Pits, Tits, & Naming Your Naughty Bits

Let the record show that this post has nothing to do with pits and tits and everything to do with naming your naughty bits.

I just love Orange is the New Black and since I’ve recently completed binge watching season 5 **Sigh**, I now have to wait an entire year for yet another new season. Oh well **shrug**. I love OITNB for its real and raw depiction of feminine and female sexuality in a variety of forms. I can relate as it spotlights and magnifies true issues we face as women including conflicting ideals about our sexuality, the lack of education and empowerment when it comes to our sexual anatomy. Issues that could almost (and often do) go ignored on the “outside” which women in prison constantly must face, making it much more difficult to ignore. Sadly, I don’t meet many men who watch OITNB which is so unfortunate because there is truly a lot to be learned.

 

There is very little I love more than educational entertainment.

If you have not and plan to watch season 5, I promise not to spoil it for you so please continue reading with this reassurance. In season 5 episode 10 (I believe), when negotiations are happening between Figueroa, Caputo, and the inmates, namely Taystee, Fig and Taystee reveal the names of their lady bits. Now that’s all I going to tell you…see, no spoiler.

If you follow me on Twitter and Instagram you’ll notice the highlighted differences in the images below. For those who read the blog or interact with me regularly via various social platforms, then you know without a doubt that my name is indeed Victoria and I go by Vikki. So you’re probably wondering what’s with the Desiree? By now, I’m sure you can guess.

Instagram Bio

Twitter Bio

Yes! Desiree is the name of my lady bits. While I am the author and creator of this beloved blog, Pretty Pink Lotus Bud, Desiree is my muse. This blog would be so little without her, but she didn’t always have a name.

My pussy, my vagina, my coochie, my honey pot, my taco, my kitty, my cookie was dubbed Desiree during the Summer ’16: my summer of sexual exploration. [more vagina nicknames].

Summer of Desiree

During Summer ’16, I embarked on a journey that was all about Desiree. It is best remembered by me as the Summer of Desiree as I signed off on each composition of a detailed memoir that I might share with you all one day. I had decided that it was time for her to make her debut, to discover her grandest capabilities, and Desiree seems so appropriate because she is truly a thing to be desired. The Summer of Desiree represented not only pleasures and exploration, but desires to exist outside of my comfort zone or rather exist within spaces I was not accustomed to existing.

“Desiree, Desiree, Desiree.” His voice still echoes in my mind as he expressed how impressed he was with her skills.

“What’s in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.”

From a cultural perspective, we know that there is power in a name. We name our offspring, we name our pets, we name our possessions. All the things that are important to us, we give them a name to signify this truth. We understand that a name can be a source of empowerment. A name gives a thing a personal identity transforming it from just a thing. Desiree is certainly much, much more than just a thing.

Empower Your Pussy!

Your vajayjay is magic. I know you see those memes all the time, but do you really consider what it means. Your vajayjay is a source of power, a source of pleasure, and a portal of souls. She deserves a name! And one that represents her significance to you as well as her own individual significance. Consider the role she’s played in your life, consider the evolution of how you feel about her, consider the lessons she’s brought to your door step, consider her transformation and all you have experienced to bring her into being-ness for those of us who may not have been born with her. She deserves the honor, the recognition and yes, she deserves praise.

And if you can’t think of any, anything at all here’s one that’s particularly magical, Vaginas clean themselves.

 

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The Joys of Fellatio Blog Series

Do you love giving blow jobs? I certainly do, and over the next seven days (including this one) I would like to take you all on a journey through the conception, birth, growth and development of my pleasures in giving head in this Joys of Fellatio blog series.

As with other things I publish here on my blog, my goal is that those reading will learn something new and insightful from my personal experience with oral sex and quite possibly awaken some new desire within themselves.

We’ll, soon dive deep into the wonders and pitfalls of genuinely enjoying fellatio but first, this brief introduction:

What is fellatio?

Here’s a definition for fellatio I found on sex-lexis.com which includes a fun fact as well:

stimulation of the penis with the lips , tongue and mouth by a male or female partner for sexual pleasure or for orgasmand ejaculation . A distinction, now obsolete, was once made in Latin and old English between fellatio and irrumatio depending on who was actively moving: irrumatio meant to thrust the penis into the partner’s mouth , fellatio meant to move the head and mouth up-and-down around the penis . This distinction has vanished in modern English and the word irrumation has almost completely fallen out of use.

To get better aquainted with fellatio and oral sex in general, check out this brief video by Life Sexual.

“Men love receiving oral sex because they are able to just lie back and enjoy without any performance anxiety. They can watch, too, and since they are the stars of the show, it’s a better turn-on than any porno flick. Women get their own sense of pleasure from fellatio. “I feel powerful when I give a blow joy,” one of my colleagues told me. “At no other time do I feel such complete control of my partner’s pleasure.” She shares the sentiments of many other women who like the feeling of power they get from having his most prized possession between their lips. Some women find it very arousing to watch their partners enjoy their oral mastery.”

What Your Mother Never Told You About Sex by Hilda Hutcherson, M.D.

The Joys of Fellatio blog series on Pretty Pink Lotus Bud;

What’s in it for me?

When it comes to sex in general, I am a giver but not right off the bat. Very little dejects me more than a selfish lover; one who does not realize the maximum potential of their own pleasure is directly linked to mine. Essentially, the more you give to me the better it turns out for you.

Other than that, it is just as the quote mentions above, I derive great power from being in complete control of my partner’s pleasure. I love praise kink. I want to hear my lover moan and tell me what a good job I’m going. This point is made even clearer from the male perspective as Modern Mandingo recounts his own joys of receiving amazing fellatio.
Fun Fact about me: I like it slow. I like it sensual. I like it sloppy, but no, I do not swallow.

In the upcoming days here’s a summary of the things we will cover in this blog series: The Joys of Fellatio.

Day One: I Love Giving Head is a brief history of my acquaintance with the penis and how my love for it was born. Which may be surprising for some, because there are certain things that black women just don’t do, Six according to Kiarra at Blackgirlsvibe, and giving head is one of them.

Day Two: In Words Unspoken, I talk about how difficult it is to have a conversation with a mouth full of penis. I’m only joking. Actually it talks about the reason why I had never before said the words, “I Love Giving Head,” out loud.

Day Three: Learning the Ropes is about the first time I ever performed fellatio and how I learned to do what I enjoy and enjoy what I do.

Day Four: The Anatomy of Passion talks about how my desires to give fellatio evolved into an obsession of sorts and then into a passion which eventually resulted in uninhibited joy once I allowed myself to openly explore it.

Day Five: On the last day of the blog series, I will offer Seven Ways to Discover The Joys of Fellatio. Bare in mind that all women are different, but if you know your lady then you know whether any of these suggestions might work for you. It might even teach you that you have a lot more to learn about her.

