimer: Normal, doesn’t make it right). We knew that occasional there would be this guy you have to practically fight off because of this mode of thinking. And we just thought it was normal. Men just have no self-control, right? Wrong! All wrong.

Men are also aware of the occurrence and believe it is the best and sometimes the only way to get sex from a woman because as one guy put it “women aren’t as into sex as guys are.” For real, dude!? I need to know the origins of that myth because you must definitely not be interacting with the same cisgender, heterosexual women I interact with or you’re doing something wrong. And at this point, I’m more in favor of the latter.

Now the question is, how do we change this?


Pretty Pink Lotus Bud Signature

 

Enjoyed this post?
Subscribe to a sexually liberated experience

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic-a sex blog about feminine sexuality, relationships, and spirituality

Blogging Around the Web

I thoroughly enjoy sharing my experiences through Pretty Pink Lotus Bud. I can say without a doubt, this is my therapy and my path to freedom, so when others invite me or accept my request to share via their platform, I am excited and honored by this opportunity. I know sometimes my tribe and others who visit may not be aware of my guest features on other blogs, because there is just so much going on around the web. As my list of guest features grows, it’s not so easy for me to keep up with where I’ve be featured.

This post was created precisely to solve that issue.

Below you’ll find a few other places my posts have called home.

This first one is my first ever (and currently only) blogger interview facilitated by Isabelle at IsabelleLauren.com. I enjoyed this interview so much and I would love for you to check it out. I would love the opportunity to do more interviews on other platforms and media…like podcasts or video. If you’re interested in interviewing me, do not hesitate to let me know by email at hellolovely@prettypinklotusbud.org or just contact me.

Blogger spotlight: Victoria from Pretty Pink Lotus Bud

First up is Victoria from Pretty Pink Lotus Bud. Victoria’s blog focuses on sexual empowerment, spirituality and relationships. She is very honest and open about herself and her sexuality, and shares her – very recognisable – experiences with her readers. She is also the host of the Summer 100 Sex Blogger Challenge. I asked Victoria a few questions about her blog.

Quit dictating the terms of my Bisexuality!

I’ve been bisexual since before it was just for show, before T.I. and Young Dro’s girl had a girlfriend, and way before Katy Perry ever kissed a girl; before girls and women were negotiating the terms of their bisexuality in favor of their partner’s desires. Back when girls knew they were attracted to other women but “I’m not gay, though,” and here’s my boyfriend to prove it.

Did I Fuck Him Too Soon?

Have you ever asked yourself this question before? Too many of us can relate to feeling devalued, self-conscious, guilty, and being ever critical of questioning our own desire to have sex with someone too soon. It’s not the best feeling at all.

Can Sex be Spiritual?

It is often questioned whether sex can be spiritual. Well, I am here to set the record straight, once and for all. No, sex cannot be spiritual. Sex is spiritual. Every single act of sex is spiritual. Mindful acts of sex are high energy spiritual experiences. Less mindful acts (coerced, forced, passive, obligatory etc.) are low energy spiritual experiences. Believe it or not, we have the exact same high and low energy experiences with every other act we perform: eating, grooming, daily tasks, raising our children.

To His Mistress, Thank You For Giving Me What I Needed to Leave My Marriage

You entered my world at a very critical point in my life.

I’d just lost my mother to her three-year battle with cervical cancer and recently welcomed my son. It was a bittersweet time in my life. I was looking forward to brighter days because the worst was behind me or at least I thought it was…

Enjoy and tell me what you think. I love feedback. I’ll be updating this list as I publish more post around the web.

Sex positive & body positive blog, Subscribe for a fresh perspective on sex, relationships, & spirituality while dismantling sexual social constructs.

Did you enjoy this post?

Leave a comment below & share this post with your tribe.

Subscribe Now for the Latest Updates

Venus in Gemini Got Me Canceling Dick Appointments

…According to my chica, Bree, at Magically Bree.com. I don’t know too much about astrology charts; Suns in Capricorn and Moons in Taurus (just a little something I recently learned about my own chart). Don’t get me wrong, I’m black girl magic in more ways than melanin. I’m more of a numbers girls myself as in numerology and I know they’re probably all interrelated in some sort of way but my mind refuses to do all those things at once…

Besides, I’m in regular communication with spirit.

Whatever I need to know, spirit is gonna tell me. I don’t have to know the explanation behind it which is how all of this even started; finding an explanation for what I was feeling.

One day, seemingly out of the blue, I just began feeling detached as in aloof and objective. Guys asking me on dates and I’m like, “Nah, I’m going to sleep.” Good dick asking if he can come over and I’m like, “Nah, maybe tomorrow.” I mean honestly, this is not like me at all. I have been known to make treks for that good dick; now all of sudden I’m just turning it away left and right. Apparently, all of this is because of a Venus in Gemini.

I’m in the house and I’m 100% not interested in leaving which isn’t unusual, but whenever there’s good dick involved, I don’t usually turn away visitors. As much as I love regular doses of the vitamin “D”, even I’m looking at myself like wtf is going on with you right now besides trippin’.

“We are sociable, communicative, and interested. We can be animated and fun but may also keep our distance on an emotional level. Attractions now may begin with words, as we tend to bond more readily on a mental level with Venus in Gemini. The shadow side of Gemini is fickleness.” source Café Astrology

Fickle is a good word to describe it, too.

This version doesn’t give as much detail as what she read to me from her phone. It was an app called Celeste and according to the site it is available on both Android and iPhone. For some reason, I can’t find it in the Play Store.

In my detach-ness, I’m just not feeling it, whatever it may be. Often, a sudden mood change in myself signals an accompanying life change. I woke feeling like I needed to do something. I got dressed for cardio but decided against it. I needed to do a reading to make sure things were still on track; make sure my head is still in a good place. I decided to do a past, present, and future reading.

Needless to say just like the Goddess Tarot Reading, it was lit with pentacles. All cards right-side-up!

