Hello all who choose to read, my name is Lec
I’m a non-binary human. I say that first and foremost because I think there’s this unspoken “radicalness” to it. People don’t necessarily want me to be honest about who I am…to exploit the lie that is the gender binary. Ultimately people are scared of what they don’t understand and I think for lots the binary has been this constant that they’re used to and are comfortable with through conditioning.
I started exploring my gender over two years ago in 2015. I remember being on vacation with my family in the summer and writing poetry about being so confused and not being patient enough to just let it sort itself out (which life inevitably finds a way of doing.) I wanted to know THEN and I wanted to not feel lost anymore.
In May of 2016, I dropped out of high school as my dysphoria and general mental illness were a little out of control and honestly I was completely failing all of my courses. My dad lost his job in July and we moved in with my Nana pretty immediately after that (where we still are a year later.) This past year in Michigan has been the most difficult, painful, monotonous and self-medicating year of my life… I’ve smoked more weed this year than ever before, actively trying to keep myself from feeling.
I vocalize this not only as my own therapy but to spread the word that it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to not feel good for almost an entire year! It’s okay to have mental illness and you aren’t fucked up! It’s okay to have periods of time where you’re calling mental health hotlines more frequently! I’ve found so much solace in submerging myself into my art and abstractness. Art in any form is just there…it’s open… it’s healing…it’s ready for you to express your entirety.
Writing lyrics, making visual art and photographing my naked body have been ways to express my sorrow, my eating disorder, my deeply rooted self-hatred, etc. It’s been a way for me to recognize my sexiness not only as visual appeal but as a way of being.
I had previously never thought that I could feel sexy… I haven’t felt like sexiness belongs or ever belonged to this body. I felt so much shame about being a sexual creature and I didn’t even want to think of myself in a sexual way.
I told myself sexy wasn’t my back rolls, my flat ass, my muffin top or my tree trunk calves. It wasn’t my small eyes or my broad shoulders or my hairy genitalia. It wasn’t my asymmetrical nose, my sharp jawline, my big chin or my thin hair.
“Isn’t owning your individuality and uniqueness what makes being a human so glorious?”
I tell myself now that it’s time to end this war I’ve been at with my body and brain. I’m so so so imperfect, but isn’t that what makes every human being so fucking striking? Isn’t owning your individuality and uniqueness what makes being a human so glorious? That’s what I’m coming to realize…
I feel as though I’ve had this awakening where I just want to rub my hands over my scars, affirm and adore every stupid idea that I have and whisper in my own ears “I love you and I’m not going anywhere.” I want to fuck myself and love myself and be in the moment with myself.
Lec is a nonbinary person expressing and healing themselves through visual art including illustration and photography. All of the art featured in this post was created and illustrated by Lec. For more of their work visit Lec on Instagram Lecb
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