Finally, I will end the series with a smooth Conclusion: The Joys of Fellatio that will be greatly influenced by the feedback I receive throughout the series along the way. So be sure to leave comments and share the posts with your tribe because I definitely would like to know your thoughts.

Enjoy!

This post contains an affiliate link to the book,What Your Mother Never Told You About Sex through which I will receive a small commission if purchased. So I’d like to thank those who do.

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Stop Running Pussy Scams!

Before I began this post, I’m already prepared for the whole, “women run scams, too,” counter argument. We know women run scams, too. In fact, we also know they’ve coined an adorable little nickname for it; Gold Diggers.

Oh you know it, too? Yes, I’m sure. It has sparked a themed movement of movies, song lyrics, memes and the like. So yeah, we know but we rarely talk about the scams that men run. Hmmm. I wonder why that is? Not really. It doesn’t matter though because I’m not here to talk about gold diggers. I’m here to talk about pussy scammers.

What exactly is a pussy scam?

A pussy scam is when a person, usually a cisgender man, offers to do something nice for another person, usually a woman, cisgender or transgender, with the expectation of sex being the reward of a supposedly genuine gesture of kindness. In many cases, he might offer to do a favor, fulfill a need, complete a task, take her out, or buy her something. Drinks perhaps.

Pussy scams are so rampant that women often turn down kind offers from men because we feel like sex is more than likely the expectation. I mean, especially if you like a guy. You’re so reluctant to ask of anything or accept any offers because you don’t want to be disappointed.

It’s like, “Oh, here’s this guy who barely knows me, being so sweet and offering to do all these nice things.” Then you ask yourself cynically, “Ok, what does he want? ” Answer: the only thing that he believes you have for sure.

Guys are fully aware of this as well. I had one guy who sensed my ambivalence towards his offers and attempted to make me feel more comfortable by reassuring me that here were no strings attached. Of course there were, though. And even though I felt there were, it became undeniably transparent when he invited me to meet him out for drinks and the location he text me ended up being the address to one of those hourly motels. I didn’t hesitate to let him know I was very disappointed.

That No Strings Attached Lie

I’ve turned down dates and personal visits, offers to pay for or fix things “for free” that I might desperately need fixing just cause I feel like it’s nothing but a pussy scam.

Remember, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. It’s as my grandmother sometimes says, “People not out here offering something for nothing.”

Why not just say no?

Besides the obvious, the way fragile masculinity is set up,  that it could potentially be dangerous for a woman to say no to a man; being put in such a situation is already awkward and annoying as fuck. Once you refuse or decline the offer, then comes the begging, bargaining, coercion, and even threats that makes the situation multiple times worse.

I have tried them all and yes, I have been begged, bargained with, stalked, threatened, and had men attempt to coerce me into sex. Through my personal trials, I have found avoidance to be my safest and most successful strategy.

In reference to men, one writer wrote, “How am I supposed to love the one thing I fear the most?” Great question, yet this is the expectation of women who date men.

There are a variety of ways that men choose to run these scams. Why? I’m not exactly sure. I’ve asked a few guys before and I’ve come to the conclusion that they don’t even know why they do it. I usually get empty counters like, “Women be running scams, too,” or more serious responses like, “They get away with doing it with other women,” but that doesn’t really answer the question. In many cases, it isn’t even necessary. It just causes a lot of bitterness, mistrust, and brokenness.

Even so, there are many ways to run pussy scams. Just ask any woman, and I’m sure she has a story to tell; a few stories, actually. Here are a few of the scams I’m familiar with personally:

There’s the “whatever happens, happens” which I also like to call the “You know what you came over here for” scam.

But obviously I don’t.

This is when a guy invites you to his place to watch a movie (because this one is pretty common) or offers to cook you dinner (true story on more than one occasion). Don’t fall for it; it’s a scam! It’s so tempting to fall for cooking dinner because I know how much I love to eat. However, I have no issue with eating your food and leaving.

A former neighbor invited me over for dinner once. I used to see him around a lot. We’d often stop and chat in passing, so I gladly took him up on his offer.

After dinner was done, my wine glass sat empty on the table. He quickly filled it again without even asking if I wanted more; then he started in on a conversation about sex that went a little like this. . .

“So what is the big deal about sex? I feel like if two adults are feeling each other and they want to have sex, they should. It doesn’t matter how well or how long they’ve known one another.”

I agreed then changed the subject and said, “All those hours you work, you must be making big money,” because earlier that evening he’d mentioned that he rarely had the opportunity to cook due to working twelve-hour shifts at the local hospital.

Homeboy took an offensive left and had no issue telling me he didn’t appreciate where the conversation was going. He expressed that he thought it was very tacky to talk about how much money a man makes on the first date. I wish I had somebody to come pick my bottom jaw up off the floor; the nerve of this guy.

I chuckled (that low, deep chuckle I do when I’m both baffled and amused at the same time), got up from my seat, politely thanked him for dinner and left. He called me several times after that and asked me to call him whenever I’d see him in the neighborhood. I never did.

Next one up is Expecting Pussy as Payment; the “what’s in it for me?” pussy scam.

This is when a guy does a money saving favor for a woman and instead of asking for monetary payment, he asks for pussy. I despise when any person attempts to take advantage of another in a vulnerable state.

Here’s the thing, besides the fact that prostitution is illegal, I see nothing at all wrong with this kind of exchange should the lady offer it or the gentleman make this proposition upfront. I’ve been propositioned before. If I’m not interested, I simply decline and that is that.

But pretending to do something nice for the sake of being nice and later expecting someone to have sex with you, then bringing up that you just did them a favor and saved them so much money when they decline your proposition is real low, trashy, and downright scammy (brief flashback).

I’m sure plenty of women have exchanged sexual favors as a reward whether he was her husband or not. I know I have, however, I’m sure it’s because that was something she wanted to do and not something she felt obligated to do. Also, true for me. HUGE, COLOSSAL DIFFERENCE; context is everything especially in this scenario.

A guy changed my tire once and I would have totally been stranded had he not done me that kindness. We talked as he struggled to change the tire. He was sweating all over the place.

I found him hilariously, charming and I gave him my number. I had the pleasure of taking that ride several times after that. It might be easy for him to associate the sex with having changed my tire but that would be a mistake. Have there been other guys to change my tire? Sure. Did I fuck them, too? No. Simply because that isn’t what I wanted to do.

Then there’s the “empty promises” and “sweet nothings” scam.

This is when a guy offers to do nice things that he never really plans to follow through on. I always see these type of scams on Who the Bleep Did I Marry?