Dear Victoria, False alarm; put your worries to bed. Confirmation is always a beautiful thing. Following this reassuring and uplifting reading I swiped this via House of Hathor on Instagram.

Yasssss! Ok that’s all I have for y’all today. I plan to share more on my astrology chart. As I was reading it, I found it hilariously accurate, and it explains so many of the reasons I behave the way I do in relationships.

I have a Libra Rising, a Capricorn Sun, and a Taurus Moon. My zodiac is Capricorn (Aquarian Cusp). I don’t really know what that means but I’m learning…only about myself though. I am definitely one who believes in using my inner-chi work to help myself before I can help someone else (also accurately depicted in my chart). That’s just me though.

Keeping with appearances is important to me. Fake it till you make it isn’t so hot with me because if I don’t feel it, I ain’t faking it.

This is a bit of a problem for me but you know what would be even more of a problem, putting your marriage before your career. YUCK!

 

Sex positive & body positive blog, Subscribe for a fresh perspective on sex, relationships, & spirituality while dismantling sexual social constructs.

Did you enjoy this post?

Leave a comment below & share this post with your tribe.

Subscribe Now for the Latest Updates

Houston Pride ReCap

I didn’t take very many photos at Houston Pride this year. I was so busy people watch, stopping for photo ops of my t-shirt that you can get at our TeeSpring shop, and trying to catch the beads being flung at me from parade floats. Please enjoy the ones that I did get a chance to get! Oh yeah, Pride was a blast once again. Enjoy this two minute slide video and Thank you, Houston!!!!

 

Visit the Women’s Orgasms Matter t-shirt campaign at our TeeSpring shop.

You may also like to donate to #WomensOrgasmsMatter on go fund me. Just a suggestion;  Thank you!

Thank you for visiting.

Leave a comment below & share this post with your tribe.

Subscribe Now for the Latest Updates

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic-a sex blog about feminine sexuality, relationships, and spirituality

Pits, Tits, & Naming Your Naughty Bits

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic-a sex blog about feminine sexuality, relationships, and spirituality

Let the record show that this post has nothing to do with pits and tits and everything to do with naming your naughty bits.

I just love Orange is the New Black and since I’ve recently completed binge watching season 5 **Sigh**, I now have to wait an entire year for yet another new season. Oh well **shrug**. I love OITNB for its real and raw depiction of feminine and female sexuality in a variety of forms. I can relate as it spotlights and magnifies true issues we face as women including conflicting ideals about our sexuality, the lack of education and empowerment when it comes to our sexual anatomy. Issues that could almost (and often do) go ignored on the “outside” which women in prison constantly must face, making it much more difficult to ignore. Sadly, I don’t meet many men who watch OITNB which is so unfortunate because there is truly a lot to be learned.

 

There is very little I love more than educational entertainment.

If you have not and plan to watch season 5, I promise not to spoil it for you so please continue reading with this reassurance. In season 5 episode 10 (I believe), when negotiations are happening between Figueroa, Caputo, and the inmates, namely Taystee, Fig and Taystee reveal the names of their lady bits. Now that’s all I going to tell you…see, no spoiler.

If you follow me on Twitter and Instagram you’ll notice the highlighted differences in the images below. For those who read the blog or interact with me regularly via various social platforms, then you know without a doubt that my name is indeed Victoria and I go by Vikki. So you’re probably wondering what’s with the Desiree? By now, I’m sure you can guess.

Instagram Bio

 

Twitter Bio

Yes! Desiree is the name of my lady bits. While I am the author and creator of this beloved blog, Pretty Pink Lotus Bud, Desiree is my muse. This blog would be so little without her, but she didn’t always have a name.

My pussy, my vagina, my coochie, my honey pot, my taco, my kitty, my cookie was dubbed Desiree during the Summer ’16: my summer of sexual exploration. [more vagina nicknames].

Summer of Desiree

During Summer ’16, I embarked on a journey that was all about Desiree. It is best remembered by me as the Summer of Desiree as I signed off on each composition of a detailed memoir that I might share with you all one day. I had decided that it was time for her to make her debut, to discover her grandest capabilities, and Desiree seems so appropriate because she is truly a thing to be desired. The Summer of Desiree represented not only pleasures and exploration, but desires to exist outside of my comfort zone or rather exist within spaces I was not accustomed to existing.

“Desiree, Desiree, Desiree.” His voice still echoes in my mind as he expressed how impressed he was with her skills.

“What’s in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.”

From a cultural perspective, we know that there is power in a name. We name our offspring, we name our pets, we name our possessions. All the things that are important to us, we give them a name to signify this truth. We understand that a name can be a source of empowerment. A name gives a thing a personal identity transforming it from just a thing. Desiree is certainly much, much more than just a thing.

Empower Your Pussy!

Your vajayjay is magic. I know you see those memes all the time, but do you really consider what it means. Your vajayjay is a source of power, a source of pleasure, and a portal of souls. She deserves a name! And one that represents her significance to you as well as her own individual significance. Consider the role she’s played in your life, consider the evolution of how you feel about her, consider the lessons she’s brought to your door step, consider her transformation and all you have experienced to bring her into being-ness for those of us who may not have been born with her. She deserves the honor, the recognition and yes, she deserves praise.

And if you can’t think of any, anything at all here’s one that’s particularly magical, Vaginas clean themselves.

 

Do your lady bits have a name?

Tell me her name in the comments below & share this post with your tribe.

Subscribe Now for the Latest Updates

 

Behind the Scenes of My Photo Shoot

I recently had an awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome photo shoot in preparation for my upcoming campaign and ongoing marketing for my blog. I swear I love doing this stuff. Although it was midday and hot as all get out this shoot was so amazing. My good friend agreed to do some behind the scenes shots and videos for me and while he is no professional he captured some amazing candid shots and I’m sharing them with you all. Please enjoy this lovely photo post. Subscribe so you don’t miss out on future posts.

