We’ve all gone through traumas in our lives that affect us in unimaginable ways; in ways that simply become known as our own personal version of normal. And we might never know that these things are affecting us at all until someone else points it out.
Being in love is euphoria for me. The object of my affection is constantly being inundated with my time and affection, but only if that is what they want as well. And trust that I am constantly checking in. When I’m in love, almost everything I don’t do becomes null and void. I don’t like to kiss however under certain conditions, I won’t stop kissing you. I don’t like to share my bed, but under the proper circumstances, I never want you to leave my bed. Simple. And being completely honest, I don’t care to bother with a relationship if it doesn’t feel like this (which may be the truth behind why I’m so NSA).
My primary love language is touch so quite naturally I love being near, kissing, touching, and holding the person I love. If it were possible, I believe I could just totally breathe them in. It’s kinda like how I feel about my kids… In fact it’s just like that minus the romantic part.
Confession. I have a lot of insecurities around being in love. Why? Because I distinctly recall being shamed for being in love and for the way I behave when I’m in love even though I’m not hurting a soul.
As the oldest in my family, there had constantly been this pressure, this responsibility to look after things, to care for the younger children, to be selfless. Growing up, I was the second parent in my primary household. My mother depended on me to help things run smoothly. It was a lot of work and a lot of responsibility.
Once I graduated high school, this responsibility became lighter. I met a guy and we literally spent all our time together. It was wonderful to take time for myself even if it was with someone else. It’s what I wanted.
My carefree joy would be short lived. It wasn’t long before my mom started complaining that I was love sick and crazy and accused me of not being able to think or function without my guy. I was suddenly not dependable despite the sacrifice of my entire teenage life. I wanted to join the band. I wanted to be a cheerleader. I wanted to run track. I couldn’t. I had to be home everyday after school to rangle my two younger siblings.
I so wanted to ignore the things she said even so, it still hurt. This was not the first or last time this would happen to me via various folks in my life.
My grandma has this saying… “In the beginning, you could eat him and before it’s all over you’d wish you had have eaten him.”
My dad is betting on the break-up and what does he get if he wins. He gets an “I told you so” and to constantly remind you that you made a poor choice. I don’t see the point, because poor choices are just a part of life. There’s too much anxiety and a whole lot of depression that comes with trying to make good and right decisions all the time. I mean, from whose perspective are we considering this thing.
I’ve had to endure a whole lot of “this is why you don’t do this or that for your partner”… “This is why you don’t share this or that with your partner”…”This is why you don’t choose your partner over your family”… Blah, blah, blah. There is this idea that certain privileges in love have to be earned which just isn’t true.
When I was even younger, I could remember being told that the love I felt, due to my age, was not actually love at all. It’s weird though that now that I’m older that feeling of love still feels the same. Odd no? It makes you question whether you’re actually in love even when you know you are.
So now here I am in love again and I just feel all levels of guilt about it. The lover just listens as I speculate on how others, who see us together often, our family, our friends are judging our relationship. And with some folks, I don’t even have to speculate. Last month a friend of mine told me I was acting like a fish out of water as she expressed her frustration towards my new relationship.
But don’t misunderstand, I don’t stop spending all my time with him and when my mind starts telling me that maybe I should, I just ignore her ass because she only knows the things she’s been taught and I can tell you now, she doesn’t know shit about love. But she gone learn today.
Before now, I wasn’t even aware that I was carrying this guilt. The lover helped me recognize it simply because he was constantly seeing it from a different perspective and offering me that same perspective. My mind certainly wasn’t offering any alternatives.
He says things like “they need to see this, they need to know it exists, they need to see that it’s ok”. He’s so right because I needed to see that it was ok.
I love my family but at the end of the day, they’re not loving me the way I desire to be loved. And that is absolutely ok with me… All I’m saying is let me love how I love without trying to make me feel some type of way about it.
Being shamed for being in love sucks. I love how I love when I love the way I’m being loved and I love the way he’s loving me right now and now is the only time that matters.
P.S. I love love.