“Girl, he promised to take me on dates to these nice, expensive restaurants, buy me diamonds, and take me on trips around the world.” He usually starts by making small promises, which he then fulfills to bait you. After that, he simply asks what it is you want to do and then plays up your fantasies. Yeah, yeah, like I said unnecessary, because I was planning on giving up the goodies anyway simply because I like you that much. Now, I just think you’re a liar.

This scam is also for the guys who pretend to be looking for a serious relationship just cause they know that’s what the woman wants. Pretending they want to give her what she’s looking for just so she can give up the goodies. If you know you’re not looking for a relationship and the other person is, say that up front.

The infamous, “Let me buy you a drink” scam.

This is when a guy attempts to get a girl to loosen up by offering her drinks or drugs to gain her inebriated consent. Now, I’m not talking rape here. I’m not talking passed out drunk. I’m talking more trying to lower her judgement. I mean, you wouldn’t believe the number of guys who truly believe this sort of thing is completely acceptable. Scratch that, I’m sure you would, if you’re a woman or if you have any guy friends at all.

When I was in college, I had a crush on this guy and maybe he didn’t know it. I’ve had guys tell me I’m not easy to read and they couldn’t tell whether I liked them or just wanted to be friends. He and I chilled together often.

One day he came over and we were smoking together. Mostly I was smoking but we both were laughing and talking. I was so high the room was spinning. He could tell I was really high and he told me to lie back on the bed. I pushed his hand away and told him no. He asked, why not. I stood up and told him that I didn’t like when people try to get me high to take advantage of me and that if he wanted to have sex with me he should have just asked when I wasn’t high because I absolutely would have said yes.

The look on his face was priceless. I really did like him and I did want to have sex with him, but the whole scamming thing was a huge turn off for me. Like I said, unnecessary. He didn’t even have to go through all that.

If you are guilty of being a pussy scammer and you are reading this post, I encourage you to stop running pussy scams. If you know someone who is a pussy scammer, go ahead and do women a favor by sharing this post with him. Pussy scamming doesn’t help anyone. Like I mentioned earlier, it simply causes a lot of bitterness, mistrust, and brokenness.

My pussy is my pleasure zone; it is not the prize. My value, any woman’s value, is not in her vagina. It is in her love, her loyalty, her trust, her security, her confidence, her wholeness, her beingness. It is in HER and not some isolated part of her.

Two things to remember: self-control is both beautiful and desirable, and the friend zone does not exist. I guarantee if she wants to fuck, it’s going down. She just doesn’t want you, dude. Be man enough to accept that. Any man in my so called friend zone, I make no apologies, is just simply not a man I want to fuck.

Value that woman. Trust her enough to know that she knows what she desires and if that’s not you, move along if you don’t like being in the “friend zone”. Removing you from the “friend zone” is not her responsibility, it’s yours. Don’t make her have to refuse you more than once. Don’t be a threat to her love, her loyalty, her trust, or her security. Be the change that is absolutely necessary in this world.

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Slut-Shamed for Being a Sex Blogger

Since launching my blog in February, I have been so delighted to tell people that I am a sex blogger. And as I watch my growing subscribers and social media followers I am excited that people actually enjoy reading about the things that I write. Even though I only just launched in February, this blog has been years in the making.

I originally started blogging about sex and relationship back in 2006. I was a newly single, sophomore at a college smack dab in the middle of a major city.  I’d recently broken up with my boyfriend of two-years and found myself back on the dating scene; loving every minute of it. I was young, free and running wild. Over the years, a lot has changed about me, but that is one thing that hasn’t. I’m still young, free and running wild and I know this will always be true.

Since then, I’ve written on several other “safe” blog topics: beauty, language learning, motherhood and marriage, but sex and dating is my OG.

I stopped blogging about sex after conceiving my daughter. I just figured I wouldn’t have much to blog about anymore. I certainly wasn’t planning on going on any dates any time soon and things were different. Being pregnant made things different as I explained here in Free My Postpartum Sexuality.

It has taken long, way too long for me to journey back to this place where I feel at peace to openly express myself sexually. The reason why it has taken so long to get back to this place is largely due to fear. As a small town run away, I was concerned about what people might think of me, what my grandmother might say, how it would make her feel, and how it might affect my employment. I was also very self-concious about my postpartum body. I certainly had a lot of growing to do. Although it has taken a long time, I realize I needed every bit of that time to grow into myself and rediscover my passion for intimacy and connection through sexual intercourse.

Even so, entering the arena of sex talk and topics, I knew what I’d be up against. It’s the twenty-first century and sex is still very much taboo. We write songs about it, make movies, watch videos, but we are only just now, in this precise moment beginning to have truth conversations about sex. The topic of sex makes even the most sexually liberated individuals squirm a little mostly because of our cultural conditioning.

We are the sex positive individuals but we still live in a sex negative society.

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And even though I know this, I was still a bit taken aback by my recent slut-shaming attack on a blog forum. I won’t name names or places but I joined an open forum where bloggers are welcomed to introduce themselves, share what they blog about along with a link. Cool, I jumped right in and introduced myself as a sex blogger and shared the link to my blog. **SEND**

Shortly after my post, I received this reply from Girl1,

Are you saying you are sexually active or sexually deprived? A lot of people who boast about themselves sexually on the internet are actually sexually deprived. I lose a tad bit respect for the attention whores (this one cut me deep). May I ask why sex is your main theme? I have to write an essay about prostitution for English. So any insight on sexual exploitation would be helpful.

My goal in life is to always take the high road. In the words of Michele Obama, “When they go low, we go high.” That doesn’t always work out for me though but I try. I responded,

Fortunately, I don’t do this for respect or attention. Your perception of who I am is merely a reflection of who you are. If there’s anything you’d like to learn about me, what I do, or why I do it, you are welcomed to visit the blog. I’m sure you’d find some insightful information to add to your paper. Sex is my main theme in the same way that teachers love to teach and doctors love to save lives. It is something I am passionate about.

Then another joins in on the “hoe-bashing” and asks,

Girl2: “Do your partners know that you’re writing a blog about them?”

Me: “Sure, the ones that are in my life currently. They’ve even suggested names they’d like to have used when I talk about them.”

Girl2: “I find that both shocking and maybe a little disturbing.”

She then goes on to explain that she’s not trying to be hostile but like Girl1, she doesn’t like when people talk about their sex lives on the internet. Then she starts asking me about what if scenarios that I honestly had no interest in responding to. I simply told her that it was my experience. I own it and I will write about it if I want to. As long as I’m not naming names, it will be fine.

Later, Girl1 returns to the conversation,

I’m not into BDSM and talking about sex in that way makes me uncomfortable. Unless you are married then that’s a different story. I am a mother. I don’t publicly broadcast about sex. My blog is about battling anxiety, depression, social pressures. That kinda thing. I’ve mentioned a couple of things like marriage, and Cosmo subscriptions. BDSM is a fairly popular topic probably due to the popularity of 50 Shades which I don’t plan  to read.