 

 

 

 

 

What I’m Wearing

  • Choker by Reagan
  • Earring donated by the bestie
  • Shoes from DSW
  • Get this Body Suit on Ebay via my affiliate link. They come in four other colors
  • Head wrap made by yours truly
  • Tights & bracelet thrifted (Don’t recall from where; I thrift shop sooooo much)
  • Behind the scenes shots by Alex

 

 

 

Enjoyed this post? Check out Primal Play by Naomi.

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic

Did you enjoy this post?

Leave a comment below & share this post with your tribe.

Subscribe Now for the Latest Updates

Summer 100 Sex Bloggers Blog Challenge; Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic

#Summer100 Sex Bloggers Blog Challenge

Today marks the kick-off of the very first, annual Summer 100 sex blogger blog challenge. The #summer100 blogging challenge is all about bringing the sex blogging community together, building content, and growing your blog’s online presence. We currently have thirty-two bloggers (and growing) participating in the challenge this year.

summer 100 Pretty Pink Lotus Bud Presents sex blogger blog challenge

Over the course of the summer, sex bloggers are being challenged to publish one-hundred posts between June 1st and September 1st. During the challenge we will each backlink one another and share ours and the posts of others on our social media platforms.

We are accepting new participants until July 2nd. If you are a sex blogger and would like to enter, you can do that here. Don’t let the 100 post intimidate you, that part is mostly for fun. Our main goals are to connect with other bloggers and grow our blogs. We are expecting fifty percent participation at the very least as long as all the rules in the challenge are accounted for.

Being a Sex Blogger

I joined the sex blogging sphere in February as an advocate for sexual freedom and open sexual expression more than anything. I also thought it might be fun to do a few toy reviews like Amanda at Dirty Milf Next Door as well. Being here, I’ve learned so much about the various perspectives on sexuality and I haven’t even hit the tip of the iceberg; merely the waters around it. You can learn more about what I do and why on my about page.

I’ve learned about transgender sexuality, sexuality from the perspective of individuals who are disabled, actors and actresses, trauma survivors; from various lifestyle perspectives like kink and poly. I’ve explored and compared my own experiences with consent, slut-shaming and various other sexual social constructs. In the realm of sexuality, there is so much to be explored, which greatly fuels my passion for learning about people.

Blogging Infamy

I received the idea for this challenge after searching aimlessly for groups of sex bloggers that I could schmooze with according to some advice from a Pinterest post, Ways to Get Noticed as a New Blogger. We’ll wouldn’t you know that I could not find a single group. No, scratch that, I did find a single group. Yes, it was just that; a single group on Facebook.

When I came across the group, I was even newer to sex blogging that I am now and the rules said, “Only accepting established sex bloggers.” Now, I wasn’t sure about what they meant by “established” but I was certain it wasn’t me. So I did not request to join at that time. I recently requested to join maybe two weeks ago, now. And since I haven’t been accepted, I guess it’s safe to assume I’m not established enough for them. *shrugs*

In the meantime, I joined some other not so welcoming to sex bloggers blog groups. It was not a very pleasant experience and I ended up writing about it, Slut-Shamed for Being a Sex Blogger. Even so, I was not discouraged. The same quote that inspired me to launch this blog even though I was so afraid to, is the same quote that inspired me to create this challenge, “If you do not see the light, be the light.”

There was so much fear surround this journey as well; I must be honest. I’ve only been blogging four months and this is my first challenge; what if people don’t find me to be credible. I don’t know that many people and I know I’m going to need help promoting this; what if they won’t help. Shortly after, I was asked by Jazzmin to do a guest post on her blog for her pleasure crystals. I was extremely flattered and honored by her request and it just so happened I had written the perfect post just days before, Can Sex Be Spiritual.

Making Connections- because they are so important to our endeavors

Connecting with Jazzmin brought over a hundred followers to my instagram and about a dozen subscribers. It was like the Universe was answering those questions of fear. It made me recognize that when you are doing something positive, others will see and they will be there to support and encourage you but not if you don’t get out there and do it.

When I initially announced the challenge, I was so excited. I had four bloggers to sign-up immediately. It stayed at four for an entire week. No one else was signing up. I felt a bit discouraged but then I decided I would message bloggers to ask them to join the challenge. Again, fear crept in; what if they ignore me; what if they just think it’s spam; what if they say no. It’s ok. This request is absolutely genuine and those who are meant to will see that.

I sat at my computer and messaged over fifty bloggers and responded promptly to each reply and inquiry. Those who could not join, offered to help promote. I was super grateful for the early supporters including Jordan Tyler, Bella Rose, and Ducky Doolittle (even though she could not be a part of the challenge).

Special thanks to everyone who has joined the challenge and who has been sharing it with their tribe. I appreciate all the support and encouragement. If you have not joined, you still can right here. Although I did say the one-hundred post is just for fun, I am currently putting together an awesome three-part prize pack for our participants who meet the challenge goal of publishing 100 posts! So you definitely want to subscribe and stay tuned for the prize pack announcement. I did not tell the participants about this. So this is definitely a SURPRISE!

I mean, what’s a challenge without a prize, right? Also, I didn’t want that to be the motivation for signing up. Hopefully, that still won’t be the case. I want you here because you genuinely desire to be here and only under those circumstances.

Thank you all so very much!

Sex positive & body positive blog, Subscribe for a fresh perspective on sex, relationships, & spirituality while dismantling sexual social constructs.

Did you enjoy this post?

Let me know your thoughts in the comments & share this with your friends.

Subscribe Now for the Latest Updates

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic-a sex blog about feminine sexuality, relationships, and spirituality

Stop Running Pussy Scams!

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic-a sex blog about feminine sexuality, relationships, and spirituality

Before I began this post, I’m already prepared for the whole, “women run scams, too,” counter argument. We know women run scams, too. In fact, we also know they’ve coined an adorable little nickname for it; Gold Diggers.

Oh you know it, too? Yes, I’m sure. It has sparked a themed movement of movies, song lyrics, memes and the like. So yeah, we know but we rarely talk about the scams that men run. Hmmm. I wonder why that is? Not really. It doesn’t matter though because I’m not here to talk about gold diggers. I’m here to talk about pussy scammers.