Here’s the thing that makes me uncomfortable regarding sex. It’s things like hook ups. Tinder. Grindr. If anyone here is blogging about hook ups, then I’m out. Been there. Why does everything have to be about sex?? And thank you for agreeing with me, Girl2. I have an issue with it because unless I go seeking sex advice, I’m not asking for it nor should I feel obligated to read someone’s blog about their sexcapades.

At this point, I was done being nice but I still wanted to remain on the high road. I also wanted to end the conversation. So I told her,

Girl, get your panties out your ass and remove the stick while you’re at it. No one is forcing you to read a blog about sex because is that even possible? Free speech is a thing and people can talk or blog about whatever they want. There are people who exist outside of your comfort zone and will continue to do so regardless of how you feel about it.

I am also bisexual and non-monogamous. I am a mother as well who has no interest in getting married [again]. The hetero-monogamous Christian narrative is not for everyone but you never stop to think about those of us who don’t appreciate having it shoved down our throats from birth. Imagine how uncomfortable that makes us but we are expected to just accept it, which is precisely why I started my blog.

At the end of the day it is simply about respect. You don’t have to agree with anything I do in order for me to get it done. That will happen regardless. Good day, lady.

I was surprised to discover she had been an admin of the group. Oh, wow! Needless to say, she is no longer an admin. One for open sexual expression; Zero for sex negative slut-shaming.

Yes, this slut-shaming incident is quite unfortunate. However, I was very proud of the way I stood of for myself and what I stand for. I felt the fear and I did it anyway. I was also very proud when a different admin stepped in to inform Girl1 and Girl2 that it was an open blog sharing forum and that any and all were welcomed to share the link to their blog. And that, indeed, no one was forcing her to read it.

Overall, I was very proud of the conclusion of this experience. I know it won’t always end this way. But this shows me that I am ready to stand by the thing I am most passionate about (Finally!). . .open sexual expression.

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7 Truths About Being NonMonogamous

Embracing my non-monogamous self has been a long road of heartache: lies, guilt, broken trust, and a seemingly endless amount of tears. It has been a battle within myself as well as outside of myself.

Imagine in almost every relationship you’ve ever been in, constantly being told that you’re wrong, dishonest, a liar, a cheater, selfish, disloyal, or weird all because you desire to be with or love more than one person at a time. Imagine constantly being threatened that you have to choose only one or you’re going to end up alone. Welcome to my life.

For a while, I believed it. Although I know I am the most loyal and honest person I know, I had let the world convince me that I was doing something that was somehow wrong even though that is not how I felt. I believed what I was doing was causing someone else disappointment. I felt a lot of guilt; I felt somehow responsible for their grief.

Hetero-monogamy is the narrative that most of us are raised by and I’ve come to know that that is not everyone’s truth. That is not my truth.

As a non-monogamous woman, I often feel misunderstood and simplified, for lack of a better word. So today, I’m sharing 7 truths to help clarify non-monogamy.

It’s not a phase

I once told a guy I was dating that I was non-monogamous and his response was, “Only in the beginning, right?, Like after you fall in love, you only want to be with that one person, right?” Wrong. Non-monogamy does not have an expiration point.

He seemed incredibly hurt when I told him that I was talking to other people. He wanted to mend things by getting me to promise to be honest and faithful from then on out, but I just decided to end it. I didn’t like what he was implying. We clearly didn’t have the understanding I thought we did.

Non-monogamy is not a phase. It is who I am and there is nothing wrong about it. I say this to my students often and I will say it here just as much, “It’s not you who is broken; it is the culture.”

You won’t just wake up one day and suddenly be monogamous. It won’t happen if you decide to cure it with monogamous marriage vows either; trust me. You cannot just “Pray the gay away.” If you do feel like it’s just something to get over or that you just haven’t met the right person, you can only do that by first embracing it. Claim it as your truth until you decide it isn’t.

In retrospect, the first time I realized I was non-monogamous, I was 15 or 16 years old. Yes, I’ve heard a million times that you know nothing of yourself at that age. I’ll tell you this, everything that I have confirmed about myself at age 31, I’ve known since I was sixteen-years-old. Every single thing. . .it has only taken me another sixteen years to embrace all those things without guilt and without shame and to relinquish those things that do not serve who I Am.

“My man” or “my woman” isn’t appealing (and may sometimes be red flags)

As a non-monogamous woman, I am not possessive or controlling. Every essence of my being is live and let live. I am known to express feelings of compersion, and although I am not immune to jealousy, I certainly am not enchanted by the whole “my man” or “my woman” thing.

Many times my first thoughts are, “What am I, a cow!?” I don’t like the idea of being thought of as a possession. I belong to no one.

Although I know they are terms of endearment, I also know they have much deeper meaning and I’m not going to like what comes next: Unhealthy attachment, control, manipulation, and passive aggressiveness. I’m sure this won’t always be the case but this has been my experience.

And while it might seem cute and innocent in the beginning, soon your sweetie will be trying to convince you, through subtle guilt of course, that their desire to keep you all to themselves is love while your desire to love another is pure selfishness. You see what I’m saying?

Guilt or shaming won’t work

I can count the exact number of times I’ve heard a partner say something along the lines of, “I can’t believe you would do this,” or “You’re not who I thought you were.” After all that, guess what, I’m still NON-MONOGAMOUS yet I’m not in a relationship with any of them. I never understood how a choice to be with another could completely change a person’s idea of who someone is.

It’s like when you talk to someone over the phone and they make socio-economic assumptions about you based on the way you talk. Then once they meet you in person, they treat you different on some, “you’re not who I thought you were,” BS. Yeah, you know those type.

Did shaming ever work? Depends on what you mean by work. If by work you mean, makes one decide not to openly disclose their non-monogamous nature and instead resort to cheating which is still technically a form of non-monogamy, then the answer is, of course, it didn’t work!

Did you ever feel bad? Of course, I felt bad for having to sneak around behind my partner, and for feeling responsible for hurting someone that I love, but not for being non-monogamous. So what did I do, I stopped. Stopped being non-monogamous? No, silly. I stopped cheating. I stopped lying by omission about being monogamous. I started being honest with myself first.

Don’t attempt to force things where they do not fit and never try to change a person through guilt or coercion. It will backfire.

Accept me as I am or go away.

Non-monogamy is not a fear of commitment

I love sharing conversations about being non-monogamous. What I don’t like is at the end of me sharing when a person goes, “Oh, I get it. You’re just afraid of commitment. That’s what that sounds like.” No.

For me, there is some ambivalence towards commitment only because I don’t want to be coerced into committing on someone else terms, which seems to be the case with me. Who cares if they are the “socially normal” terms of committing.  Being in a non-monogamous relationship with the same person for the past four years counts for some kind of commitment I’m sure.

Being non-monogamous, my ideal commitment would be between me and two others, a cisgendered man and woman, in which we sit together and define what our relationship will be. However, should I meet someone and we decide to be in a relationship, it’s not going to be a situation of, “Hey, you have to also be with my other someone so that I can have my ideal relationship.” In that same way, I wouldn’t want this scenario pressed upon me.

I’m good with commitment as I’m sure most other nonmonogamous individuals are. I’m better with compromise.

Non-monogamy does not equate to being disloyal or unfaithful

The first time I revealed to a partner that I was non-monogamous and we decided to move forward, it felt really liberating up until the point when he discovered that I was actually talking to someone else. I’d never seen anyone look more depressed in my life. Then came the whole, “You’re not who I thought you were speech.”

I really liked him, a lot and things were going well. I almost took responsibility for this once again as I cried alone in my bed that night because he refused to sleep next to me (punishment, I suppose), until I remembered that I had told him everything. There was no dishonesty. There was no disloyalty. There was no unfaithfulness. Then I grew angry, distant, and then I just told him it wasn’t going to work out.

Non-monogamy is not about disloyalty or being unfaithful.

“A lot of people describe having sex with only one person as ‘being faithful’.

It seems to me that faithfulness has very little to do with who you have sex with.

Faithfulness is about honoring your commitments and respecting your friends and lovers, about caring for their well-being as well as your own.”

― Dossie Easton, The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities

We can be present for our partner, for everything and still be with someone else, too. This for me is loyalty.

It’s not about loving one more than another. It’s not about preferring someone else to another. It’s not about choosing a side but rather about loving infinitely. It’s not about having your cake and eating it, too.

When it comes to relationships, I encourage my friends to create their own commitments and don’t just adopt the popular ones. Because what’s popular isn’t always right and what’s right isn’t always popular. Cheating is all about breaking commitments. Don’t make it a part of your commitment and it won’t be there to break.

I’ll say it again, the hetero-monogamous narrative is not for everyone.
Discover 7 Truths about Being NonMonogamous. Sex positive and body positive blog, Subscribe to PrettyPinkLotusBu... for a refreshing perspective on sex, relationships, and spirituality. Tearing down social constructs one patriarchal perspective at a time.

Non-monogamy can and often does include love

After I told my ex that I was in love with someone else, he immediately began questioning himself, what did I do? Am I not good enough? What can I do differently? No matter what I said, I could not convince him that it wasn’t about him. That my desire to seek out another relationship and eventually fall in love was not a fault that needed a fix.

He could not understand how I could be in love with two people at the same time. Surely, there must be one that I prefer? There was not and eventually things ended with both. Eventually. . .

There are different types of non-monogamy and you can learn about Seven types here. My form of choice is polyamory but as I learn more about relationship anarchy, I’m beginning to think this is most like me (which is something I can explain in another post).

My forever bae and I have loved one another for 17 years. We’ve been through a slew of relationships, breakups, marriage, divorce, and six children none of these between the two of us though. In my anger and confusion of accepting myself as non-monogamous, I asked him to never call me again and he didn’t.

Seven years, three kids, a marriage, and a divorce later guess who shows up at my doorstep. I was so excited to see him. I couldn’t stop smiling. After we talked and reminisced for a bit, I told him I was glad to know that he felt the same. And in his infamously corny way, that always seems to make me laugh, he says to me, “Love don’t change (the song by Jeremih).”

He’s right. Love, true and unconditional, does not change. Time, distance, circumstances, life, or death cannot change it. It doesn’t matter how many years pass or how far away they go. Love does not require two people to be together. It doesn’t require a marriage. It doesn’t even matter if the person is dead. These reasons also do not prevent you from discovering new love. You may resist it. You may deny it, but you cannot prevent it. We seem to have the most difficult time accepting that we can all love more than a single person at a time.

Love is infinite. It is not bound by social structure or acceptance. I prefer my non-monogamy with boundless love. Because if not, what’s the point!?

Come on home, my love is
Never gonna run dry, never gonna come up empty
Now until the day I die, unconditionally
You know I’m always gonna be here for ya
No one’s ever gonna love you more than
God, your mama, and me
God, Your Mama, and Me
-Florida Georiga Line

We may decide at any time to no longer practice non-monogamy

Yes, you did see this earlier, “You won’t just wake up one day and suddenly be monogamous.” However, you may wake up one day and decide you no longer want to practice non-monogamy for whatever reason. Trust me when I say, this also happens the other way around. I have gone extended periods of time only being with a single person. Was I suddenly monogamous? No. I simply decided that I only wanted to be with that one person which I may decide again at anytime.

I’ve been asked that if I did decide this and I happened to be in an open relationship, would I require my partner to also practice monogamy. The answer is, not at all. Before you get all in your feelings about it, we do this all the time so it’s not abnormal by any standard. I know bisexual people in monogamous relationships. Does that mean they’re suddenly not bisexual? Ask them and they will tell you no. I know people of organized faith who don’t practice their religion. It doesn’t make them not what they claim to be.

I’ve accepted that non-monogamy is a part of who I am right now. People tend to think that means my bed is never empty, but that isn’t true. Being non-monogamous can be a lonely endeavor. The cultural reputation of non-monogamy has really taken a beating. People tend to believe non-monogamous individuals are promiscuous, that we are afraid of commitment, and a number of other misconceptions. Hopefully, this post sets the record straight on at least a few of those.

Artist feature

“Poly” by Stasia Burrington

A talented and beautiful artist and illustrator out of SeaTac, Washington. Visit Stasia’s Etsy shop to add her art to your collection.

 

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Raising a Sexually Empowered Daughter

My daughter recently turned 9 and is grasping the cusp of puberty. I know without a doubt, she is a confident, responsible, independent, and considerate young person. However, every day I question whether I am raising a sexually empowered daughter. Now, this question might have been easier to answer except I live in a society marred by patriarchy. Not to mention the fact that she spends her school breaks with a misogynist, womanizing fool and entire culture of people who subscribe to “a woman’s place” bullshit. But so did I, and look how awesome I turned out. One fierce feminist!

Sexual liberation begins with sexual empowerment. Sexual empowerment, as with any other type of empowerment, begins with you.

What does it mean to be sexually empowered?

For me, to be sexually empowered means owning all aspects of your sexuality, acknowledging the oneness of your mind, body, and spirit in every sexual encounter, and ALWAYS putting your desires and well-being first. Sexual empowerment means never avoiding the conversation. It means openly exploring desires without judgment. It means putting your health and your personal values first. It means embracing all the things that shape your sexuality.