What exactly is a pussy scam?

A pussy scam is when a person, usually a cisgender man, offers to do something nice for another person, usually a woman, cisgender or transgender, with the expectation of sex being the reward of a supposedly genuine gesture of kindness. In many cases, he might offer to do a favor, fulfill a need, complete a task, take her out, or buy her something. Drinks perhaps.

Pussy scams are so rampant that women often turn down kind offers from men because we feel like sex is more than likely the expectation. I mean, especially if you like a guy. You’re so reluctant to ask of anything or accept any offers because you don’t want to be disappointed.

It’s like, “Oh, here’s this guy who barely knows me, being so sweet and offering to do all these nice things.” Then you ask yourself cynically, “Ok, what does he want? ” Answer: the only thing that he believes you have for sure.

Guys are fully aware of this as well. I had one guy who sensed my ambivalence towards his offers and attempted to make me feel more comfortable by reassuring me that here were no strings attached. Of course there were, though. And even though I felt there were, it became undeniably transparent when he invited me to meet him out for drinks and the location he text me ended up being the address to one of those hourly motels. I didn’t hesitate to let him know I was very disappointed.

I’ve turned down dates and personal visits, offers to pay for or fix things “for free” that I might desperately need fixing just cause I feel like it’s nothing but a pussy scam.

Remember, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. It’s as my grandmother sometimes says, “People not out here offering something for nothing.”

Why not just say no?

Besides the obvious, the way fragile masculinity is set up,  that it could potentially be dangerous for a woman to say no to a man; being put in such a situation is already awkward and annoying as fuck. Once you refuse or decline the offer, then comes the begging, bargaining, coercion, and even threats that makes the situation multiple times worse.

I have tried them all and yes, I have been begged, bargained with, stalked, threatened, and had men attempt to coerce me into sex. Through my personal trials, I have found avoidance to be my safest and most successful strategy.

In reference to men, one writer wrote, “How am I supposed to love the one thing I fear the most?” Great question, yet this is the expectation of women who date men.

There are a variety of ways that men choose to run these scams. Why? I’m not exactly sure. I’ve asked a few guys before and I’ve come to the conclusion that they don’t even know why they do it. I usually get empty counters like, “Women be running scams, too,” or more serious responses like, “They get away with doing it with other women,” but that doesn’t really answer the question. In many cases, it isn’t even necessary. It just causes a lot of bitterness, mistrust, and brokenness.

Even so, there are many ways to run pussy scams. Just ask any woman, and I’m sure she has a story to tell; a few stories, actually. Here are a few of the scams I’m familiar with personally:

There’s the “whatever happens, happens” which I also like to call the “You know what you came over here for” scam.

But obviously I don’t.

This is when a guy invites you to his place to watch a movie (because this one is pretty common) or offers to cook you dinner (true story on more than one occasion). Don’t fall for it; it’s a scam! It’s so tempting to fall for cooking dinner because I know how much I love to eat. However, I have no issue with eating your food and leaving.

A former neighbor invited me over for dinner once. I used to see him around a lot. We’d often stop and chat in passing, so I gladly took him up on his offer.

After dinner was done, my wine glass sat empty on the table. He quickly filled it again without even asking if I wanted more; then he started in on a conversation about sex that went a little like this. . .

“So what is the big deal about sex? I feel like if two adults are feeling each other and they want to have sex, they should. It doesn’t matter how well or how long they’ve known one another.”

I agreed then changed the subject and said, “All those hours you work, you must be making big money,” because earlier that evening he’d mentioned that he rarely had the opportunity to cook due to working twelve-hour shifts at the local hospital.

Homeboy took an offensive left and had no issue telling me he didn’t appreciate where the conversation was going. He expressed that he thought it was very tacky to talk about how much money a man makes on the first date. I wish I had somebody to come pick my bottom jaw up off the floor; the nerve of this guy.

I chuckled (that low, deep chuckle I do when I’m both baffled and amused at the same time), got up from my seat, politely thanked him for dinner and left. He called me several times after that and asked me to call him whenever I’d see him in the neighborhood. I never did.

Next one up is Expecting Pussy as Payment; the “what’s in it for me?” pussy scam.

This is when a guy does a money saving favor for a woman and instead of asking for monetary payment, he asks for pussy. I despise when any person attempts to take advantage of another in a vulnerable state.

Here’s the thing, besides the fact that prostitution is illegal, I see nothing at all wrong with this kind of exchange should the lady offer it or the gentleman make this proposition upfront. I’ve been propositioned before. If I’m not interested, I simply decline and that is that.

But pretending to do something nice for the sake of being nice and later expecting someone to have sex with you, then bringing up that you just did them a favor and saved them so much money when they decline your proposition is real low, trashy, and downright scammy (brief flashback).

I’m sure plenty of women have exchanged sexual favors as a reward whether he was her husband or not. I know I have, however, I’m sure it’s because that was something she wanted to do and not something she felt obligated to do. Also, true for me. HUGE, COLOSSAL DIFFERENCE; context is everything especially in this scenario.

A guy changed my tire once and I would have totally been stranded had he not done me that kindness. We talked as he struggled to change the tire. He was sweating all over the place.

I found him hilariously, charming and I gave him my number. I had the pleasure of taking that ride several times after that. It might be easy for him to associate the sex with having changed my tire but that would be a mistake. Have there been other guys to change my tire? Sure. Did I fuck them, too? No. Simply because that isn’t what I wanted to do.

Then there’s the “empty promises” and “sweet nothings” scam.

This is when a guy offers to do nice things that he never really plans to follow through on. I always see these type of scams on Who the Bleep Did I Marry?

“Girl, he promised to take me on dates to these nice, expensive restaurants, buy me diamonds, and take me on trips around the world.” He usually starts by making small promises, which he then fulfills to bait you. After that, he simply asks what it is you want to do and then plays up your fantasies. Yeah, yeah, like I said unnecessary, because I was planning on giving up the goodies anyway simply because I like you that much. Now, I just think you’re a liar.