Once when my daughter was an infant, her paternal grandmother was changing her diaper. As soon as the diaper was off, in normal baby fashion, my daughter reached for her vulva. Her grandmother immediately pushed her hand away and told her not to touch because it was stinky. The statement made me recoil with disapproval as I scolded my mother in law never to teach my daughter that her vagina smells bad. My mother in law looked with a blank stare as if to say, “That was not my intention,” and perhaps it wasn’t. Perhaps she only meant to say the urine soaked diaper made it smell, however, I wanted to make her aware of the message she was sending. A message that could serve as a foundation of insecurity and shame, that could affect her sexual confidence as a woman.

The Talk

The Talk. . .the dreaded talk for many parents, the “avoided until the last minute” talk, the “I’ll wait until they bring it up” talk, the “we will just assume they already know once they get to that age” talk, the “OMGosh she’s pregnant; it’s too late, now” talk. And if you think this is not the truth, I’ll tell you this, my mother or father have never talked to me about sex. NEVER! Looking back at how much my life has been affected by sexuality and sex education, I’m completely shocked. Like, how can you not have this conversation with your child!? This conversation is as important as the “look both ways before crossing the street” conversation.

Should I talk to my 9-year-old about sex? Is it too early? Is she ready? If not now, when should I tell her? If anything, what should I tell her right now? Certainly, she doesn’t need to know everything right now, right? These are just a few of my more pressing questions. Many of my friends of 9 to 11-year-olds express fear and concern about talking to their sons and daughters about sex. I’m not afraid to talk with my daughter, I just don’t want to inundate her with sex information prematurely but I also don’t want to neglect the subject.

Following HER lead

My daughter has always been an inquisitive child. You can often discover her interest and concerns by the questions she asks. My daughter is an early bloomer. She began showing the first signs of puberty at the age of seven which caused her to have a lot of questions.

There were a lot of “oh my goodness” reactions from friends and family concerning my daughter’s prematurely blossoming body and even a mention of birth control. It has also caused a stir at sleepovers as the girls change into their jammies. However, it has made her completely comfortable with openly asking questions about her developing body. This makes the talk much easier to navigate.

Despite all other influences, sexual empowerment begins with YOU. In this case, my daughter. I teach my daughter that differences, ALL DIFFERENCES, are what makes us magical and unique. I teach her to be honest, responsible, and accountable. I focus on empowering her in all aspects of her life, not just sexuality. Everything about her is beautiful and natural and I instill that in her every single day. I let her know how important it is to instill this message in others as well, even though I don’t always practice it myself. Just the other day, I saw a woman and I said, I love her legs (she had amazing legs) and my daughter whispered to me, “Well, just tell her.” These are the things that let me know that I am teaching her well.

Teaching with Love & Guidance

I do my best to teach with intention and in my moments of imperfection, I forgive myself quickly, move forward and do better. Her dad got upset with me because I taught her to twerk. I know I might get a lot of frowny faces and I won’t defend my stance. Yes, I taught my then 8-year-old to twerk. She asked because she saw me doing it in my mirror and so I taught her. I’m also teaching her Spanish. I also downloaded an app that teaches her to draw, which she’s very good at by the way. I’ve taught her to braid hair, do simple computer setups (because I didn’t want to have to keep doing them for my 4-year-old), and a number of other things that she’s asked me to teach her. The point is, I empower my daughter to seek enlightenment and to educate herself without limits. It does not matter who disapproves as long as it is something she desires.

My entire focus must be centered on my child, her interests, and her desires. I invest heavily in gentle guidance, concentrating more on influencing her perspective rather than her behavior.

Welcome to Womanhood

At this point, my daughter expresses no interest in boys or anything related to intercourse. She is, however, going through pubescent physical development. What she is currently experiencing has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with becoming a woman. Too often, we directly associate womanhood with sex, which in term sends a dangerous message to our girls.

And so, I center our conversation around explaining to my daughter the changes that occur while becoming a woman. I explain to her that her journey into womanhood is the most honorable, most powerful, evolutionary change that will ever happen in her life. Women have a divine purpose. Life begins with a woman, as a woman, and physically within a woman. As a woman, you are born with everything it takes to bring life into this world both physically and most of all spiritually in more ways than pregnancy and birth. Womanhood is a continuous journey.

I make her aware that there will be naysayers. There will be individuals who will doubt you and second guess you long after you have succeeded ten times over because of the negative social constructs designed to control women. I teach her that they won’t just be men.

In time, we will add more to the conversation. We will address those things as she becomes aware of their relevance to her life. In the meantime, her journey into womanhood and what this means for her is the perfect segue to her personal journey of sexual empowerment.

Artist feature

“Ball of Light” by Justin Copeland

A digital artist out of Baltimore. Transforming pain while sending love and peace through his work. Visit Justin online to discover how to add his work to your collection.

IG @justincopeland_art

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Free My Postpartum Sexuality

There is relatively universal consensus that pregnancy and motherhood is a beautiful and blessed journey. For the most part, it is a common belief that “A child is a blessing from God.” That is how I’ve always heard it, but you ever notice how pregnancy and motherhood is a huge source of cultural shame?

The Dome of Shame

The moment I became visibly pregnant at 21 looking every bit of 17 as a black, unwed expectant mother, I could feel the difference in energy of the way I was perceived in the world. I could feel the stares and I could hear the whispers. Some of it didn’t come in whispers, just outright questioned expectations, disappointment, blame, ridicule and the like. I was excited to become a mother within myself but as I heard the words “Your life is over,” as I’m sure many women and girls had heard before me, all I could do was cry in spite of the joy that resonated from my womb. I felt weak, vulnerable, and strapped inside the “dome” of shame, referring to my taut, dome-shaped pregnant belly. I felt like I could not fully embrace the spiritual jubilance of carrying my child.

There is so much shame and blame associated with becoming a mother coupled with the details surrounding your journey: How many kids do you have? Do your kids have the same father? Were you married to their father? How old were you when you had your child? Did you graduate college? The list is endless. It was like I had less privilege without a man to validate me, without a marriage as proof of that validation.

God forbid you have three or more children with different fathers, be unwed, and never married. You carry the scarlet letter of shame. This was exactly the case with my own mother. I, her only daughter and eldest child, had to watch as she toiled in the psychological damage that resulted from her self-criticism and the constant judgement she received from others. Somewhere, I made a promise this would never happen to me.

Are you a bastard?

In 8th grade, a girl walked around the class pointing at students asking, “Are you a bastard?”, “Are you a bastard?” “I know you’re not a bastard.” “I’m not a bastard, because my parents were married before I was born.” She stood in front of me, pointed, and asked, “Victoria, are you a bastard.” I recall rolling my eyes and ignoring her as she walked over to the next student and posed the same question.

Of all the things that had happened to me in middle school, why do I remember this so vividly; why was this particular incident so effective that when I think of this moment, a part of me says, “Ha, now I have two children with the same father and all of her five children have different fathers,” despite the fact that I know in the grand scheme of life, it matters not at all. Why do I think this way? Because this type of cultural shame has been reinforced in our lives as women, as mothers over and over and over again.

Sex positive and body positive blog, Subscribe to PrettyPinkLotusBud.org for a refreshing perspective on sex, relationships, and spirituality. Tearing down social constructs one patriarchal perspective at a time.

Postpartum Bodies

Then comes the postpartum body judgement. Your lovely new “kangaroo pouch”, for those of us that don’t snap back or who were never snapped in the first place, means you are no longer suitable for male consumption.

Oh yes, let us not omit the infamous “Ewwww stretchmarks”. Yet another scar-let letter of shame. Pun intended. I watch mothers on Instagram, who flaunt their postpartum tummy (@powertoprevail) get grueling insults hurled at them so much that an entire campaign (Love Your Lines) uplifting the journey into motherhood and the bodily changes that come with it, was erected in their honor.  We shame mothers into hiding through the idolization of perfect bodies and the condemnation of what we categorize as imperfect ones, after they have emerged from the perilous yet miraculous labor of childbirth.

Honor & Celebrate Transition

Author Emily Nagoski proposed a beautiful idea in her book Come as you Are. “Let’s invent a ritual where women celebrate the transition into their postpartum bodies.”

When Maya Angelou traveled to Africa she stayed with a tribe who bathed communally. She said the women began to weep and console her and she didn’t know why. They thought she was childless because she had no stretch marks. In their society, marks are a badge of honor. They said that even if the baby died and she was kidnapped into a new village, if she passed away and could not speak for herself, the marks would tell her story and she would get the proper rites at her burial.

We must guide in a different way, uplift, honor, and empower ALL women and girls on their journey into motherhood. ALL of them and not just a select few who did it the “right” way. It is imperative that we love and embrace our transition into motherhood both physically and psychologically. Now more often than ever, we hear reports on the rise of postpartum depression. I do not wonder why.

The lack of appreciation for being the giver of life is beyond disgusting.

Welcome to postpartum motherhood, the land of “damaged goods”. The place where your shitty baby’s father threatens to leave because no one else is gonna want you anyway. I actually heard one of the guys from TeenMom say that to the mother of his child. All I could think was, “Oh wow, is this what we think of our child bearers?” The place where you get likened to an old car that has lost its value with your “high mileage pussy.” I swear I didn’t make any of this up. Why do we treat women like they’re property and products; An asset that decreases in value over time and sexual experiences?

Postpartum Sexuality

As a mother, how can I be socially barred from being associated with sex when it is the very act of intercourse that brought me to this place of motherhood. To be a mother and to also be sexy creates a feeling of cognitive dissonance from both a personal and social perspective, a dichotomy that artist Michael explores quite nicely in his post “Cognitive Dissonance: Hestia vs Aphrodite.” In his post he talks about Hestia, Greek goddess of the hearth who is a virgin and Aphrodite, Greek goddess of love, beauty, pleasure and procreation. In summary, it mentions the way the goddesses represent two extremes of a single spectrum which mirrors the way women see themselves, the way that men view us as well as the way we are expected to exist in the real world. Essentially, it is difficult to accept us as being both; A feeling I can readily identify with as a woman, as a mother, and as a former wife.

There is such a dissociation between sex and motherhood that the thought of a mother having sex and being a sexual being is complete taboo. The idea of fucking someone’s mother is a repulsive turn off and she should tread carefully on any consideration of having sex with anyone who is not her child’s father or any other sexy behavior for that matter as not to be labeled a slut, whore, sorry excuse of a mother, poor example for her daughter, and an embarrassment to her family. And please don’t let a child result from such a union without a solid commitment to redeem her respect. The postpartum period of a woman’s life is a laundry list of things you shouldn’t do, clothes you shouldn’t wear, and people you shouldn’t be.

Free my postpartum sexuality.

Mother Slut

Get you a girl that can do both. We are not one dimensional. Yes, I am a mother. I am still fucking sexy and ****NEWS FLASH**** I also love to fuck. I still wear crop tops, booty shorts, and bikinis,  my stretchmarks proudly on display. Body dresses, stilettos, and brightly colored lipstick, fly by romance and one night stands are still a valid occurrence in my life. I twerk, I flirt, and in the bedroom, trust that I werk *snap, snap*. I wear what I want. I do what I want. I’ll be who I want. I embrace my postpartum body as my version of sexy. I am a single, sexy mommy. Yes, I am a fused duality of Hestia and Aphrodite; mother lover, mother goddess, mother slut.

Get you a girl that can do both. @juiceboxxqueen

Artist Feature

Eve” by artist Eric Heard.

To learn more about Eric’s work and how you can give his art a new home visit his IG. Check out his beautiful work, like, share, and buy, buy, gift.

thatsharveyson

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The Myth of the Slut

Long ago when matriarchy ruled as patriarchy does today, men competed for the affection, attention, and approval of women. Women were worshiped and the Goddess ruled the heavens. Women had reign to choose any man they desired to fulfill their most imaginative fantasies. The most physically and sexually capable of the bunch were always top choice.

Men had no power

Men had to justify their existence, for they had very little importance beyond their ability to fertilize female eggs and move heavy objects. They were very much like worker ants and bees. They did the heavy physical labor, and made sure that children were produced and protected. (Walsch, 41)

Women would hold lavish ceremonies. They danced, chanted, ate, drank, and sat in prayer and meditation to bestow gratitude upon the Goddess for her love and abundance. During these ceremonies, each woman would spend time have sex with various men she felt an attraction to in order to select a suitable well-endowed, handsome, and physically capable strong mate who would bring her great pleasure and healthy children. The women would dress in almost nothing to seduce the men, who proudly walked about naked and erect, and observed how they measured up.

These ceremonies would last from the fall of the full moon until the rise of the new. Women participated in duos, trios, and group experiences of multiple orgasmic pleasure. Their climaxes could be heard for miles. The women even indulged in bringing one another pleasure while others watched on. Sex during this time was not a private act nor was it an objective act. These acts were the purest expression of boundless, authentic love. To do it openly and often was to pay homage to the Goddess.

Several offspring were born of these rituals with no concern of whom the father might be. All the men participated equally in the protection and rearing of the children. It was an amazing celebration of sexual pleasure and spiritual connection as they worshiped the Goddess of the Yoniverse.

It was indulgently wonderful, except everyone did not get to enjoy these ceremonies. Only the strongest, most handsome, empathetic, and intelligent of the men were invited.