This scam is also for the guys who pretend to be looking for a serious relationship just cause they know that’s what the woman wants. Pretending they want to give her what she’s looking for just so she can give up the goodies. If you know you’re not looking for a relationship and the other person is, say that up front.

The infamous, “Let me buy you a drink” scam.

This is when a guy attempts to get a girl to loosen up by offering her drinks or drugs to gain her inebriated consent. Now, I’m not talking rape here. I’m not talking passed out drunk. I’m talking more trying to lower her judgement. I mean, you wouldn’t believe the number of guys who truly believe this sort of thing is completely acceptable. Scratch that, I’m sure you would, if you’re a woman or if you have any guy friends at all.

When I was in college, I had a crush on this guy and maybe he didn’t know it. I’ve had guys tell me I’m not easy to read and they couldn’t tell whether I liked them or just wanted to be friends. He and I chilled together often.

One day he came over and we were smoking together. Mostly I was smoking but we both were laughing and talking. I was so high the room was spinning. He could tell I was really high and he told me to lie back on the bed. I pushed his hand away and told him no. He asked, why not. I stood up and told him that I didn’t like when people try to get me high to take advantage of me and that if he wanted to have sex with me he should have just asked when I wasn’t high because I absolutely would have said yes.

The look on his face was priceless. I really did like him and I did want to have sex with him, but the whole scamming thing was a huge turn off for me. Like I said, unnecessary. He didn’t even have to go through all that.

If you are guilty of being a pussy scammer and you are reading this post, I encourage you to stop running pussy scams. If you know someone who is a pussy scammer, go ahead and do women a favor by sharing this post with him. Pussy scamming doesn’t help anyone. Like I mentioned earlier, it simply causes a lot of bitterness, mistrust, and brokenness.

My pussy is my pleasure zone; it is not the prize. My value, any woman’s value, is not in her vagina. It is in her love, her loyalty, her trust, her security, her confidence, her wholeness, her beingness. It is in HER and not some isolated part of her.

Two things to remember: self-control is both beautiful and desirable, and the friend zone does not exist. I guarantee if she wants to fuck, it’s going down. She just doesn’t want you, dude. Be man enough to accept that. Any man in my so called friend zone, I make no apologies, is just simply not a man I want to fuck.

Value that woman. Trust her enough to know that she knows what she desires and if that’s not you, move along if you don’t like being in the “friend zone”. Removing you from the “friend zone” is not her responsibility, it’s yours. Don’t make her have to refuse you more than once. Don’t be a threat to her love, her loyalty, her trust, or her security. Be the change that is absolutely necessary in this world.

Pretty Pink Lotus Bud for sex-positive spaces; #WomensOrgasmMatter; the sexually liberated woman, proheaux, sex magic

Did you enjoy this post?

Let me know your thoughts in the comments & share this with your friends.

Subscribe Now for the Latest Updates

A Touch of Self-Love

I’m curious, what is your relationship with masturbation? As I’d said in the Creating the Sexually Liberated Woman post, I have been masturbating a long time, however, my thoughts, approach, style, perspective, and even my technique has evolved over time.

Female masturbation is not talked about very often. I’ve heard great things about its many health benefits including a couple I’ve observed on my own: stress relief and sleep aid. Masturbation has spiritual benefits as well. In my personal experience, it fosters an intimate level of self-awareness, sexual confidence, and self-love: physically and psychologically. Friends who know me know I have no reservation about telling someone that I masturbate should they ask. Asking me when’s the last time I masturbated is no different than asking when’s the last time I drank water. They each occur at roughly the same frequency. . .roughly.

There is an art to masturbation. Something like an artist applying paint to a canvas, waiting for each layer to dry before applying a new coat or color, and then finally leaving Her signature. Yes, the evolution of masturbation is much like this. With each new revelation and the increase in frequency, I feel closer to creativity, closer to the Goddess.

Feelin’ Myself

Growing up I was taught that although inappropriate, it was normal for boys to touch themselves and masturbate as a means to release their sexual urges while going through puberty. I guess girls don’t have sexual urges. Any who, we’re certainly not allowed to release them.

As a girl, I was taught that a vagina is a smelly place, that my cycle was a disgusting punishment bestowed upon women by god and that I should never touch down there unless to clean, wash, or wipe. Funny, I do not recall being taught very much about other people touching. But since it was such a dirty and smelly place anyway, I wasn’t very comfortable allowing others to touch. If they “knew” what I “knew” why would they want to touch it anyway.

When I was a girl about eight years old, every night after my bath, I’d place the big mirror over the closed toilet lid, squat down over it like I was gonna go, only my legs were a bit more opened, and admire the way my vulva looked. It was mostly dark pink like someone had taken a drop of black paint and mixed it with pink. The color looked bright against my brown skin. On my inner labia major there was a dark mole. Surprised, I remember thinking, “Oh, moles can be down there, too!?”

I suppose it was surprising because the skin of my labia is not like the skin on my face, chest, or hand which are the other places I had moles. My labia minor were fleshy and slightly wavy (it’s more wavy, now); the color formed an ombre effect from pink to light brown as it extended to the outer edge of my labia. I had no good or bad thoughts; just pure fascination.

Usually, I would get dressed and place the mirror back behind the gas stove, but one day I forgot. My grandmother scolded “What took you so long in that bathroom? You know other people have to bathe. You got this mirror on this toilet like you been looking up your ass.” That likely could have been enough to shame me into never taking a peek at my vagina again.

The Peeping Tom

In third grade, while using the restroom a girl peeped inside my stall. When I walked out all the girls were quiet and staring at me. Eventually, I asked, “What?” And one girl told me that another had peeked into my stall and said I was nasty because I was playing with myself. Given the limited restroom time that we had, I doubt that I was actually playing with myself. Perhaps I was touching myself a bit longer than she felt appropriate. Either way, I can’t recall. I do remember that they seemed to be staring at me like I’d committed an offense punishable by death as they awaited my response. I simply replied that she was nasty for looking into my stall. They all agreed and that was the end of that.

After I got my cycle, I didn’t look at my vulva for a very long time. I didn’t masturbate for a very long time either. Whenever I did, which was rarely, it was stealthy, over quickly, detached, and impersonal. I eventually learned that masturbation is absolutely inappropriate for girls however, boys were always “beating their meat”, having wet dreams, and after school porn watch parties with jacking off contests and this was completely normal. It was more acceptable for a guy to touch you than for you to touch yourself. No wonder men fetishize women masturbating.

Sophomore year in college, I began masturbating regularly, again. I had my own, private room. I didn’t have to worry about doing it sneakily in the bathroom or waiting until I thought everyone was asleep or concerning myself with who might pop in on me. And while I had really, really great sex during this period of my life, there is no intimacy quite like the intimacy of pleasuring one’s self. That release had been a long time coming; All puns intended.

Love Yourself, Touch Yourself

Now, masturbation is a sacred ritual and while I enjoy using toys, I mostly prefer to use my hands. I love the way I feel; the way I swell as I become aroused; the way my vulva becomes a frictionless surface, the way my body pulsates through my climax, and as I reach resolution. I am both comfortable and open with masturbation. I masturbate at least three times a week whether I’m having sex regularly or not.

Masturbation is my way of showing love and appreciation to myself. I use it to complete my stress cycles and release excess energy before bed. Night time puts me in nesting mode. When I’m preparing to masturbate, I like to lie with my back slightly arched, legs opened and relaxed. I explore the entire surface of my bare mons and vulva. With my fingers, I slowly slide two inside my vagina to smell and taste. I love the way I taste and smell. No one knows my body better than I do. I roll my hips in full circles as I climb higher and higher, pinching my nipple between my index and middle fingers as I squeeze my breast in one hand the other between my legs. My relationship with Desiree is a slight obsession. I love her so much. I like to express my love in others ways as well. Here’s a portrait of her I recently drew.

My favorite things to use during masturbation are coconut oil and my imagination; no penetration. I enjoy exclusive clitoral stimulation only. I have the sexiest imagination. Although, I don’t have access to another imagination to compare. All I know is once it works its magic, no lube necessary.

Occasionally, I like to have more elaborate masturbation rituals which involve Marsha Ambrious, Trey Songs, some sexy mirror dancing (this girl is talented with these hips), incense, and crystals. I’m such a romantic and there are few things I enjoy more than not waiting for someone else to romance me. Especially given the fact that I am more single than I’ve ever been yet I’m having my most accepting, self-intimacy sex life ever.

 

Did you enjoy this post?

Let me know your thoughts in the comments & share this with your friends.

Subscribe Now for the Latest Updates

Free My Postpartum Sexuality

There is relatively universal consensus that pregnancy and motherhood is a beautiful and blessed journey. For the most part, it is a common belief that “A child is a blessing from God.” That is how I’ve always heard it, but you ever notice how pregnancy and motherhood is a huge source of cultural shame?

The Dome of Shame

The moment I became visibly pregnant at 21 looking every bit of 17 as a black, unwed expectant mother, I could feel the difference in energy of the way I was perceived in the world. I could feel the stares and I could hear the whispers. Some of it didn’t come in whispers, just outright questioned expectations, disappointment, blame, ridicule and the like. I was excited to become a mother within myself but as I heard the words “Your life is over,” as I’m sure many women and girls had heard before me, all I could do was cry in spite of the joy that resonated from my womb. I felt weak, vulnerable, and strapped inside the “dome” of shame, referring to my taut, dome-shaped pregnant belly. I felt like I could not fully embrace the spiritual jubilance of carrying my child.

There is so much shame and blame associated with becoming a mother coupled with the details surrounding your journey: How many kids do you have? Do your kids have the same father? Were you married to their father? How old were you when you had your child? Did you graduate college? The list is endless. It was like I had less privilege without a man to validate me, without a marriage as proof of that validation.

God forbid you have three or more children with different fathers, be unwed, and never married. You carry the scarlet letter of shame. This was exactly the case with my own mother. I, her only daughter and eldest child, had to watch as she toiled in the psychological damage that resulted from her self-criticism and the constant judgement she received from others. Somewhere, I made a promise this would never happen to me.

Are you a bastard?

In 8th grade, a girl walked around the class pointing at students asking, “Are you a bastard?”, “Are you a bastard?” “I know you’re not a bastard.” “I’m not a bastard, because my parents were married before I was born.” She stood in front of me, pointed, and asked, “Victoria, are you a bastard.” I recall rolling my eyes and ignoring her as she walked over to the next student and posed the same question.

Of all the things that had happened to me in middle school, why do I remember this so vividly; why was this particular incident so effective that when I think of this moment, a part of me says, “Ha, now I have two children with the same father and all of her five children have different fathers,” despite the fact that I know in the grand scheme of life, it matters not at all. Why do I think this way? Because this type of cultural shame has been reinforced in our lives as women, as mothers over and over and over again.

Postpartum Bodies

Then comes the postpartum body judgement. Your lovely new “kangaroo pouch”, for those of us that don’t snap back or who were never snapped in the first place, means you are no longer suitable for male consumption.

Oh yes, let us not omit the infamous “Ewwww stretchmarks”. Yet another scar-let letter of shame. Pun intended. I watch mothers on Instagram, who flaunt their postpartum tummy (@powertoprevail) get grueling insults hurled at them so much that an entire campaign (Love Your Lines) uplifting the journey into motherhood and the bodily changes that come with it, was erected in their honor.  We shame mothers into hiding through the idolization of perfect bodies and the condemnation of what we categorize as imperfect ones, after they have emerged from the perilous yet miraculous labor of childbirth.

Honor & Celebrate Transition

Author Emily Nagoski proposed a beautiful idea in her book Come as you Are. “Let’s invent a ritual where women celebrate the transition into their postpartum bodies.”