Sex positive and body positive blog, Subscribe to PrettyPinkLotusBud.org for a refreshing perspective on sex, relationships, and spirituality. Tearing down social constructs one patriarchal perspective at a time.

Overthrown

Unfortunately, not all men measured up. These men became bitter and resentful. They began plotting to reverse the roles. After centuries, of playing the subservient role of meat suppliers, the men finally convinced the women to give them more power, but those men became greedy. They began to spread rumors of the Goddess having given birth to an evil son (later known as the devil) who planned to overthrow the spiritual kingdom and the male God was brought forth for protection.

As time passed, the rumors began to grow. The Goddess pledged her loyalty to God, forsaking all others. Women began to follow Her example as it was their ultimate desire to be all that the Goddess was. Many women knew this was a trick and continued to follow the original ways of the Goddess. The men could not let this happen. They could not allow the women to realize their divine essence and reclaim their power over men. Fearing the loss of their own power, the men turned to social manipulation. Women who refused to pledge their loyalty to one man, acting out in rebellion, were shamed into conformity. Thus, the slut came into being. The Goddess soon disappeared from worship altogether.

Myth and Magic

Women were socially ostracized and physically punished for being with more than one man. Social constructs were invented to define virginity (the hymen story). Sex in exchange for goods and services, once seen as a lavishly, prestigious role performed by the most seductive women, was given derogatory labels (whore and prostitution) and declared illegal. Women’s breasts were regarded as obscene. Female genitalia and pregnancy out of wedlock became a source of cultural shame. Social suppression of sexual desires turned into self-suppression of sexual desires; All invented to control women’s sexuality and prevent their reemergence to magnificence alongside the Goddess.

So you see, the slut is a myth, no more real than Sasquatch or the Loch Ness monster. Although, like Sasquatch and the Loch Ness monster, some people still believe she exists. Slut is a shameful label given to magical women, the boldest and the bravest of us all. In truth, slut is the essence of a woman rekindling her spiritual beingness as a sexual goddess; doing her due diligence to unlock the treasures of her deepest desires rendering her worthy of becoming one with the true Goddess once more. The one labeled slut is a woman who recognizes her freedom to pursue her sexual potential and all the wonderful pleasure it brings.

Sluts are like Unicorns; although they do not exist, they represent something quite rare and truly magical.

 

References
Nagoski, Emily. Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life. Simon & Schuster Paperbacks, 2015.

Walsch, Neale Donald. Conversations with God: An uncommon dialogue book 3. Hampton Roads Publishing Company, 1998.

Artist Feature:

Try Me Once” by Artist: Joel Dietz, TouchMeDeeply 

To learn more about our featured artist and his work visit, Touchmedeeply.com. If there is a specific piece you’d like, please contact via email: deeplytouchme@ gmail.com to purchase art prints and more.

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Creating the Sexually Liberated Woman

I remember my mother telling me a story of her first experiences as a parent. So vividly, I recall the one where I was playing in the bathtub as a toddler when I discovered my vulva. According to my mother, I was intrigued. I poked, prodded, and pulled at it. I even invited her to come see the new treasure I had discovered. Concerned, my mother asked my pediatrician if this was normal behavior. My pediatrician responded, “Perfectly, so.” And with that, my mother left me to my journey of self-exploration. My fascination with my feminine anatomy has yet to end.

I learned to please myself long before anyone else had the opportunity. Way back then, masturbation was not a sexual experience for me. At least, I did not see it that way. In sexuality, as with all other things, perception is the reality. Back then, I’d lie in the darkness, place my hands between my opened legs and gently massage my clitoris until my entire body would quake in pleasure. I’d feel so relaxed and fall quickly asleep. I use it for this very same purpose even today yet, it has served as climactic role in exploring the full range of my sexuality.

While researching and contemplating whether or not I would even launch PPLB, I did at least fifty Google searches on various phrases relating to female sexuality. I came across one post in particular on the blog SexLoveLiberation.com where its author, Ev’Yan Whitney, explores 14 Qualities of the Sexually Liberated Woman. I love that post so much. In fact, I love her entire blog, and I encourage you to visit. I also discovered an interesting piece on Female Sexuality, “How I became a sexually liberated woman” by author Wendy Lustworthy.

I, on the other hand, am more interested in exploring how the sexually liberated woman comes to be; how the sexually liberated woman is created. Is she in the words of the famous Lady GaGa song “born this way” or is she in some way, carefully cultivated?

Tweet: Is the sexually liberated woman born this way or is she created? https://ctt.ec/z4cIf+ @pinklotusbud

Tweet: Is the sexually liberated woman born this way or is she created? https://ctt.ec/z4cIf+ @pinklotusbud

 

As long as I’ve known my sexual self, inhibition has been almost nonexistent. Perhaps this can be attributed to my mother allowing me to explore myself without ridicule or judgment. I grew up in a small town filled with religious folk so in spite of my lack of inhibition, I was very, very cautious. In retrospect, I couldn’t really verbalize it but I knew exactly the type of person I wanted in my life and that has brought me deep intimacy with people who love, respect, and support me. That does not mean that I have not been without some choices that have resulted in epic failure.

Unlike the stories I have read about other women, I did not think sex was wrong in any context. I did not feel guilty about the desire to express myself sexually nor was sex this awful, non-orgasmic experience lacking in psychological stimulation. Not at all. From the earliest moments of my sexual debut, although a bit insecure about the act itself, I was open, comfortable, and confident in who I was and what I desired. I was fortunate to share my experience with individuals who were excited about my openness and eager to assist me in exploring my sexuality at all depths and detours.

Sex positive and body positive blog, Subscribe to PrettyPinkLotusBud.org for a refreshing perspective on sex, relationships, and spirituality. Tearing down social constructs one patriarchal perspective at a time.

There may be no road map to how one becomes a sexually liberated woman however, there are several parallels in the experiences of sexually liberated women. Those include:

  • Self-Love in its psychological and physical form
  • Being open and confident
  • Granting yourself permission to explore your sexuality
  • Having a genuine, separate interest in sex and love
  • Communicating your desires clearly
  • Having the courage to be sex positive and stand for open sexual expression

The journey of exploring my sexuality has been overflowing with the most amazing thrills and pleasures that every woman should experience before ascending. I’ve only been hesitant on whether I would share these experiences. Although I am a woman who has actively sought out my desires in the sexual arena, I still hold many of the concerns that most women hold. The concerns of being slut shamed, disrespected, or feeling devalued. Favorably, I have had the support and encouragement of those I am closest with and know me as the beautiful, intelligent, empathetic, open, loving, smart, amazing, maternal, sensual spirit that I am.

“Hypnotize”

The piece featured above has been created by artist Jessica Ryan Walker. To learn more about Jessica Ryan be sure to visit her website, admire, and purchase her beautiful art.

 jessicaryanwalker

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