When Maya Angelou traveled to Africa she stayed with a tribe who bathed communally. She said the women began to weep and console her and she didn’t know why. They thought she was childless because she had no stretch marks. In their society, marks are a badge of honor. They said that even if the baby died and she was kidnapped into a new village, if she passed away and could not speak for herself, the marks would tell her story and she would get the proper rites at her burial.

We must guide in a different way, uplift, honor, and empower ALL women and girls on their journey into motherhood. ALL of them and not just a select few who did it the “right” way. It is imperative that we love and embrace our transition into motherhood both physically and psychologically. Now more often than ever, we hear reports on the rise of postpartum depression. I do not wonder why.

The lack of appreciation for being the giver of life is beyond disgusting.

Welcome to postpartum motherhood, the land of “damaged goods”. The place where your shitty baby’s father threatens to leave because no one else is gonna want you anyway. I actually heard one of the guys from TeenMom say that to the mother of his child. All I could think was, “Oh wow, is this what we think of our child bearers?” The place where you get likened to an old car that has lost its value with your “high mileage pussy.” I swear I didn’t make any of this up. Why do we treat women like they’re property and products; An asset that decreases in value over time and sexual experiences?

Postpartum Sexuality

As a mother, how can I be socially barred from being associated with sex when it is the very act of intercourse that brought me to this place of motherhood. To be a mother and to also be sexy creates a feeling of cognitive dissonance from both a personal and social perspective, a dichotomy that artist Michael explores quite nicely in his post “Cognitive Dissonance: Hestia vs Aphrodite.” In his post he talks about Hestia, Greek goddess of the hearth who is a virgin and Aphrodite, Greek goddess of love, beauty, pleasure and procreation. In summary, it mentions the way the goddesses represent two extremes of a single spectrum which mirrors the way women see themselves, the way that men view us as well as the way we are expected to exist in the real world. Essentially, it is difficult to accept us as being both; A feeling I can readily identify with as a woman, as a mother, and as a former wife.

There is such a dissociation between sex and motherhood that the thought of a mother having sex and being a sexual being is complete taboo. The idea of fucking someone’s mother is a repulsive turn off and she should tread carefully on any consideration of having sex with anyone who is not her child’s father or any other sexy behavior for that matter as not to be labeled a slut, whore, sorry excuse of a mother, poor example for her daughter, and an embarrassment to her family. And please don’t let a child result from such a union without a solid commitment to redeem her respect. The postpartum period of a woman’s life is a laundry list of things you shouldn’t do, clothes you shouldn’t wear, and people you shouldn’t be.

Free my postpartum sexuality.

Mother Slut

Get you a girl that can do both. We are not one dimensional. Yes, I am a mother. I am still fucking sexy and ****NEWS FLASH**** I also love to fuck. I still wear crop tops, booty shorts, and bikinis,  my stretchmarks proudly on display. Body dresses, stilettos, and brightly colored lipstick, fly by romance and one night stands are still a valid occurrence in my life. I twerk, I flirt, and in the bedroom, trust that I werk *snap, snap*. I wear what I want. I do what I want. I’ll be who I want. I embrace my postpartum body as my version of sexy. I am a single, sexy mommy. Yes, I am a fused duality of Hestia and Aphrodite; mother lover, mother goddess, mother slut.

Get you a girl that can do both. @juiceboxxqueen

Artist Feature

Eve” by artist Eric Heard.

To learn more about Eric’s work and how you can give his art a new home visit his IG. Check out his beautiful work, like, share, and buy, buy, gift.

thatsharveyson

Did you enjoy this post?

Let me know your thoughts in the comments & share this with your friends.

Subscribe Now for the Latest Updates

The Myth of the Slut

Long ago when matriarchy ruled as patriarchy does today, men competed for the affection, attention, and approval of women. Women were worshiped and the Goddess ruled the heavens. Women had reign to choose any man they desired to fulfill their most imaginative fantasies. The most physically and sexually capable of the bunch were always top choice.

Men had no power

Men had to justify their existence, for they had very little importance beyond their ability to fertilize female eggs and move heavy objects. They were very much like worker ants and bees. They did the heavy physical labor, and made sure that children were produced and protected. (Walsch, 41)

Women would hold lavish ceremonies. They danced, chanted, ate, drank, and sat in prayer and meditation to bestow gratitude upon the Goddess for her love and abundance. During these ceremonies, each woman would spend time have sex with various men she felt an attraction to in order to select a suitable well-endowed, handsome, and physically capable strong mate who would bring her great pleasure and healthy children. The women would dress in almost nothing to seduce the men, who proudly walked about naked and erect, and observed how they measured up.

These ceremonies would last from the fall of the full moon until the rise of the new. Women participated in duos, trios, and group experiences of multiple orgasmic pleasure. Their climaxes could be heard for miles. The women even indulged in bringing one another pleasure while others watched on. Sex during this time was not a private act nor was it an objective act. These acts were the purest expression of boundless, authentic love. To do it openly and often was to pay homage to the Goddess.

Several offspring were born of these rituals with no concern of whom the father might be. All the men participated equally in the protection and rearing of the children. It was an amazing celebration of sexual pleasure and spiritual connection as they worshiped the Goddess of the Yoniverse.

It was indulgently wonderful, except everyone did not get to enjoy these ceremonies. Only the strongest, most handsome, empathetic, and intelligent of the men were invited.

Overthrown

Unfortunately, not all men measured up. These men became bitter and resentful. They began plotting to reverse the roles. After centuries, of playing the subservient role of meat suppliers, the men finally convinced the women to give them more power, but those men became greedy. They began to spread rumors of the Goddess having given birth to an evil son (later known as the devil) who planned to overthrow the spiritual kingdom and the male God was brought forth for protection.

As time passed, the rumors began to grow. The Goddess pledged her loyalty to God, forsaking all others. Women began to follow Her example as it was their ultimate desire to be all that the Goddess was. Many women knew this was a trick and continued to follow the original ways of the Goddess. The men could not let this happen. They could not allow the women to realize their divine essence and reclaim their power over men. Fearing the loss of their own power, the men turned to social manipulation. Women who refused to pledge their loyalty to one man, acting out in rebellion, were shamed into conformity. Thus, the slut came into being. The Goddess soon disappeared from worship altogether.

Myth and Magic

Women were socially ostracized and physically punished for being with more than one man. Social constructs were invented to define virginity (the hymen story). Sex in exchange for goods and services, once seen as a lavishly, prestigious role performed by the most seductive women, was given derogatory labels (whore and prostitution) and declared illegal. Women’s breasts were regarded as obscene. Female genitalia and pregnancy out of wedlock became a source of cultural shame. Social suppression of sexual desires turned into self-suppression of sexual desires; All invented to control women’s sexuality and prevent their reemergence to magnificence alongside the Goddess.

So you see, the slut is a myth, no more real than Sasquatch or the Loch Ness monster. Although, like Sasquatch and the Loch Ness monster, some people still believe she exists. Slut is a shameful label given to magical women, the boldest and the bravest of us all. In truth, slut is the essence of a woman rekindling her spiritual beingness as a sexual goddess; doing her due diligence to unlock the treasures of her deepest desires rendering her worthy of becoming one with the true Goddess once more. The one labeled slut is a woman who recognizes her freedom to pursue her sexual potential and all the wonderful pleasure it brings.

Sluts are like Unicorns; although they do not exist, they represent something quite rare and truly magical.

 

References
Nagoski, Emily. Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life. Simon & Schuster Paperbacks, 2015.

Walsch, Neale Donald. Conversations with God: An uncommon dialogue book 3. Hampton Roads Publishing Company, 1998.

Artist Feature:

Try Me Once” by Artist: Joel Dietz, TouchMeDeeply 

To learn more about our featured artist and his work visit, Touchmedeeply.com. If there is a specific piece you’d like, please contact via email: deeplytouchme@ gmail.com to purchase art prints and more.

touchmedeeply

 

 

Did you enjoy this post?

Let me know your thoughts in the comments & share this with your friends.

Subscribe Now for the Latest Updates


Save

Creating the Sexually Liberated Woman

I remember my mother telling me a story of her first experiences as a parent. So vividly, I recall the one where I was playing in the bathtub as a toddler when I discovered my vulva. According to my mother, I was intrigued. I poked, prodded, and pulled at it. I even invited her to come see the new treasure I had discovered. Concerned, my mother asked my pediatrician if this was normal behavior. My pediatrician responded, “Perfectly, so.” And with that, my mother left me to my journey of self-exploration. My fascination with my feminine anatomy has yet to end.

I learned to please myself long before anyone else had the opportunity. Way back then, masturbation was not a sexual experience for me. At least, I did not see it that way. In sexuality, as with all other things, perception is the reality. Back then, I’d lie in the darkness, place my hands between my opened legs and gently massage my clitoris until my entire body would quake in pleasure. I’d feel so relaxed and fall quickly asleep. I use it for this very same purpose even today yet, it has served as climactic role in exploring the full range of my sexuality.

While researching and contemplating whether or not I would even launch PPLB, I did at least fifty Google searches on various phrases relating to female sexuality. I came across one post in particular on the blog SexLoveLiberation.com where its author, Ev’Yan Whitney, explores 14 Qualities of the Sexually Liberated Woman. I love that post so much. In fact, I love her entire blog, and I encourage you to visit. I also discovered an interesting piece on Female Sexuality, “How I became a sexually liberated woman” by author Wendy Lustworthy.

I, on the other hand, am more interested in exploring how the sexually liberated woman comes to be; how the sexually liberated woman is created. Is she in the words of the famous Lady GaGa song “born this way” or is she in some way, carefully cultivated?

Tweet: Is the sexually liberated woman born this way or is she created? https://ctt.ec/z4cIf+ @pinklotusbud

Tweet: Is the sexually liberated woman born this way or is she created? https://ctt.ec/z4cIf+ @pinklotusbud

 

As long as I’ve known my sexual self, inhibition has been almost nonexistent. Perhaps this can be attributed to my mother allowing me to explore myself without ridicule or judgment. I grew up in a small town filled with religious folk so in spite of my lack of inhibition, I was very, very cautious. In retrospect, I couldn’t really verbalize it but I knew exactly the type of person I wanted in my life and that has brought me deep intimacy with people who love, respect, and support me. That does not mean that I have not been without some choices that have resulted in epic failure.

Unlike the stories I have read about other women, I did not think sex was wrong in any context. I did not feel guilty about the desire to express myself sexually nor was sex this awful, non-orgasmic experience lacking in psychological stimulation. Not at all. From the earliest moments of my sexual debut, although a bit insecure about the act itself, I was open, comfortable, and confident in who I was and what I desired. I was fortunate to share my experience with individuals who were excited about my openness and eager to assist me in exploring my sexuality at all depths and detours.

There may be no road map to how one becomes a sexually liberated woman however, there are several parallels in the experiences of sexually liberated women. Those include:

  • Self-Love in its psychological and physical form
  • Being open and confident
  • Granting yourself permission to explore your sexuality
  • Having a genuine, separate interest in sex and love
  • Communicating your desires clearly
  • Having the courage to be sex positive and stand for open sexual expression

The journey of exploring my sexuality has been overflowing with the most amazing thrills and pleasures that every woman should experience before ascending. I’ve only been hesitant on whether I would share these experiences. Although I am a woman who has actively sought out my desires in the sexual arena, I still hold many of the concerns that most women hold. The concerns of being slut shamed, disrespected, or feeling devalued. Favorably, I have had the support and encouragement of those I am closest with and know me as the beautiful, intelligent, empathetic, open, loving, smart, amazing, maternal, sensual spirit that I am.

“Hypnotize”

The piece featured above has been created by artist Jessica Ryan Walker. To learn more about Jessica Ryan be sure to visit her website, admire, and purchase her beautiful art.

 jessicaryanwalker

Did you enjoy this post?

Let me know your thoughts in the comments & share this with your friends.

Subscribe Now for the Latest Updates